I see you, and I feel happy.
You smile at me, and I’m at home.
We live together now. It has been great so far, except for those moments when you make me feel it’d be best to eradicate myself from existence.
You know, I always, ALWAYS, am ecstatic to take you out and show you off. I state to the world: ”Here ye, here ye, see my love!” and I feel content that you are mine and no one else’s- even when you are inebriated and make a spectacle out of yourself. Even then, without qualms or dismays, I still love you and continue to build up the shrine I’ve put you on.
However, it’s times like these when I wonder if you actually value that or if you even actually feel the same as I do.
You see, I can’t make a spectacle out of myself for even one night without having to face repercussions the next morning.
It’s outrageous! It’s not equal, it’s not fair.
I’m not allowed to intoxicate and release but you are? I’m not allowed to get away with it the following morning and wake up to your tenderness, but you are?
What makes you and I so different? As far as I’m concerned, we are both in our 20’s, we both like to be young and free and careless and that is actually what brought us together.
Why the change now?
I hope you figure it out and map it out for me when you figure it out- I’ve had it with trying to understand your erratic train of thought.
No one has ever made me feel the way you do and I don’t mean that in the sappy, corny form of the expression…I mean you sincerely are the one person I have ever been this confused about. I really should hate you, or at least not want to see you ever again, but I find myself hopelessly attracted to you…and why? You really aren’t anything special. You’re incredibly awkward around girls, you are tall and lanky, and you don’t know what you want…yet when I saw you the other day I got all seventh grade tounge-tied, butterflies beating in my stomach so hard I could barely breathe. And then you hugged me and you held me so tightly and so long that when I pulled away it was only because I was afraid if I stayed in that moment any longer I’d never want to leave. Any longer and all my intentions, my distrust, nullified by the incredible strength of your need for me in that moment. I know now that I will probably never get that moment, that feeling from you ever again. You don’t need me anymore and I am trying so hard to not need you either…
Hopelessly (in) love,
I wish I could hold onto that look in your eyes when you said goodbye today.
I wish I could never forget how long you took to turn around.
I wish I could burn a picture of your smile into my mind and never forget it.
I wish we weren’t so hopeless.
I’m glad we are as close as we are.
I love the way the corners of your mouth rise when you look at me. Not a conscious smile, but, an inevitable one.
I love that we can talk about everything and anything. You are a good listener and an interesting speaker. Your point of view is so refreshingly different from mine.
Time spent with you is a breath of fresh air.
But, dear, dear you. Although you seem presently unable to admit it, our journey is about to change.
I’m sure you felt it was kind, saying you love me like a brother. But, my feelings toward you do not reflect those of a sibling.
We are in interesting territory now.
Our relationship has crossed over the border of ’friendship’, and yet, you seem unwilling to enter the territory of ’couple’. I simply can not remain in No Man’s Land at length.
I say we continue onward and march bravely into new territory.
Yet you hesitate, allowing uncertainty and fear to hold you back. You have been, as yet, unable to acknowledge that we are at a crossroads at all. You are happy with the way things are and are afraid of change. I am also happy, although your uncertainty saddens.
What I want is you. I want you all to myself. It’s probably selfish, but, it’s already unfair.
I am already yours.
There are two things I do not want. I do not want to lose you, but, worse still, I do not want to coerce you. I don’t want to carry on without you and I do not want to carry you.
If you want me, choose me.
I will take the next step alone. I will be waiting one step into the new territory. I will beckon. I will wait patiently and woo you into my arms once more.
I will not force you to join me. I will not beg. I will simply do my utmost to win you over.
I will not force this issue ever again. If you retreat away from me, I’ll acquiesce and do the same. If you advance, I’ll advance with you.
The choice is yours.
Thank you. That was the first time I ever really let myself cry in front of someone that wasn’t family. You made me feel safe, and you didn’t judge me, or laugh at me, or mention it the next day. You just hugged me, asked me if I was all right, and brought me a birthday cappuccino the next day. I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me. I love you, I honestly do. Not in a sexual way, not in a ”I wanna date you” way. I just love you. I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for you. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Thank you for that.
What are we doing anymore, anyways?
I’m the loner you’re too afraid to approach.
You helped me when I was down, but now it seems that you were an imitation of what I knew so many years ago.
Now it’s you kicking me down. Can’t say I ever saw this coming, but now my senses are screaming:
IT’S TIME FOR ME TO RUN!
Will you persuade me otherwise? Will you once again mimic a projected memory? Or will you remain as you are, as you’ve changed?
There’s too many people I want to say something to, but I cannot speak, thanks to the damage you’ve done.
Everyone would know me as the most forgiving, but I find no matter how much you appologize I still hold on to the bitter resentment.
Any unsavory changes I’ve made in the last months I could link to you. I don’t like who I am anymore, I’m not proud of what I’ve done. I see myself becoming more and more frustrated, angry, distrusting and lost, filled with self hatred. More like you. But one thing I haven’t given up on is trying.
I might not ever get close to being who I was again, but I know eventually I’ll come to love myself once more. You see, I found someone else, someone who loves me even as I am now, who loves me unconditionally. I’m moving away from the ugly little chapter you created in my life and on to better days.
Best of luck,
I see the way you watch, I see the salivation of your lips, the desire in your movements.
But have me you cannot!
Are respect and virtue void amongst all your kind?
He’s your friend and I’m his eternally-loyal companion-
There can be no you and I!
Watch me by the wayside,
To you I will not run.
Watch me through the distance,
I linger away into his arms
And you stay empty-handed
As you should
Confide in your chivalry, mate!
Many are there to swoon
Whom are not captive by the love
I am not foe, but friend.
He is your friend.
Do not become his foe.
You will not win
I will confide
That you will loose
What was that?
I left confused and shocked, with many questions swarming my head, thinking too much of every detail, and then maybe not enough.
I can’t sleep, eat, or breathe right, plagued with odd feelings I can’t recall ever experiencing before.
I don’t get close to others.
I kind of want you to go.
I kind of want you to stay.
I’ ve been gone from your life for about four years now. Four wretched, blessed, moving, exhausting years.
I figured out so much since our storybook closed.
I learned that I cannot love if I undermine the self.
I learned that I cannot trust because even the softest whispers are carried by the wind.
I learned that I cannot be shaken if in fortitude I ground myself.
I learned that introverts who disguise as extroverts end up a shattered mess.
I learned that the best things come to life when you stop looking for them.
I’ve had four years to make up for the knowledge halted when you and I began.
And guess what?
I’ve begun another storybook… this one has no end.
What if I told you I may have a little crush on you? Would you believe me? Because I think I might. You’re a tad goofy, yes, but you gave me back a sliver of that ”butterflies in your stomach” feeling, you know the one that makes you crazy when you have it and crazy for it when you don’t. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time, and this morning I swear I melted when you kissed me goodbye. Maybe you did too.
I hope so.
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