That night. The night. It will always be cased in resin, perfectly preserved; the perfect night.
We both indulged in some psychedelics that night. Though, your trip was going downhill while mine soared. I could feel your uncomfortableness. It pulsed out to me like radio waves. You went away to try and purge yourself of the fungus that was tormenting you. You came back, still with fear painted on your face. You were not free from the spores. You said that they still had you in the palm of their hands. So we left, to the outdoors. As soon as the cool air hit my lungs, I felt intertwined, connected; to everything. I felt the life of everything pulse and breathe. I looked over to you, and some relief seemed to crawl upon your face.
We walked all over campus. I had not a clue where my feet were taking me, but they seemed to know. I was a passenger to my own body. My eyes took in the dark night, glistening with water droplets from the morning. Even in the death of the end of fall, there was still life. Lights glowed and danced, colors popped out from all depths of the spectrum. We walked, and followed to wherever my feet led us. For hours we wandered, lost in the tranquility.
We crossed a bridge, and you took my hand. Even in my state of mind, I knew this was monumental for you. Hand holding was not one of the fonder things on your list, so I treasured how your hand encased mine. So together we walked. Back to my room, hand in hand.
We hardly noticed the cold, though inside my room the warmth blanketed us. We lay on the bed, your head on my chest, looking at nothing but each other. You sit up, eyes still locked on mine. In that moment, I swear I felt your soul. I was so connected to you, and you to I.
And in that moment, you whispered, ”I love you.”
I do not know where these tears flow from.
I do not know of their cause.
What makes them to continue
to stream down my face
while I sob
I worry. I know I need to get back to Joel. Sooner rather than later. My mind is forever sabotaging me, my relationships. Ever since Joe. I’m happy with Joel. I love him. Things are great, the sex is amazing. But I worry. Because deep down I know it won’t last long. I want it to though. I want to be with Joel, for a while. He’s the best thing that’s happened to me since Joe. Maybe it’s just me. I’m broken. Damaged. Forever a disaster. Being home, I realize how drawn I am to Alan. I know it’s just my mind, being needy since Joel isn’t here. But I can’t shake it. Which scares me. I hate the fact that this always happens to me. It’s like I’m forever unsettled since Joe. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be happy in a relationship again. Or once I find the next one, I’ll still be looking around for something, someone else. I don’t even mean to, my mind just runs off. Like a freight train. Out of control. I just hope this train stays on track once I see Joel again. One can only hope.
Coming home is a difficult task. Everyone I see somehow leads me back to you.
I saw Devin and his girl in town the other day. Sat and had coffee and a few smokes with them. Devin brought up your brother Steve, and how he got inked finally. Which of course opened the door to the topic of you. Stupidly, my curiosity led me to ask how you were doing. Still at the farmhouse? Still with the girl? Yes, yes, and oh, you’re going to be a dad. Damn. That was a bit of a backhand. Sobering thought there. The slight chance of me maybe seeing you ever demolished. I don’t know why I hung onto that notion, but for whatever reason I held it close. In the back of my mind, deep, locked up real tight. I take a drag of my bog. Think about what a good dad you’ll make. Almost jealous. Why? I don’t know. I guess a small part of me will forever want you. To be with you. I just wish I could get it removed. Take out the damaged part of me. Erase it completely. That’s another thing I wonder. If it would be better if I could erase every memory of you, or if I need this sufferance for something greater. But no matter what I do, it somehow leads back to you.
Size. It matters. Sadly in society today outer beauty has become overpowered. The beautiful personalities of people have been lost by the weight they wear on their bones. And not the weight of their image of themselves inside.
I remember in the beginning we would be walking. I would reach down and grab your hand. It was stiff, uncomfortable, alien. You would try to slide your hand away. I’d pick up on this, and drop your hand. Tilt my head up at you and ask why you didn’t want to hold hands. ”I just don’t like to. I don’t know.” This was before you started calling me your girl. Though a few weeks ago, we were walking on campus, at 1 am. Talking, staring at how the water droplets refracted the lights. How beautiful everything looked in the dead of night. All of a sudden, mid conversation, you reached down and wove your fingers through mine. I said your hand was cold. ”Well your hand is obviously meant to warm mine.” And we walked like that. Hand in hand, all the way back to the dorms. That’s the night you told me you loved me.
