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Depression

There is an uncertainty that resides within,
Where meaning should be,
Forehead weighed down by a frown,
Where bliss should be,
A dampened spirit lies in wake,
Where belief should be,
Escaping the world,
The world where I should be,
Looking away from what is,
Looking for where I would like to be,
There is ignorance at purpose,
Where doing should be,
There is a Depression,
Where life should be.

I worry. I know I need to get back to Joel. Sooner rather than later. My mind is forever sabotaging me, my relationships. Ever since Joe. I’m happy with Joel. I love him. Things are great, the sex is amazing. But I worry. Because deep down I know it won’t last long. I want it to though. I want to be with Joel, for a while. He’s the best thing that’s happened to me since Joe. Maybe it’s just me. I’m broken. Damaged. Forever a disaster. Being home, I realize how drawn I am to Alan. I know it’s just my mind, being needy since Joel isn’t here. But I can’t shake it. Which scares me. I hate the fact that this always happens to me. It’s like I’m forever unsettled since Joe. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be happy in a relationship again. Or once I find the next one, I’ll still be looking around for something, someone else. I don’t even mean to, my mind just runs off. Like a freight train. Out of control. I just hope this train stays on track once I see Joel again. One can only hope.