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lean on my shoulder, i will let you.

carve your name into my flesh with your nails and sink your teeth into the crook of my neck. i will let you.

flood my pores with your tears and bury your head against my throat, as if i can hide you from all that exists. i will pretend with you.

it won’t make you do the same for me but maybe if i scoop up all of your darkness, i will take all of your sorrow and become nothing

allow me.

Posted By F On 05.15.2013 @ 6:18 am

i feel like i should be complaining about how it’s unfair that they won’t allow me to love you

but it’s also unfair how your fingertips graze my chin and i am at your mercy

you could crack my skull open, twist my neck at a ninety-degree angle, and yet i allow you to cradle me to sleep

it’s unfair how my mother had to find herself in the bottom of a bottle. it’s unfair how my friends have grown distant and molted into different animals.

it’s unfair how many people have been battered by words not meant for them it’s unfair how many skins have turned purple, revealing their fragility

but things happen, and people fall in love and some run and others drown

at least allow me to drown in you i can be your tragedy ( you were already mine )

Posted By F On 05.14.2013 @ 2:32 am

The girl had auburn hair, and when they put her on the morgue slab it spread out, drifting over the side in a red-brown wave. She had grey bruises around her eyes, a bitter twist of the mouth. When the men who had delivered her left, I stroked the side of her face gently. There is nothing sadder, I think, than this job. Seeing the sadness, the brittle I-cannot-go-on look. Nothing sadder than picking up the hairbrush and the powder and trying to paint it away for the family.

Posted By F On 05.12.2013 @ 1:19 pm

And see, maybe it is cheap, and grey, and maybe there is mould seeping in and maybe there’s a draft and yes- maybe it’s too small. But there are sunsets here. And when I look out of the window I can see the rain turn gold in the light of the street lamps. I can see the pink of the sky like an infinite block of rose-tinted glass. I can see beauty in the normality and the greyness and the storm, and it is celestial.

Posted By F On 05.11.2013 @ 4:38 pm

I just want to get clean- So I take a bath, take the soap in with me. Like a bar of chicken-broth jade. Green and translucent. As gelled and shining as an eye. I want to eat it, want to be clean inside. I want to smell like old green stone. But I can’t. The water grows cold. I scrub and scrub but the grime clings.

Posted By F On 05.09.2013 @ 3:04 pm

you said i’d grow to like it someday when i would become a real adult ( i still doubt that’ll ever happen )

but i think you don’t understand the difference between liking something and drowning in it

Posted By F On 05.07.2013 @ 11:01 pm

simplify our romance.

tell me, how we can explain the dance of joints and muscles, bones clacking together, skin against skin, teeth against scar.

tell me, how we can summarize the endless nights, skies dark, even with stars, hearts hollow, cheeks salty, how can i summarize the words i failed to tell you?

tell me, how you can explain the shouting matches and the gritting of the teeth, the blur between love and hate and everything in between.

can you simplify, the insomnia, the euphoria, the one step away from the cliffside, the warm warm arms that wrap around me in blurry early mornings before the sun is up, before the coffee is made, before the people are alive and awake.

simplify your letters, your lips, the words that were caught up in your throat, the words that were exchanged through our touches, fingers interlaced through fingers, strands of hair, fingers wrapped around wrists, hands wrapped around throats.

simplify this: i love you. i hate you. kill me.

Posted By F On 05.09.2013 @ 1:22 am

everyone remembers the fire-girl, with her tongues licking up flames and her touch branding all those that ever dared to love her

everyone remembers the ice-girl, and the way her breaths fog up the glass because she’s not warm; she cold, too cold for you

no one remembers lukewarm, not painful, not sharp, just girl-boy-next-door, drowning in the sheets instead of devouring them

i could say that it was in my blood, that i had bad (boring) blood, but it’s just that i never burned big enough

( i was maybe a firework, a one-hit wonder, exploding in a multitude of colors against the night sky, loud and boisterous and celebratory and then forgotten )

boom.

