oneword.com

For all I know I’m a pawn, always eliminated.

Reliable honesty and trustworthy? or fun spontaneous and daring?

I’ve found out my biggest weakness that all along has stopped me from being what I want to be. I cannot deal with social and work/school related problems at the same time. If i try to deal with one, i fail at the other, and if i try to deal with both i fail at both. I can tell this is going to haunt me in the future just as it already has…

Once again you have surprised me into being the most devious fucked up person. Seaming so inoccent, yeah so fucking fucked up…I actually don’t understand how someone could do something like this time and time again. As bad as it sounds, it makes me want everything to stop. It make me wish I never met you. It makes me wish that I could erase all of it. It makes me wish that I could just fucking forget all of it. For me to call it a good experience is a lie, because it wasn’t in the end. It’s ruined me. It’s turned me into someone I never wanted to be. It’s fucked with my head, its made me want to die, it’s made me want to give up. It’s made me almost everything but happy. My fault for letting it affect me too much, sure. But that doesn’t mean I cannot regret. I actually have no clue where to turn, except away from what I still love the most. Which will probably be unsuccessful but then again when have I ever been successful?

Let me write a prayer before I start my essay: Dear god, I pray to you that you will help me get through these next two days, which may be some of the most stressful in my life. I pray that you can allow me to finish my essay which is causing me a great deal of mental pain right now. Also, help me to get through work after school tomorrow (which is tennis so its not hard), and last but not least, pass my drivers test on Friday, and not making me the one person of my friends to fail. Although I would like you to help me with the driving portion, I would also like you to help soften the hearts of the DMV workers. For some odd reason I thought it was a good idea to keep my permit in my wallet, and when it went through the wash, a picture in my wallet happened to bleed onto the permit. So please god allow the people at the Wayne DMV to accept my permit which has a picture on it….because I do not want that to be the reason I do not pass. Although all of the info is legible you never know with government workers. Lastly, I will work hard to finish these goals but it would be nice for some assistance. Thank you God. Amen

I don’t see the point in going after girls at parties anymore. If it happens it happens. But at the end of the day I’m never happy when it’s over. So I’ll just wait, and hope for the best. I’ll be in the background waiting for something new or a resurgence, at this point it doesn’t matter.

In life, you’re given many marbles. Each marble represents a part of you that you can devote to something. And with each marble you can put it in a category represented by a box. In each person’s life there are soooo many boxes a person can put their marbles into, and each person has many marbles, so the best choice would be to evenly distribute the marbles to have an overall well rounded life. A person could put some in school, some in social lives, some in sports, some in family lifw, and some in miscellaneous, and they’ll amount to a pretty solid person. Unfortunately for some, it is quite difficult to do that. I am one of them. In my head I think, why put marbles in something I don’t really care about and be ”well rounded”, when i can put all of my effort into the thing I do care about and make the best of that. Seems like a good idea right?…well no. It only works out for some. Those some are the lucky ones that get to enjoy what they invested all of their marbles in. However, Most people that do this, like me, will put all of their theoretical marbles into one box they really care about, it won’t work and then they’re fucked. For example, a kid goes out for the football team and wants to play pro, so he says fuck school and does workouts and plays football during all of his time to get really good, and he does. But then breaks his leg and will never be able to play, and because he is failing school he can’t go to college. His dreams are shot and down and he has nowhere to go because he put everything he had into one thing and it failed. He lost his marbles. Or the kid that puts all of his time into a girl, puts his soul into a relationship, his entire life is centered around it and all he wants is to love one girl, only to find that she doesn’t feel that same way, and breaks up with him, moving on with the rest of her life completely fine. Then, he stays stuck in a rut always thinking about how he’ll never find a girl like her again. He also, lost all of his marbles. Truth is, to put all of your marbles in one box is to dream, and dreams are great to have, but to act upon them is usually stupid, unfortunately. That’s why I hate this world, that’s why I wanna give up all of the time, That’s why I have no motivation, that’s why I just want this all to end. Because to have a dream come through, you have to put so much into it, and when most of the time it doesn’t come through, you’re so utterly fucked. Realism.

i swear to god I can’t do any of this anymore…i just can’t, i’ve been feeling like this for too long..it feels like years, so many years…but its only been a few months of this depression..I don’t see an end to this feeling, only distractions which aren’t even around anymore…and I want to speak but I can’t and wouldn’t do any good anyway, I’m going to go crazy, I’m going to insane, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what people want me to do, I’m the most confused out of place human being in the world, I miss my old life, I miss my old family, I miss my old everything…but none of its coming back, how did all of this happen?…was it a domino effect? Truthfully I have no idea, somehow these dominoes need to get picked up and I need to get out of this or I might actually just shut down..for good. goodnight everything.

I’m in love, I’ve always been one to fall in love..which kinda sucks. But this time its different. I’m in love with things, not people.Things that can only love me back. Playing sports, spending time with friends, watching my favorite teams, sleep and music. Who needs women when I’ve got all of this. All of these things that are so much less evil and annoying.

Sometimes I hear my mom cry in her room at night, and I know exactly why. and I also wonder how I can even look at my dad… Knowing how selfish he was and the large mistake he made. Good men make mistakes but i just dont get it. If there’s one thing that Ill promise myself til the day I die it’s that I will always be fair to a woman I care about..or atleast give my best effort to, because I would never want to put someone through these pains that I see, and sometimes feel myself.