Four days. That’s 96 hours until I can see your face again. Even though it’s only been three weeks, I feel like it’s been an eternity since I last saw you. It’s hard not having you around. But I’ve been managing.
Honestly, I never thought that you would be the relationship guy. You seemed such a free spirit, not that you slept around, no. Just that you couldn’t be tied down. That you wouldn’t be able to understand the dynamics of a relationship. That you wouldn’t be able to love me the same way that I would love you. A rough exterior, but I later discovered that’s all it was, an exterior.
We grew together, in the small space of the dorm room with your two other roommates. They would go out late at night with the across the hall neighbor Drew, and we’d be left alone. When my roommate would venture home for the weekends, we’d stay at my dorm, just 3 floors below you. We’d stay up into the dim hours of the night, to the moments where the sky would brighten with the rising sun, just talking. I slowly chiseled away at your rock shield. You started to pour your soul out to me, as I did to you.
Now I’m nestled in your heart, imprinted on your mind. You looked at me, after one of our deeper conversations, and said, ”I love you. I’ve never said that to a girl before. I probably don’t know what the word means, but I felt that I had to say it, or it would’ve killed me.” Never have I ever been happier to hear someone speak those words to me. Not Jake, not Joe, not Dylan, no one. None of those people were able to puddle my heart the way Joel did that night.
Since winter break, you’ve been checking up on me every morning, seeing how I am, and how my day is going, You genuinely care about me, and for me.
Which is why in 96 hours, I’ll be on the road to see you. And I can’t wait.
You’re my boy.
And I’m your girl.
And I love you.
Back home for the holidays. Back from college. Away from new friends. Spending time with the one’s I’ve left at home. Those who went off to college elsewhere. I’m happy here. Though I miss Joel. Things took off at college. He surprised me, decided to ask me to be his girl. For a while I thought he was looking for the ”full college experience” as my ex would put it.. though Joel and Jake aren’t at all alike. Though, they somewhat are. How they both can captivate a room, have all eyes and ears on them. Though Joel is much more humble about it than Jake ever was. Joel’s a sweetheart. He’s about 3 hours away at his house for the Holidays. Though I plan on visiting him soon. I’m glad I can spend time with friends here too. Brian, Ashley, Adam, Jay, and more. Got to hang out with Alan too, Brian’s brother. I don’t know what it is about Alan, but we’re pretty connected. I have to keep my guard up when I’m around him, I can’t slip up. Can’t do that to Joel. I’m not like that. Not like Jake. A cheater. No. Not only do I have to fight myself when I’m with Alan, but also put on a facade with Dylan. He’s the one that got away. He’ll always be that one. Half a month of amazing, perfect times; gone. Because of college. Never have I been happier in my life than when I was with Dylan. Smart, handsome, talented in so many ways. He also has the same confidence that Jake and Joel posses when it comes to an audience; he captivates. Everyone loves Dylan. And I think I still do too. I know it’s not my fault he’s gone, college did that to us. I just wish we would’ve put our fears aside back in the last few months of high school and told each other how we really felt instead of hiding behind air tight doors. We could’ve went to prom together, and it would have been the best of all of high school. We could have had the summer together, and maybe still be together today. But what’s the use in wondering? In still dwelling on it now? There really isn’t one. He’s still a good friend, as is Alan. It’s hard not having Joel here. And I can’t wait to see him. It’s just weird, I feel like I’m living two separate lives. A home life, and then my college life. I just somehow need to sew them together.
What do I want? I don’t know. I never seem to be content. For a little while, maybe I am. Though it never seems to stick.
I haven’t been on here in quite some time. At college now. New people. New faces. New places. I finally got over Joe. Though now I’ve ran into another wall. Joel. Scary how similar the two are. Not just in name. Though Joel isn’t exactly as old as Joe. I’m older but, still. I decided to venture in unknown waters, to ask what exactly we were. Same thing I did with Joe. Same outcome, disappointment. He didn’t want a commitment, and neither does Joel. Though even though both told me the same story, I still managed to fasten myself to both. I fell so hard for Joe, and now I’m afraid the same thing is happening with Joel. Though, I was hoping that he was experiencing the same thing. Guess not. Guess I’ve just been hoodwinked again. I got to get off this treadmill. I’m going no where. I just keep falling down, getting damaged.
