oneword.com

nobody really knows me. but that’s only because I don’t really know myself. who I want to be, where I want to go, why I want it, how I’m going to get there….? It’s all one big blur, a blob of nothing, of fuz, cloud. I’ve made my life pretty muddy. actually very muddy. I’m stuck in this place that I don’t like, it doesn’t smell the best in the world… and I can’t say I’m happy here. And no.
I don’t want to be this way. In fact, I highly doubt I’m those classic damsels in disstress and I certainly do not want to be– not that girl that cries all the time, every night before going to sleep, who has to sit alone all by herself, who’s too shy to speak up for herself, who can’t make a single real friend, who cannot, for the life of her, speak with confidence– and in that girl, you’d expect some sort of talent, may be she’d be a great artistic, an extraordinary poet, or an intellectual sport. But no. that’s not here. not this time around, not in real time. not since the very begining. so, pretty much never was she amazing. never did her gaze captivate someone else, never did her beauty take someone’s breath away, never did her grace inspire someone, never did her voice motivate someone, never did her actions speak to someone else. never did she make a difference in another person’s life, not for the better. she was so perfect at being imperfect it scared her.
and the people she cared about moved on. they turned their backs on her, and not that anyone should pity her. she had everything she needed… it was her own fault things were the way they were. she was the way she was because she chose for it to be that way.
and who is this girl? this foreign numb girl that no one can comprehend? not because of her sheer excellence but because she seemed to be so human, so alien at the same time, she made mistakes that were unfixable, she pierced wounds, and caught the blood in her hands, she founded what was incurable. she was a girl that needed to be saved.
but who would do that? there certainly was no prince charming. not in her life, and hell, was there really any in reality? there was no best friend, or fairy god mother… there wasn’t her own beauty or intelligence…
but there was god.
but she would have to make an effort for Him. someone who she knew, and yet was so unfamiliar with, it would be hard to imagine, that she was aware of his existence at all. her, the girl in despair, the girl that could not bring a smile on anyone’s face for more than 5 minutes, the one that couldn’t reach out to anyone, never mind anyone else, she couldn’t reach out to herself. this girl who expected everything would come to her, who expected that life would magically fall into place one day, without having to move a finger.

what a fool.
what a fool
what a fool
she was
that girl.

there were people around her, people she found important, people that made a difference in her life, even by a heart beat, but she couldn’t tell them anything to make them want to stay, or listen or feel anything with her, for her.
she
was
nothing.