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I think of those soda bottle rockets we made in fifth grade. We watched them explode on the blacktop in the days of overalls and tied sneakers and wispy hair. We each had our own side of the concrete. None of this mess.

Posted By jenna On 01.24.2011 @ 2:47 pm

This seems endless. I can not see beyond your lights and starriness. You seem endless. This vicious malicious cycle seems endless. I battle with myself in my car as I drive to the ocean screaming, shouting into myself about you torture my very being, destroy my very core. But then I see you in the blue hat with all the instruments and I really see you for all you are. And I think about how you are my boy. This unending empowering yet crushing mounting ripple inside of me. It is endless. I have found endless company in your shadows and disappearance. Where you end, I begin.

Posted By jenna On 01.20.2011 @ 4:24 pm

i love food, if i could i would make all kinds of food for a living. i wish that it was ok to be fat, because i would eat all different kinds of foods and get fat and not have a care in the world. i would like to make my own recipes and delicious treats, finding out what tastes go together and different flavors and spices. mixing sweet with savory and stuff that nobody would have ever though to put together. culniary school would be super cool.

Posted By jenna On 01.18.2011 @ 10:34 pm

I stare at the recipes that every one seems to follow. Did I forget the flour or the sugar? Did I somehow stray from the recipe of my life? Or did I never even receive my list of ingridents. I certainly have had no procedure. When will I learn to cook

Posted By jenna On 01.18.2011 @ 2:27 pm

I was never good at sports, the fields I stepped on to with dancing toes, the goals I daydreamed into. I was never loud enough or aggressive enough. But I thank sports because if it weren’t for my lack of coordination, I would have never found the stage.

Posted By jenna On 01.17.2011 @ 3:38 pm

It makes sense. It is time to drain out the murkiness. But I simply can not. I simply adore the murkiness, the madness, the instability. I simply adore you and there is nothing that I can physically drain to make you go away.

Posted By jenna On 01.16.2011 @ 5:57 pm

I would like a new edition of my life sometimes. I would like to see the font a bit more bolded, the vocabulary more exotic, the headlines blotched in red and grit. I would like to see my thoughts clearly mapped out in print. I would like to reread to understand and comprehend what is going on. I have stepped back into the old edition.

Posted By jenna On 01.15.2011 @ 2:53 pm

On a whim, I implanted this idea into my mind that I would wait for the someone. On a whim, I opened my notebook and started bawling. On a whim, I scribbled across the lines of clarity and ended up somewhere completely cluttered.

Posted By jenna On 01.15.2011 @ 2:47 pm

i think of myself in a loving nostalgic way. Driving around in my silver car feeling light enter through its square roof as I delved into heaps of lonely energy. IT was that day you walked past my car and I looked up and I was angry. Then seeing you and parking with you as you told me you were sorry. It was longing for something that wasn’t him and feeling so lost. IT was securing myself away from stress and into realms of emotion. Maybe they never really got me, in my tangents, in my slightly helter skelter path, but it was always me. I was always me.

Posted By jenna On 01.13.2011 @ 3:51 pm

I am awake. last time I checked. I want to awaken though very slowly and delicately and begin to clear away the mush in side of my veins. I want to cleanse, to awaken the good things, and put the sleepy sadness into its threadbare sheets.

Posted By jenna On 01.12.2011 @ 12:56 pm

The blotches on my jeans. of pen of sticking staining nonsense. The blotches over my heart. Of mini moments of sweeping hope, of pulled rugs, of all the etches that were too deep. You are just a blotch among the other blotches.

Posted By jenna On 01.11.2011 @ 3:51 pm

The very seams of me are ragged. From the pulling and pushing of your name in my mind. I know how terribly wrong it is, how I should give up, but your that doll, that ragged doll that you have had forever. It looks at you with golden glassy eyes and you are suddenly swept back in its simpleness, in its ability to be your friend. you are my ragged rag doll who I still hold on to for dear life.

Posted By jenna On 01.10.2011 @ 6:36 pm

I need support. Some one to hold my ankles straight and brush my hair before I go to bed. You have left me so wobbly. My weight keeps shifting from side to side, swaying me out of focus. You have left me unable to cope. Unable to receive.

Posted By jenna On 01.09.2011 @ 11:24 am

I am quite respectable looking for someone else quite respectable. Not filled with the hungry hazy horridness of you. No more grimy and grungy. No more secrets of alleyways and lurking haunting figures. Just something repsectable. Just milkshakes with two straws and tuxuedos and multiple forks and knives. Something neat. Something reliable.

