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Coming home is a difficult task. Everyone I see somehow leads me back to you.

I saw Devin and his girl in town the other day. Sat and had coffee and a few smokes with them. Devin brought up your brother Steve, and how he got inked finally. Which of course opened the door to the topic of you. Stupidly, my curiosity led me to ask how you were doing. Still at the farmhouse? Still with the girl? Yes, yes, and oh, you’re going to be a dad. Damn. That was a bit of a backhand. Sobering thought there. The slight chance of me maybe seeing you ever demolished. I don’t know why I hung onto that notion, but for whatever reason I held it close. In the back of my mind, deep, locked up real tight. I take a drag of my bog. Think about what a good dad you’ll make. Almost jealous. Why? I don’t know. I guess a small part of me will forever want you. To be with you. I just wish I could get it removed. Take out the damaged part of me. Erase it completely. That’s another thing I wonder. If it would be better if I could erase every memory of you, or if I need this sufferance for something greater. But no matter what I do, it somehow leads back to you.

I remember in the beginning we would be walking. I would reach down and grab your hand. It was stiff, uncomfortable, alien. You would try to slide your hand away. I’d pick up on this, and drop your hand. Tilt my head up at you and ask why you didn’t want to hold hands. ”I just don’t like to. I don’t know.” This was before you started calling me your girl. Though a few weeks ago, we were walking on campus, at 1 am. Talking, staring at how the water droplets refracted the lights. How beautiful everything looked in the dead of night. All of a sudden, mid conversation, you reached down and wove your fingers through mine. I said your hand was cold. ”Well your hand is obviously meant to warm mine.” And we walked like that. Hand in hand, all the way back to the dorms. That’s the night you told me you loved me.

Back home for the holidays. Back from college. Away from new friends. Spending time with the one’s I’ve left at home. Those who went off to college elsewhere. I’m happy here. Though I miss Joel. Things took off at college. He surprised me, decided to ask me to be his girl. For a while I thought he was looking for the ”full college experience” as my ex would put it.. though Joel and Jake aren’t at all alike. Though, they somewhat are. How they both can captivate a room, have all eyes and ears on them. Though Joel is much more humble about it than Jake ever was. Joel’s a sweetheart. He’s about 3 hours away at his house for the Holidays. Though I plan on visiting him soon. I’m glad I can spend time with friends here too. Brian, Ashley, Adam, Jay, and more. Got to hang out with Alan too, Brian’s brother. I don’t know what it is about Alan, but we’re pretty connected. I have to keep my guard up when I’m around him, I can’t slip up. Can’t do that to Joel. I’m not like that. Not like Jake. A cheater. No. Not only do I have to fight myself when I’m with Alan, but also put on a facade with Dylan. He’s the one that got away. He’ll always be that one. Half a month of amazing, perfect times; gone. Because of college. Never have I been happier in my life than when I was with Dylan. Smart, handsome, talented in so many ways. He also has the same confidence that Jake and Joel posses when it comes to an audience; he captivates. Everyone loves Dylan. And I think I still do too. I know it’s not my fault he’s gone, college did that to us. I just wish we would’ve put our fears aside back in the last few months of high school and told each other how we really felt instead of hiding behind air tight doors. We could’ve went to prom together, and it would have been the best of all of high school. We could have had the summer together, and maybe still be together today. But what’s the use in wondering? In still dwelling on it now? There really isn’t one. He’s still a good friend, as is Alan. It’s hard not having Joel here. And I can’t wait to see him. It’s just weird, I feel like I’m living two separate lives. A home life, and then my college life. I just somehow need to sew them together.

What is wrong with me? I find this amazing guy, who’s actually into me, and all I can think about is you. I hate myself for it. And it’s not just you I’m thinking about. It’s Matt. And Brad. And basically every older guy who’s left me dangling. With all of them, I was just being strung along. Always having to chase. Never in the lead. Now, for once, I am. And I don’t know what to do. Where to go. I’m stuck in reverse. Suck in rewind. Always living in the past. I need to shift, need to grind through the gears and fly. Though it seems like I’ve blown my trans. I need to be fixed. Somehow.

