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Depression

There is an uncertainty that resides within,
Where meaning should be,
Forehead weighed down by a frown,
Where bliss should be,
A dampened spirit lies in wake,
Where belief should be,
Escaping the world,
The world where I should be,
Looking away from what is,
Looking for where I would like to be,
There is ignorance at purpose,
Where doing should be,
There is a Depression,
Where life should be.

they’re all fake. and I feel like there’s no point.

I worry. I know I need to get back to Joel. Sooner rather than later. My mind is forever sabotaging me, my relationships. Ever since Joe. I’m happy with Joel. I love him. Things are great, the sex is amazing. But I worry. Because deep down I know it won’t last long. I want it to though. I want to be with Joel, for a while. He’s the best thing that’s happened to me since Joe. Maybe it’s just me. I’m broken. Damaged. Forever a disaster. Being home, I realize how drawn I am to Alan. I know it’s just my mind, being needy since Joel isn’t here. But I can’t shake it. Which scares me. I hate the fact that this always happens to me. It’s like I’m forever unsettled since Joe. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be happy in a relationship again. Or once I find the next one, I’ll still be looking around for something, someone else. I don’t even mean to, my mind just runs off. Like a freight train. Out of control. I just hope this train stays on track once I see Joel again. One can only hope.

Four days. That’s 96 hours until I can see your face again. Even though it’s only been three weeks, I feel like it’s been an eternity since I last saw you. It’s hard not having you around. But I’ve been managing.
Honestly, I never thought that you would be the relationship guy. You seemed such a free spirit, not that you slept around, no. Just that you couldn’t be tied down. That you wouldn’t be able to understand the dynamics of a relationship. That you wouldn’t be able to love me the same way that I would love you. A rough exterior, but I later discovered that’s all it was, an exterior.
We grew together, in the small space of the dorm room with your two other roommates. They would go out late at night with the across the hall neighbor Drew, and we’d be left alone. When my roommate would venture home for the weekends, we’d stay at my dorm, just 3 floors below you. We’d stay up into the dim hours of the night, to the moments where the sky would brighten with the rising sun, just talking. I slowly chiseled away at your rock shield. You started to pour your soul out to me, as I did to you.
Now I’m nestled in your heart, imprinted on your mind. You looked at me, after one of our deeper conversations, and said, ”I love you. I’ve never said that to a girl before. I probably don’t know what the word means, but I felt that I had to say it, or it would’ve killed me.” Never have I ever been happier to hear someone speak those words to me. Not Jake, not Joe, not Dylan, no one. None of those people were able to puddle my heart the way Joel did that night.
Since winter break, you’ve been checking up on me every morning, seeing how I am, and how my day is going, You genuinely care about me, and for me.
Which is why in 96 hours, I’ll be on the road to see you. And I can’t wait.
You’re my boy.
And I’m your girl.
And I love you.