College is good for that. The only thing I wish I knew then was that the real strength comes from simply opening up to experience it at all – THAT was the truly terrifying moment. Sometimes it doesn’t work… but the real treadmill is what happens when you quit on it altogether. I do not recommend it.
I just want to say thank you, to all of those who’ve read my posts. It means a lot to me.
What is wrong with me? I find this amazing guy, who’s actually into me, and all I can think about is you. I hate myself for it. And it’s not just you I’m thinking about. It’s Matt. And Brad. And basically every older guy who’s left me dangling. With all of them, I was just being strung along. Always having to chase. Never in the lead. Now, for once, I am. And I don’t know what to do. Where to go. I’m stuck in reverse. Suck in rewind. Always living in the past. I need to shift, need to grind through the gears and fly. Though it seems like I’ve blown my trans. I need to be fixed. Somehow.
I look up at the night sky. So clear. Every star is shining bright. There are hundreds of them. Forming shapes. I continue to gaze at them. Realizing that I can’t be the only one doing this. Wondering, if somewhere out there, you might be doing the same. Staring up at the black midnight sky. Staring at the shining stars. We used to sneak out late at night. Go to the big field. Lay on the hood of your civic. Pointing out the constellations to each other. My head on your chest. Listening to your heart beat slow, your breathing steady. I could’ve fallen asleep like that. Perfectly content. Perfectly happy. I scan my eyes across the vast sky. Knowing that somewhere, you’re under the same sky. I wonder what you may be doing. What you may be thinking. And if those thoughts are of me.
I crawl from the couch into bed at 2 a.m. Insomnia kept me up again. Though now, the storm outside is keeping me from blissful sleep. I lay in bed, watching the flashes of lightning awaken the sky. The low rumbles of thunder echo over the hills. Each time the sky ignites, I can’t help but think of you. Of that afternoon after the big hurricane. The thunder becomes louder, more aggressive. Rain finally falls from the sky. No longer is the storm keeping me up. Instead, that long ago memory of you and I.
October. School was closed on Thursday and remained closed until the up coming Tuesday due to the power outages caused by the hurricane. It was odd to have one here so late, or even at all. It was Saturday morning. I woke up, and we had lost power. The sky was an unusual bright steel blue for just having caused so much havoc. I hear my dad in the basement cussing at the sump pump for failing us. Leaving our cement basement a perfect kiddie pool. I head outside to inspect the damage. Fallen branches, leaves scattered everywhere. But things are intact. My wrangler has a pool in the driver’s slide floor. Pull the bottom plug of it and let the river flow. As I’m doing this, I decide to call you. A few rings and you answer. You too are out of power, and the main road to your house has been closed by police barriers because of a fallen tree. The wind is still fairly strong, but everything else has subsided. So we decided to meet up by the resivour. I have to take back roads since the highways stoplights are out of oder, but I finally meet up with you. I pull into the gravel parking lot, and see you sitting on the hood of your civic, smoking a bog. I smile, thinking of how a few weeks ago we were in the same spot at 2 a.m. Sitting on the hood of your civic, staring up at the stars, and letting our hands wander. I put my Wrangler in park, and slide out and on over to where you’re sitting. I wait for you to exhale, and you turn to me. “Sup babe?” you say as you pull me into you. Lips soft and hungry against mine. I ask you what the plan of action is for today, and you reply with “It’s a surprise.” You tell me to hop back in the jeep and follow you back to your place. I do as I’m told. Up the windy back road to your place we go. Once there, you tell me to give you my keys. So I do. And you slide into the drivers seat as I take my place aside you. And again, we drive, with you leading the way. I ask where we’re going. You just smile and say, “You’ll see when we get there.” Turns out “there” is your buddy Matt’s farmhouse. More like a bachelor pad shared between 3 guys, and 83 open acres to play on. With trails going through the woods for off roading. “Let’s see what this thing can do.” I told you that we probably will get stuck. “Nah, it’s a Jeep. You’ll see.” We