Posted By jenna On 01.08.2011 @ 3:20 pm

For once I can’t think of anything to say. I can’t cluster any more of my stringing bouncing balloons. You fit perfectly in the most imperfect kind of perfect way. We sit in my mind on a wooden bench our hands perfectly intertwined, our hearts beating perfectly in tune, our feet perfectly overlapping. You sitting there so perfectly. That is how I see you. So perfectly. This whole thing me and you and all of our imperfections it is tough. The tough nail that sinks perfectly into my spine.

Posted By jenna On 01.07.2011 @ 3:43 pm

It is interesting the things I discover about myself all the time. Like how I don’t much like too much cream cheese or too much ketchup. Like how I have very little patience yet am extremely picky. Like how beneath my bedrock and molten core, you reappear, a new species every time, I rediscover.

Posted By jenna On 01.06.2011 @ 4:00 pm

I live in a world of fiction. I like it this way. I take my words and twist them into romance. I take everything you do. The blush on your cheeks, the way you hold your arm, and sit in my car as a piece of grand prose. You are my protaganist, my villian, my hero, my lovable nerd, my tradgey.

Posted By jenna On 01.05.2011 @ 6:22 pm

I notice the nature. the trees. the flowers. the sky and the clouds. i notice the different shapes and things that they can become and how beautiful it can be.

Posted By Jenna On 01.02.2011 @ 12:09 pm

You love the roundabout route. I have road signs, flashing lights, turn signals directing you. But you love the detour. Love the extra miles it takes to make it worth it.

Posted By jenna On 01.01.2011 @ 3:15 pm

the route we take to happiness, where is it? how do we find the beginning? when you wonder off course, how do you find the way again?

Posted By Jenna On 01.01.2011 @ 1:57 pm

a place i used to go to as a child but stopped because i liked buying my own books better. that way, if i really liked the book, i could keep it for myself and never let anyone see it. haven’t been to a library in a long time. . . .a very long time. . . well except the school library

Posted By Jenna On 01.01.2011 @ 7:11 am

My ends are split. I am split open. So raw and cold. Why are you still here? Where is the right? My head is split.

Posted By jenna On 12.30.2010 @ 9:37 pm

Its always been about wishing. i was wishing for that kiss. I was wishing for those words to enter into my hempisphere. I was wishing for us to calibrate and create and morph and spark. I was wishing her away. But wishing gets you so far. It gets you nostalgia and picked flowers and cries out to beams of starry light. Wishing gets you that one blissful hopeful moment where you transition into what should be. The hugs you should be holding, the Sundays you should be spending, the lamplights you should be swooning under. Wishing does not get you tangible anything. Wishing gets your heart going. Really going. But wishing really hurts.

Posted By jenna On 12.29.2010 @ 9:51 pm

I am lucky because I am fortunate. I have love, passions. Things are good. Being lucky isn’t about random chance. It’s something you create for yourself by surrounding yourself with the things and people you love.

Posted By Jenna On 12.28.2010 @ 7:28 am

I am lucky. I have so much. I have this great life and this great vivacity. Even though I have my awkward misgivings, my blemishes and bumps, I think I really couldn’t be luckier.

Posted By jenna On 12.27.2010 @ 3:31 pm

I am obvious? Because what is going on inside of me is obvious. Its been a year and its still obvious. You are the black against the gray, the patch of water, the elmination as been done and you are the obvious choice.

Posted By jenna On 12.26.2010 @ 9:19 am

i have a really retarded alter ego. i know it’s not schizophrenia. i only hope so. i tend to trip over my stupidness. but people like it. but i don’t like those people. but, hey, i’m fucking thirteen.

Posted By jenna On 12.23.2010 @ 10:48 pm

I could alter the past if I had a time machine, and believe me I would. I can’t help but regret all of the things I should have done. Unfortunately, this is not an option and the only alteration I can make is to my future.

Posted By Jenna On 12.23.2010 @ 2:28 pm

The life of an actress is all about rejection, rejuvenation, and self- confidence; but mostly rejection.

Posted By Jenna On 12.21.2010 @ 11:22 pm

Rejection is the clear saran wrap around me and you. You made it very simple. You didn’t want me and all my metallic mush. You held the hands. You dealt the rejection.

Posted By jenna On 12.21.2010 @ 8:41 pm