I crawl from the couch into bed at 2 a.m. Insomnia kept me up again. Though now, the storm outside is keeping me from blissful sleep. I lay in bed, watching the flashes of lightning awaken the sky. The low rumbles of thunder echo over the hills. Each time the sky ignites, I can’t help but think of you. Of that afternoon after the big hurricane. The thunder becomes louder, more aggressive. Rain finally falls from the sky. No longer is the storm keeping me up. Instead, that long ago memory of you and I.

October. School was closed on Thursday and remained closed until the up coming Tuesday due to the power outages caused by the hurricane. It was odd to have one here so late, or even at all. It was Saturday morning. I woke up, and we had lost power. The sky was an unusual bright steel blue for just having caused so much havoc. I hear my dad in the basement cussing at the sump pump for failing us. Leaving our cement basement a perfect kiddie pool. I head outside to inspect the damage. Fallen branches, leaves scattered everywhere. But things are intact. My wrangler has a pool in the driver’s slide floor. Pull the bottom plug of it and let the river flow. As I’m doing this, I decide to call you. A few rings and you answer. You too are out of power, and the main road to your house has been closed by police barriers because of a fallen tree. The wind is still fairly strong, but everything else has subsided. So we decided to meet up by the resivour. I have to take back roads since the highways stoplights are out of oder, but I finally meet up with you. I pull into the gravel parking lot, and see you sitting on the hood of your civic, smoking a bog. I smile, thinking of how a few weeks ago we were in the same spot at 2 a.m. Sitting on the hood of your civic, staring up at the stars, and letting our hands wander. I put my Wrangler in park, and slide out and on over to where you’re sitting. I wait for you to exhale, and you turn to me. “Sup babe?” you say as you pull me into you. Lips soft and hungry against mine. I ask you what the plan of action is for today, and you reply with “It’s a surprise.” You tell me to hop back in the jeep and follow you back to your place. I do as I’m told. Up the windy back road to your place we go. Once there, you tell me to give you my keys. So I do. And you slide into the drivers seat as I take my place aside you. And again, we drive, with you leading the way. I ask where we’re going. You just smile and say, “You’ll see when we get there.” Turns out “there” is your buddy Matt’s farmhouse. More like a bachelor pad shared between 3 guys, and 83 open acres to play on. With trails going through the woods for off roading. “Let’s see what this thing can do.” I told you that we probably will get stuck. “Nah, it’s a Jeep. You’ll see.” We drive around through the woods on the trails. Driving through mudded fields, doing donuts. Laughing at my reactions to everything you do. Sublime and the RHCP’s blare from the speakers. You put your arm around me as we drive. Getting deeper into the forest. Going up and down twisty hills. I’m lost as all hell, but you seem to know exactly where we are. And I’m perfectly okay with you being the leader. Finally, we’re in a clearing, and you put the Wrangler in park. You crack open one of the beers you brought, and pass it over to me. Crack another one for you. We get out, sit on the hardtop of the jeep. Sipping on some beer. You also brought more goodies along. So we take them out. Taking hits and letting them out. Getting stoned in the middle of the woods. The sun’s going down slowly. We’re laying on top of the Wrangler still. You inch closer, and I absorb your heat. Feeling your hands draw shapes on my skin. You turn your head and start tracing my ear with your tongue. Pushing my buttons. You know me too well. I give in, and give myself to your kisses. To your touch. Everything. You had me on top of the world. I never wanted that moment to…[Read more]

”Look at yourself, as if you don’t know yourself, that’s when all the truths fly.”

Nights like these are when I miss you most. When I can’t sleep. Remembering how easy it was to slip out the back door, and slide into your car. How amazing it felt to be awake when the rest of the world was fast asleep. Feeling the wet grass on my toes. Looking up at you, and being able to see every star perfectly. How the moonlight fed our buzz as we sat tangled on the hood of your car. I’m wide awake now, and there’s no car sitting curbside. No you idling outside my window. Just me, sitting under the stars, asking the moon to keep my secrets.