I can feel it in the air
like that strange calm
before the storm.
something’s going to happen, he says.
no duh, a storm.
no, he says, something more
a disaster, he says
just pretend, please.
Fine. a giant turtle will eat all the grass in the entire world
no. more like
in the world
will hold their breath
as that feeling overcomes them
because they know
will happen and it
will be bad
and nothing will
ever be the same.
yes, like a storm.
A worldwide storm? nothing ever the same?
Curtains blowing in the breeze,
Footprints in the sand.
you cannot go on in life,
so it is largely unplanned:
you’ll gracefully cast yourself
Into the silent, dark ocean.
there’ll be little commotion,
soon overtaken by everlasting peace,
as you lie upon the water
floating past this disease.
to do this you were compelled:
to end the anxiety,
so the water will make your body swell,
and unrecognizable you’ll be,
but swallow down the salty tears,
because you’ll finally be free.
Do you really think
you can handle this?
Sweetie, I wrote
the book on lies
so much sweeter
Fantasies stay in a mind
Can’t wait for it this time
Ignorance is bliss
and it will stay
if I have a say
you can’t handle the truth
I’m gone with my dreams
I’ve got the means
You can’t escape
your mouth is agape
Have fun with the lies
what a surprise
this is what you deserved?
well I’ve observed,
and you do.
about you that
I know is true)
I am withering away
like a dandelion in the breeze
can’t you see?
If I disperse
in all the cardinal directions
how will I ever be able to
find myself again?
You don’t understand
health is everything
and I am
It’s not my fault,
it’s this disease
I’m tired of people
to get over it
because I can’t
when my body and mind
are withering away,
just one little breeze
makes me sway,
and a gust will surely
and No one can save me
if I am already rotting on the ground
I can still conjure your image
straight from thin air
(you took away my breath
from the first day I saw you)
Your eyes appear first
crinkled like half-moons,
brown like the dirt
from which flowers grow,
and in their mixed color
I see your soul
laugh lines lopsided
as if you laughed so hard once,
you stretched your mouth,
like a rubber tree,
and it no longer fit right
(in my nightmares
your lopsided smile
is a Glasgow grin)
and it is gleaming,
like a hook,
I was caught instantly
brighter than the sun
reflecting off golden wood,
gaunt as a dead garden but
rose-red with laughter
your skin slowly sinks
around these features
filling in with bronze
perfect as if you were
blacker than a starless night,
blacker than the darkest hour
before rosy dawn,
framing your face
like the masterpiece it is.
because all I saw
was your face
all I ever see
is your face
(tear-stains still dripping down
to your bloody,bloody face
I’m sorry I ruined it so)
so it’s fine if I do…
innocent as the acid
I swear I’ll never pour in your eyes
who said darkness is bad,
when white is the color of the snow
that kills the grass
that’s a lie
Don’t you see?
This is an ocean
You can’t escape
Flail all you want
It doesn’t care
It’s the ocean
You’re just a speck of sand
on a beach.
You are nothing
There are things bigger than you,
stronger than you
and there is nothing you can do.
(but it’s okay because the sun
will shine on your bloated body
and maybe, somewhere,
someone will cry over you
and then you’ll return back to the earth
like you were meant to
[it gave you life now it wants it back])
This fatigue is taking over me
This is my final decree.
My head is clouded from lack of sleep
All I do is weep and weep.
I wait for these meds to work out right,
but time simmers so slowly this very night.
No lover can withhold my pain,
here I am doomed to remain.
I lie alone, trembling in my bed,
there’s a pounding in my head
demons use my body then wish to be let out
I fear they’ll escape from my shouts.
The night leaks into day
To sleep I have not been swayed
There are no lullabies for me
dark teeth gnashing is all I foresee
Perhaps when Winter’s darkness is gone,
I’ll soon wake to Spring’s lovely song.
You see, I am a Persephone,
The seasons are an awful pass for me.
In Winter, I languish, nightmare-covered,
Temptations and vices are my lovers,
but Summer brings me back to life,
I am the sun’s effervescent wife.
In this cycle I am caught,
A lobster waiting to be bought,
The seasons cycle, and it can’t be mend.
(not with any amount of medicine)
based on seasonal affective disorder, nightmares,sleep paralysis and other sleep disorders.
I don’t try to hid behind a mask,
This is really what I think,
Well, I feel torn between two,
I feel my mind is on the brink
Angels cry because of my ways,
let out demons of mine I’d sworn I’d someday slay
This is a war that has occurred before,
been jotted down for centuries as lore.
A person’s mind is a battlefield,
Lores’ authors acknowledge this behest,
written on paper and stone, with bone or ink,
Their minds seem to also be on the brink
(I must not be as alone as I think)
Yet my demons know what I do and say,
They’ve damned me as their prey,
The Angels leave me, yet cry and moan,
bordering on the brink, I’m still as stone.
Suddenly,there is a burst of insight,
My demons still hang above me in my peripheral sight,
and after the brink, the abyss looms below,
but I now see I have a long way to go.
The Angels’ cries turn to song,
maybe it’s been this way all along,
maybe in darkness there is light
Maybe the brink teaches you to fight.
The only thing that could possibly satisfy me is holding your dying body, as you whisper all your regrets to me, and I’ll forgive you for the last time. I’m so tired of forgiving and, then,you’ll never again do anything to be sorry for… It’s better this way.
I thought things would be different,
but this feeling never goes away.
I thought things would be better
but hope is just so fake.
I thought there would be happiness
but disappointment is left in my wake.
I thought this feeling would disappear
but it remains unwavering and near.
I thought I would find true love
but I only found true doubt.
I thought he would understand,
but he excuses himself.
I thought I would be happy
I thought things would be fine
I thought everything would work out
by about this time.
But I was wrong, and after so long…
I’ve changed. Strange.
I never thought I would become this,
but depression brings such pain.
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