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I deserve to be treated better. I guess people must believe that I deserve to be let off softly, that I’m sensitive. I’ll admit, I’m sensitive, but I over analyze by such a large margin I’ll be hurt any way it goes. Plus, if you just stop things I’ll stop freaking out. So yeah, my relationships in a nutshell.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 12.05.2011 @ 11:08 pm

Some say NaNoWriMo ignores artistry. I don’t think this is true. This isn’t where I want to go with this.

Artistry can mean many things. The artistry required in matters of the heart is what I must learn now. This isn’t helping me now, but I’ll keep typing. I need to write a song.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 10.26.2011 @ 10:57 pm

Sinking. I am sinking into my nostalgia. Barcelona was such a high that now everything feels like shit. I guess that’s like hard drugs. Hm. Fun is highly addictive then I guess. I really hate what I’m writing right now but I’m in too much pain to care. I miss them.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 08.22.2011 @ 11:32 pm

I’m not an early riser. I guess I could be considered one to “rise to the occasion”. I don’t know. I don’t think I rise much. I excel and some thing, sure, but I don’t think I rise.

this is crappy and I’m sorry.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.10.2011 @ 1:22 pm

Today was the last time I saw my teachers for a while. My hard-exterior english teacher gave me a big hug and told me he’d miss having me in his class. I hope that means I’m getting an A. I’m glad I won’t be seeing another (regular) teacher for a while now……… although I will have teachers in Barcelona.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.09.2011 @ 4:09 pm

I learned two ways to say corner (for three different meanings) in spanish today. One was on my final, even though only the other one had been taught in class (I had a leg up because my dad taught me the other one). I feel like I’m stuck in a corner. My school is a corner. It is always the same. The situations are always the same. The people are always the same. Why can’t someone join me in my lone corner? Or pull me away a la “Dirty Dancing”?

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.08.2011 @ 7:33 pm

Who picks these words and where are they hiding in my room?

I’m forgetting him. I’m attempting to forget him. I’ll try my best.

It’s not working. I’m not good at forgetting. That’s what makes me so smart. I remember.

Him on the other hand, he’s good at forgetting. I mean, you must be to forget your crushes birthday in a matter of days.

Time for me to forget.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.07.2011 @ 3:28 pm

I painted my nails crackled last night. Cracked like my heart. I’m reminded of a song I liked (but hid from my friends) in the seventh grade. Potential Breakup Song by Aly and AJ. He forgot my birthday, that’s why. I’m not even sure he forgot. He just didn’t care.

Highly ironic, considering I saw him give a speech on how people need to care more. He’s the indifferent one.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.06.2011 @ 7:16 pm

Hmm. I saw a plaid skirt today. I would have bought it if it wasn’t so thick and itchy. I had plaid shorts in the sixth grade…… god were those a mistake! Plaid always seems to be a really good decision or a really shitty one. Depends on the particulars I guess. Ehh, not much to say about a style of fabric. Lines is all it is.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.05.2011 @ 11:01 pm

I saw a new chalkboard today. I see chalkboards daily (well, M-F) but I never realized that I never see a different one. It’s been the same chalkboards for years. Today I took the SAT at a nearby school. I saw a new chalkboard. There was nothing truly different about said chalkboard, but it stood out to me, just as he had. It isn’t often I’m around new things, I’m stuck in my bubble. When I see something (or someone) new it makes me think of the possibilities.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.04.2011 @ 3:09 pm

I hate the real radio. Terrestrial radio my mom calls it. I enjoy last.fm and such though. The real radio never seems to capture my feelings in the moment, like music is supposed to do. I’d rather play DJ myself.

With one exception. Gorilla radio. Lunch would be boring and unbearable without hearing perfect mood creating indie tunes while sitting at a green table in the sun with “friends”. School would suck without it.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.03.2011 @ 10:21 pm

I’ve never ridden in a limo. They seem fairly silly. Like, “we’re so cool we’re sitting in a really long car!” I don’t see the reasoning behind that. I’d rather walk hand in hand, or sit side by side, driving ourselves in whatever car happens to be ours. I’d rather be independent.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.02.2011 @ 2:01 pm

I’m almost done with mine. My backpack that is. After months of having it constantly at my side, physically pulling me down, it’s almost time for it to take a break. It’s strange that backpacks spend their time full of knowledge, like a holding pen for transfer into our minds. They play such an important role for being fabric.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 06.01.2011 @ 11:27 pm

A montage of memories. His breath on the back of my neck as he asked me a question and praised me for my efforts. The look he gave me when he realized he had a chance with me (his eyes brightened tremendously). Our talks. Our texts. Our facebook chats. Coming home to work on my poetry anthology and suddenly being told how wonderful I am by the sweetest boy on the planet. Then it stopped.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.31.2011 @ 7:47 pm

That is all I can do. Remembering is just like a form of torture. You can remember almost anything, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Remember how you could have hugged him more, or run off and kissed him? Well you didn’t! Remember how you could have not ruined your parents views of you? You could have stopped after one? Did you? Not at all!

