Daily dreams remind me of the absence of heart and mind
accompanying those of no inner intent
as they babble on in talks of turns
and bumble down the road to and from the bar.
Unconsciousness calls! Quick! Drink to reply!
I pass some spirit zombies on my way into the world,
staying up late enough to see my own ghosts,
talk to my own shadow.
A reminder of the former undevelopments I owned.
I’ll leave lovers I never loved in the dust of my path
for the betterment of a future I yet know not
but in mind, where it’s all pretend-
this life focuses
sharper and sharper
At the end of the day
with an already full shame tank
I listen to the weathered words
of a divine inner hatred
for the freedom you never had
and are intent to deny me
as you remove my right
to celebrate myself
and discipline myself.
He nuzzles into her neck, kissing it softly, tickling her.
She giggles as she tries to get away.
”This doesn’t have to end tonight..” He whispers in her ear.
”You promised. You promised you wouldn’t do this.”
”I’m going to miss you so much.”
”Not nearly as much as I will miss you.”
My heart aches. My body, immobile. I eat. I work. I lay on my bed staring at my ceiling. I feel like there is nothing left inside me. Like my soul has been ripped from me. There is no motivation. Doing anything. Watching T.V. Playing video games. I am just a husk. I’ve ruined us. I ripped my own soul out.
I am a bag of potato chips: consistent disappointment.
You’ll find that I’m only half as much as what you bargained for,
payment not equal to this palatable illusion.
I am terrible for you.
I was a bad decision.
You didn’t actually want me,
but you thought you did.
Nothing in exchange but a brief, false sense of satisfaction
and the bitter after-taste of a flavour you thought you liked,
thought you needed.
You never learn.
I am what you crave:
a burning hunger for a late night snack of salty regret.
I want to feel music inside me til my ears bleed.
I want to feel passion til my heart bursts.
I want to run til I collapse from exhaustion.
I want to enjoy life past my lifetime.
I want not to be human.
Sleep. Dream. Awaken. Think. Overthink. Smoke. Relax. Epiphany. Munch. Smoke. Sleep. Dream. Awaken..
When I was younger I wanted to be a husband. A father. Then I realized I was selfish. And to be a husband one needed to be selfLESS. You live for your wife. Your plans are for your family. All I can think of now. Is. Myself.
Staring at the wall
I never meant to at all
Getting so lost in my thoughts
It gets hard to look across
Self-loathing and much greed
What in the world has come over me?
Hit my head against this wall
Break bad habits, break through it all.
It had been years since I had visited my aunt. She looked so different then she used to. Her eyes were much darker and more sunken in. Her hair was really thin and crazy looking.
“Gage! There is so much darkness around you! You have a demon with you!” She said loudly, jumping to her feet as I walked into her room.
“I know, Bene, that’s why I came to see you.”
The truth is, there is no end. It all goes on and on and on. Everything. Racism, homophobia, sexism, oppression..and worst of all? People don’t necessarily “end” either. Yes, we may go but the memory of the path we once led will remain forever. It is up to you whether this becomes a good thing or a bad thing.
Day 1: Re-write a classic fairy tale
The Boy Who Cried Wolf
Bristle was a peaceful town. We never had any bandits, never had any animal attacks. Life was actually pretty boring in Bristle. Until recently. Seems like a wolf or wolves have been killing some of old Duncan’s sheep. Stranger still, there haven’t been any sitings of any wolves in the neighboring forests. Edwin, Bristle’s mayor, decided to set up an evening and day watch to stop these occurrences quickly. Seeing this as an opportunity to seek some adventure, my friend, Liam, and I volunteered to watch. Oh, how I regret that. Every four hours, taking turns standing under a tall oak watching the sheep. What fun.
It was a quiet night. The moon was waxing, the stars bright in the clear skies. Sheep just standing there normally, doing what sheep do. It was already my first day and I was dreading volunteering for this. Where in my mind did this become a good idea? Oh well, at least I was getting paid something for it.
