My phone rang, and I hoped it was you. Sadly it wasn’t, it was some other friend. As I sit here and try to drink away the pain, no matter how hard I try you still dominate my mind. I wonder ”what if” with every breath. I keep hoping this is all just a nightmare, but then I take another drink and realize it is all too real. I could have been everything you ever wanted and dreamed of, but you lied to me. My tolerance is worn thin from years of neglect and abuse. Months and years will pass and all will be good again, but still I will wonder ”what if”…
In order to move, a fuel source is often required. Even for people, you need some method of propulsion. Gasoline is a method of propulsion for cars, jets, trucks, and motorcycles. But the term is a relative term. Cheeseburger has the same meaning essentially as food is fuel to keep us moving. Or music, as for many music is the fuel that drives their souls to do what they do. Anger, love, fear, lethargy, resentment, self sacrifice are all words that can describe what the word gasoline does. Fuel to move. But fuel is a relative term as different things motivate people to take action. I just wish I knew what my gasoline was.
To have a luxurious life, most would assume money, power and success are required. However luxury is nothing more than more than what is normally attained. And with life in the US being what it is, what is normally attained is becoming less and less for the average person. For me, to have a luxurious life is to have a wife who loves me with all her heart, kids who are healthy and intelligent and are generally good kids, and some kind of career that would afford us a life that is comfortable. Not wealthy or well off, but comfortable. Where there is no struggling, no paycheck to paycheck living. I’ve lived more than lifetime’s worth of that already and I don’t want that for my family. The stress of not knowing if your bills will be paid next month, how we are going to eat next week. I don’t want it in my life now, or ever again if it can be helped.
The somber realities of life and its trials and tribulations is best realized over a glass of fine aged whiskey. Not to get drunk, but the sting of the whiskey helps ease the sting of life and the realizations that reflection can bring about so unexpectedly. Hindsight is always 20/20 as they say. And yet it can be so hard to see clearly what lies in your wake, regardless of how obvious it may be or how far back it is. So raise a glass and have a sip of reality.
the room is bathed is a varying degree of acoustic delights. i anxiously await your entrance with baited breath. finally, you arrive. the moment i’ve dreamed of for far longer than i would like. you seductively approach me, my eyes fixed upon your every move. you embrace me and i say your name, d… you [...]
I’ve come too far,
I’m in too deep.
Stress and grief.
Vulnerable and scared,
Love was lost,
Love is found.
The hearts opposite,
finds its mate.
The hearts fulfillment,
Never too late.
The leap has risk,
If you catch love’s wiff.
But to never have jumped,
Always asking what if.
The end may come,
With pain once again.
But to never have risked it,
Would drive me insane.
when congregating with my group of friends, hysterical situations often ensue. alcohol is often involved, but i am usually the sober one of the group. not that i don’t enjoy a beer or three, but i don’t drink to get drunk. i drink to get a buzz then work to keep the buzz till it’s [...]
why do you treat me with such disrespect? what do I ever do to deserve it? I love you, and you hang up and insult me. I exert effort, but you show only indifference. I interrupt my sleep to talk with you, but you call me an idiot and tell me I’m dumb. you evoke [...]
I Miss You
Emotions, running wild.
Optimism, hard to find.
Actions speak louder than words.
Where there’s no action, there’s no words.
Silence, the sound I take comfort in.
Emptiness, the crowd I seek.
Sorrow, my personal hell.
I thirst for your beauty, I thirst for your warmth. I thirst for your laughter, I thirst for your love. I thirst for your patience, I thirst for your grace. I thirst for your presence, I thirst for your embrace. But most of all, I just wanna kiss you and tell you I love you. [...]
The term alumni is typically used to refer to college grads. But it also can be used to describe a former employee, member, inmate or contributor. I am an alumni to several companies.
Sometimes my heart gets in the way of my brain. Frustrating to say the least, especially to those who have to deal with me when I’m like that. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.
It’s times like these when I wonder…
How did I get where I am?
Do I mean anything to anyone? Well why don’t i?
Why is it that while I have played the rules all my life and yet it’s never gotten me anywhere?
Why does it feel like my being honest about myself and who I am as a person with others seems like more of a hindrance than a benefit? Because nobody nobody seems to take me serious as I am.
Maybe in order to get what I want and deserve I need to be an asshole and a selfish prick, because being sincere, genuine, honest and upfront seems to only bring me failure.
The point of going through hardships in life is to make the good times more enjoyable. What wanna know is when am I going to have one of these good times to help put the eternal hardship I’ve experienced in my life into perspective?
I dunno if I wanna play this game anymore. My heart grows weary of being collateral damage. Cast aside as if it doesn’t matter. Le sigh…..
Tomorrow is the last day with my goatee. Sunday morning, I shave clean to begin my playoff beard. :D
Integrity is staying true to yourself and your morals and beliefs in difficult times. When you’re challenged by a particular set of circumstances or a situation where its easier to cave than stick by your guns. Or when its easier to cave to the circumstances, to cut bait and run. I don’t cave easily. I [...]
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