Posted By F On 05.06.2013 @ 12:17 am

i don’t know if i can trust him but i know that i did

what else do you call phone calls at 2 am, when you’re most vulnerable?

what else do you call favors that aren’t favors, just commands for the excuse of friendship?

what else do you call, trusting him to keep your skin warm when it’s past midnight and you two are still naked?

and when we walked away, two hundred miles apart separated by a world of love and hate and misunderstanding i might have looked back

( i was not disappointed )

Posted By F On 05.05.2013 @ 1:50 am

you held my heart in your hands and gripped it tight, sealed it off from any light

you could keep it, really i didn’t mind as long as you’d leave it be as long as you were kind

but children are cruel ( teenagers are too ) so you crushed it out of curiosity, perhaps

that hurt, it really did but i can’t tell you that or give you the satisfaction i suppose that’s what i get for sleeping in your bed and loving you for it

Posted By F On 04.28.2013 @ 12:54 am

The ruby choker was weighty against the thin insubstantiality of her skin. The red of it, intense and bloody and gleaming. “Well?” She snapped. I looked down, at the clasp, and snapped it shut. She shook her dark hair out and surveyed her reflection. “It will do.” She said. The jewels at her throat glimmered, as bright as split suns but not nearly as warm. I nodded.

Posted By F On 04.27.2013 @ 11:25 am

there’s enough electricity in here to fry your brain and stop your heart

just sit in that metal chair and we’ll take care of the rest

your nerves jolt with static and your lungs will fizz with electric air you might even smell burnt flesh ( but that might just be an exaggeration )

whatever, i’m ready blue lights, night sky a new day starts with a death

and a new life starts with the end.

goodnight, my sweet, think not of the bodies you buried, but rather of your souls

where do we go when it all ends? tell me, tell me if you can

( see you in hell )

Posted By F On 04.27.2013 @ 2:49 am

you struck the pins and got a strike in two shots

i’m sure you cheated but that’s not what they saw they saw a hero in you, just because you could strike down some pins in some stroke of skill ( luck, i think luck )

the word is heavy on my tongue what did you have that i didn’t? and why would i want something as useless as a strike anyway?

would it keep my lights on, would it keep my tap running, would it bring a fullness to my stomach?

you had nothing but self-fulfillment you were nothing but a bum who was good with some pins

and i’m jealous that you found something ( it’s better than what i’ve got, which is a decade-old spite )

you were a tattered hero with no pennies to your name when i had everything and. nothing.

Posted By F On 04.26.2013 @ 1:29 am

I have never gone bowling. And it makes me wonder. Am I missing something? Is there hidden catharsis in the cluttered fall of pins? Is there a hole in my heart where a stone circle could fit? Is their epiphany in the endless roll of plastic on polished wood? I hope not- It has never appealed to me.

Posted By F On 04.25.2013 @ 1:18 pm

you planted seeds in my heart, watered them until they grew and burst from my lungs

they flowered with laughter with love with affection

but when winter came and the green leaves turned white, buried by the snow that you left behind

i could feel them wilting underneath my skin, veins clogged with empty soil

i know that you had to leave but you shouldn’t have

i know i’m selfish to ask for you to finish what you began so lovingly

cut off the stems don’t just leave them to wilt ( it gives them empty hope, you see )

Posted By F On 04.25.2013 @ 4:12 am

you told me i was your black queen even though i felt like nothing more than a pawn

you were my king, my silver throne, my reasons for living and breathing

they asked what i saw in you and i could not answer them

so please, allow me this sacrifice and pretend that you love me just this once

( i’ll be gone soon )

Posted By F On 04.24.2013 @ 12:03 am

it was always cozy because you paid for the ambience and the drinks were warm and we pretended that we were of high class and not just poor kids who wanted to catch up with their grades

i wanted to work in a coffeeshop because it seemed so lovely, away from the world, in a little bubble away from the rain

i didn’t see the customers or the angry orders just the ambience

coffee shops are too romanticized

they make you think that cafes are the churches for the damned artists or that they’re the comforts of home for the homeless wanderers or even just flocks for sulky teenagers and adults who think they’re still teenagers

i’m awake, i’m warm my pocket is empty of bills and i don’t want to leave this place.