Day shift today. The sun was bright and blinding, contrasted by the autumn’s cold, chilling me to my bones. A warm fire isn’t part of the pay, so I spent my shift gathering wood in the forest. I loved these forests as a child. Memorized most of it, so I never got lost or felt uncomfortable in them. Today though, I felt like something was watching me, or stalking me. After collecting enough wood, I headed on back, quicker now.
Another day shift. Bitter cold with lots of clouds. Seems like we might be getting some snow in the next few days. I decided that if it was going to continue getting colder, I was going to need to stockpile some firewood for the next few days. At least it would give me something to do other than stare at sheep. Duncan happily lent me his hatchet to assist me with the job. Liam decided to join me on my mission since he was too lazy to get firewood himself the day before. While cutting down some trees, Liam told me about how he swore he saw the wolf in the woods near the sheep fields.
“I’m serious, Damian. I saw the wolf that’s killing the sheep!”
The look in his eyes would have made me trust him if I didn’t know his lying nature. He continued on, however.
“It was weird though. It wasn’t even staring at the sheep though. It was just sitting there at the edge of the forest just staring at me. Like it was hunting, me,” He trailed off, searching the woods as if he would see it sitting on some ridge staring at us. The thought of it sent chills down my spine. Just then a twig snapped. Liam jumped, dropping the firewood out of his arms.
“If you saw the wolf, why didn’t you tell Edwin or Duncan?” I asked, putting the dropped firewood back in his arms.
“I did. When we got back it was gone. Duncan got onto me and said that if he caught me lying again, that he’d make me clean the barn out for two weeks. Yeah, right.”
We both laughed and returned back to Duncan’s farm.
It snowed today. A lot. And it’s still snowing. It’s making me feel very sleepy. The fire is keeping me super warm and this snow is just numbing my body and mind. I just want to snuggle inside my bed. Instead I’m stuck out here. Sitting in the snow staring at this endless snow fall over the night. And that is when I noticed it. Something white, but the shape was different. Something quite large from the look of it. It was just sitting there staring at me. It was the wolf, what else could it be? What should I do? So many questions, but then the answer hit me. I had to make sure it was real.
I slowly walked down to the forest, keeping my eyes on the wolf the entire time. If it was real, there was no way I was going to lose track of it. But there it was, motionless. As I approached it, I realized that I had no idea what to do if was real. I was still too far to see what exactly…[Read more]
Doing a thirty day writing challenge. Long posts in your future.
He was standing on the edge of the roof. Peaking across the edge, he took in a deep breathe as the distance down struck him. He smiled, water from the rain running off his nose.
” All it takes is a little faith.”
Then he leapt.
He inhaled deeply feeling the smoke fill his lungs, causing a pleasuring burn.
Exhale. French Inhale. Feeling higher and higher with each breathe.
Til I’m lost in the smoke and haze.
I love these winter days.
He lounged back in his chair, brushing his hair out of his face. He stared intently on the blank computer screen in front of him, when suddenly in the center of the screen a rainbow dot appeared. The more he focused on it the larger it got until the dot grew to the size of the screen, blasting him with a beautiful pure light. Enveloping him. He felt euphoric. Every ounce of him was electrified with strength and energy. His eyes widened. He could feel his heart beating wildly. It was kicking in. But then there was a shift. What was once hugging him, comforting him, was now crushing him. His energy was becoming too much and he felt like he couldn’t control his own muscles. His heart was pounding so hard, he literally was afraid of an alien popping out of his chest. The light he once saw was becoming a blindness. This beautiful dream was becoming a personal nightmare, a personal nightmare that was just beginning.
Both my mind and body were frozen with fear.
“You lay one finger on her…”
The man cocked the gun.
Without my even being aware of it, I was already there. My arm threw his chest, or what should have been my arm, but was now a two foot bone blade where it should have been.
He just wanted a rise out of me. Once the tears fell down from my cheek he knew that’s all he wanted. Some sick, twisted satisfaction he got out of seeing me cry..I was disgusted. And to call this monster a father? No fathers were present when I was raising myself.
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