drive around through the woods on the trails. Driving through mudded fields, doing donuts. Laughing at my reactions to everything you do. Sublime and the RHCP’s blare from the speakers. You put your arm around me as we drive. Getting deeper into the forest. Going up and down twisty hills. I’m lost as all hell, but you seem to know exactly where we are. And I’m perfectly okay with you being the leader. Finally, we’re in a clearing, and you put the Wrangler in park. You crack open one of the beers you brought, and pass it over to me. Crack another one for you. We get out, sit on the hardtop of the jeep. Sipping on some beer. You also brought more goodies along. So we take them out. Taking hits and letting them out. Getting stoned in the middle of the woods. The sun’s going down slowly. We’re laying on top of the Wrangler still. You inch closer, and I absorb your heat. Feeling your hands draw shapes on my skin. You turn your head and start tracing my ear with your tongue. Pushing my buttons. You know me too well. I give in, and give myself to your kisses. To your touch. Everything. You had me on top of the world. I never wanted that moment to…[Read more]
You set the bar. And you must’ve set it somewhere in the clouds, cause boy, no one has come close to what you were. Every guy I meet, I instantly compare them to you. Instinctively measuring them up to the standards you’ve set. How they all differ from you. I knit pick at them, noting if some similarity sparks my eye. But no such luck. It’s apples to oranges. And you were the juicy cortland. None of them can pull off the smile that would have me melt. Not one can mimic your antics. They just don’t measure up. Because none of them, are you.
”Look at yourself, as if you don’t know yourself, that’s when all the truths fly.”
I need to leave this place. Leave it all behind. The places, the faces, this life. I’ve left too many marks here. On the people and land. And they’ve left too many on me. I need to break free.
Thank you. Writing helps, getting it all down. Hoping that doing this will be able to allow me to let it all goIn reply to - zoe posted an update in the group What's on your mind? I dropped off my friend, turned around, homeward bound. I make the turn left onto the back road. The one that I was on almost every day last summer. I drop my speed, coasting by your family home. I know you’ll be there. You’re all celebrating your birthday. And right next to the van, is your Jeep. And a green Jeep parked adjacent. A blonde woman walks to it, holding her hand is a small little boy. I realize it’s your girlfriend, with her son. Everything in me falls. Exactly a year ago today, we were celebrating your 22nd. Drinking, smoking, laughing. We all shouted ”happy birthday” when the clock struck 12. And the party carried on. Drinking straight from the bottle, jumping into the pool. Splashing, dunking, flipping people over heads. The night wore down, and everyone found their resting place on an open sofa. I went into my room to change, and you followed me. I tell you that you can have my bed, and I’ll take my dad’s since he’s gone. Though you grab my wrist, ”This bed’s big enough for both of us.” I ask if you’re sure, and you just flash me that smile. That wild, hungry, dazzling smile. It makes me melt. Off go the lights, and into bed we climb. I vine my arms around your neck, and your hands wander across my ribs. Kissing up and down your neck, nibbling on your ear. Whispering to you my own personal happy birthday. While the other’s sleep, we stay wide awake, tangled up in each other. It’s strange, how that feels like it was only yesterday. Reality is a cruel mistress. A painful one. Almost as painful as seeing you, celebrating with someone else. • View
I don’t where this started,
don’t know where it might
I don’t recall boarding
that’s chugging down the tracks.
It was as if I was thrown
headlong into the water.
Where I steadily tread
as the tide washed over me.
Nights like these are when I miss you most. When I can’t sleep. Remembering how easy it was to slip out the back door, and slide into your car. How amazing it felt to be awake when the rest of the world was fast asleep. Feeling the wet grass on my toes. Looking up at you, and being able to see every star perfectly. How the moonlight fed our buzz as we sat tangled on the hood of your car. I’m wide awake now, and there’s no car sitting curbside. No you idling outside my window. Just me, sitting under the stars, asking the moon to keep my secrets.
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