Remembering is what I do best. I want to do things right before I have to remember my mistakes.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.30.2011 @ 8:24 pm

Sideburns. Hm, for once something completely unrelated to my feelings right now. That in itself is rather fitting. I think I’m in major denial about the happenings of the past few weeks, but I think while I’m still in school that’s a good thing. Back to the topic, this makes me think of Flight of the Concords. I’m not crying. That’s denial too, right? It’s funny how connections work.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.29.2011 @ 10:47 pm

Oh how I can relate to despair. I feel despair for myself most of all. I am forever alone. In everything. I have no partner for the history project, no friends, and no significant other. All I want is to be loved, or even lusted for, but no, I can’t be.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.28.2011 @ 5:17 pm

I take a bite of the mint chip cliff bar that’s been passed around. Each person is telling whether or not they think it tastes like toothpaste. I think it does. So does he. I think to myself, “At least we’ll have fresh breath for the aquarium”. I was wrong.

Though my breath was rather nice for the depressing car ride home.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.27.2011 @ 3:05 pm

A Klean Canteen. It reads “plastics are forever”. I sip from it as I see him for the first time. I sip from it as I see him for the last time. He sits next to me, we talk. He whispers a question in my right ear. He likes me, I can tell. He still has a chance with me, he said over lunch. He wants to be close. He flirts on facebook chat. Then he stops.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.26.2011 @ 11:24 pm

Carrying the Torch plays on my ipod. I dance around the room, thinking of you. I’m carrying you. You’re the torch, what has kept me alive over the past few months. Now that you’re wavering I don’t know what to do. I’m like an organism that has adapted to the new surroundings. I NEED the thought of you to get me through the day. I’m thoroughly addicted, and I can’t quit cold turkey.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.25.2011 @ 9:56 pm

A photobooth. In a conference room. There are some “funny” props. We could care less. We step in, sit side by side (quite close, but nothing’s too close for comfort) and we smile for the camera.

A restaurant. We sit in the red leather booth. You smile at me from across the table and tell me I’m beautiful.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.24.2011 @ 10:00 pm

Pretzels? The last image I remember of my Friday night. That’s what pretzels are to me today. I wish this weren’t the case. Now SHE is taking over another possibility. At least I have you. Right? Or do I? The suspense is twisting my heart into a pretzel, that’s what it is doing. Just stop before the sprinkling of salt, OK? I heard that stings the most.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.22.2011 @ 7:37 pm

He is the thief that stole my heart. I know I dreamed that he would take it from me, but he actually carried out the task. Sadly, the heart he has now stolen does not seem to be a prized possession to him. I sit on his shelf, gathering dust, and all I want is to be paid attention to.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.23.2011 @ 6:50 pm

Domestic. I don’t want to just be some stereotypical domestic housewife. I am breaking the mold. I’m the scientist, or the game designer, no matter my gender. Someone can like fashion and coding at the same time.

I don’t like being condescended upon. I don’t like what I am writing right now. Domestic abuse sucks.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.19.2011 @ 5:20 pm

Oh AP Chemistry. How glad I am to be finished with you. No longer do I have to worry about a mole of this reacting with a mole of that, or this many moles per kilogram. I couldn’t give less of a shit about molarity or molality right now. All I care about his him.

But next year, HE’LL be the one dealing with moles, and I’ll decide to step in and help him. Chemistry will always follow me.

We’re too dilute right now. Too many liters of solvent (air) to the two measly “atoms” of us. I wish we could “minimize the space between us” (as you said) and make our volumes significant (as the kinetic molecular theory says)……… sorry I’m such a nerd.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.18.2011 @ 7:28 pm

Tempted. Ahh, what an accurate word. I’m tempted to give up on my homework. I’m tempted to call him right now. I’m tempted to jump in the car right now and drive to him (unlicenced, mind you). I’m tempted to sleep for the next three weeks. I’m tempted to drink a handle of vodka. I’m tempted to care way too much. Scratch that, I already do.

I have the willpower of Lindsay Lohan’s nostrils.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.17.2011 @ 9:03 pm

Curiosity killed the cat they say. Well, I feel a little bit curious about that. I mean, was this theory tested? I’m certainly far too curious, even for not being a cat, and even if the theory is untested (I mean, animal testing is cruel, right?). I analyze everything. I wonder what he’s thinking now. I question his sincerity. Here I am curious about by my own curiosity. That seems problematic, is it not?

But what I want to know most of all…. is he curious about me?

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.16.2011 @ 8:48 pm

I don’t think you will ever be forgotten. You’re the first of so many things. The first one after him. The first one after that other him. The first one that was so sweet. We honestly feel so intertwined that you can’t be forgotten. When you appear in my dreams I remember them even from within dryspells. We have the same thoughts and ideas. We are melded, and could be used to win a game of gin.

Posted By Jessie Tea On 05.15.2011 @ 11:57 pm