Posted By F On 04.23.2013 @ 2:53 am

she grew up in shades of magenta

her barbie dolls were pink with their dresses and her skirts were pink, laced with ruffles

her lipstick was red, darker than sin, to hide her fear and replace it with confidence

her blood was red, darker than fear, as it ran across her skin and as it stained the blade that was his teeth

the man she fell in love with came in shades of the deepest blue he was a navy blue of the night sky, plucking out her lights one by one.

in the dark alleyway, her blood was black, her dress was torn, and her heels were broken her teeth were red

the next morning she was a stain on the cobblestones of the city.

Posted By F On 04.21.2013 @ 11:29 pm

I couldn’t remember anything from last night. I looked around me to see if I would find something that will lead me to recall anything at all. Maybe a hint as to why I was in this mysterious household. I spotted a magenta shirt stained with blood thrown carelessly on the floor. The man who introduced me to his friend yesterday had worn it. Shocked, I looked around me for the source of blood. There he was, lying on the sofa, his body completely dull and lifeless. Tears were rolling down my face as flashbacks moved across my mind like a set of pictures running so rapid that it appeared to be a horror film.

Posted By F On 04.21.2013 @ 4:52 pm

you are buried deep within the chambers of my heart, seeping through my veins and swimming through my bloodstream (swimming, not drowning because you will never drown in me )

i wish it were the opposite, that i could know you as you knew me, that you’d love me as i loved you

i deserve a burial you will never give me

Posted By F On 04.21.2013 @ 12:44 am

The dashboard was slick with blood. In the midday sun of the Arizona desert it was drying fast, leaving behind a gloss of carmine red like a woman’s lips. I was holding the gun so tightly that my hand was sweating, burning with the heat of the metal. And yet my forehead was quite dry. I had gone to the limits of humanity to feel something- anything- and I still couldn’t. I didn’t care. The body slumped in the passenger seat gave a whimper. I sighed.

Posted By F On 04.09.2013 @ 3:24 pm

I think it’s easier to think I am being punished that to accept that I am doing this to myself. I am the one digging the pit of despair. I am the one opening the cubicle door to an office in which I will work like a grunt ’till I die. But it’s easier to think it’s just a punishment, because then at least there’ll be forgiveness at the end.

Posted By F On 04.07.2013 @ 1:04 pm

We lived in a place like a painting. A house, tall and crooked and dark against the infinite blue of the sky. And all around was wheat, field after field of it, stretching off forever, cut only by the sparkling white of a river that ran past. We never did reach beyond it. We could never walk far enough.

Posted By F On 03.29.2013 @ 12:42 pm

When I used to think ‘calamity’ I used to think loud. Explosive. A red sky and a screaming mouth. Things have changed. Now, the word makes me think of coming home from school to be met with silence but for the strange, distant sound of running water. I remember footsteps, creaking stairs. The low groan as I pushed the bathroom door open. I remember pale pink bathwater. I remember a face soured by death, with lips bitterly twisted and strangely- I will always recall this- perfect makeup. Eyes shadowed with blue like a spring sky.

Posted By F On 03.25.2013 @ 11:54 am

There used to be a small, winged thing in my chest, and now it is gone. I feel heavy and grey and prone to destruction. A ball of fire and iron rests in the centre of my stone cold chest. Don’t you get it? You turned me frigid. You turn my anger in on me so that everyday is filled with fury at my own heavy mind.

Posted By F On 03.22.2013 @ 9:18 am

Beware the mundane. There is something out there that will make you feel alive and spending your life in an office cubicle is a poor substitute for that.

Posted By F On 03.20.2013 @ 12:10 pm

Oh my!

Posted By F On 03.20.2013 @ 6:28 am

The truth is unattainable. I’m sorry. But the truth is a stone and our mouths are ponds and all you can ever get from those are ripples.

Posted By F On 03.18.2013 @ 4:56 pm

Covert. Obscure. Things flutter behind the veil of my mind, swim amongst the silt at the bottom of my brain. Sometimes these thoughts stir. They send a shiver of unease down my spine but I put it down to the cold. They are invisible strings, revealing nothing and controlling all.

Posted By F On 03.16.2013 @ 11:19 am

I am me but I am also someone else because- here is a secret, hold it up to the light, so you can see- I am always changing. There is no me here at all. You cannot jump into the same river twice, you see? All I can know is that I am thinking. That is all I can know. There is no me, but there is me- and also someone else.

Posted By F On 03.08.2013 @ 11:20 am