Entries By Marissa
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Standing in the heat, I think about last fall. It was just this hot, but I wasn’t as experienced. I hadn’t had my heart broken twice, I hadn’t joined that really rad club, I hadn’t duked it out with my roommate during finals week, I hadn’t gone to that party where I didn’t remember the last twenty minutes. I smiled though. Most of those seem like really bad things, but they made me all the better. Looking back, I feel catapulted to the present, I feel like I can no longer live like that innocent girl who started off college with the flu. Now I’m stronger and wiser, and nobody can take that from me.Posted By Marissa On 05.20.2013 @ 6:17 pm
Even though I know there are loads more bad memories with him, my mind fights against them. The good ones pop up, like the one where we laid in my bed and he brushed my hair behind my ear, the one where he held me just like I wanted, the one where he told me a secret I keep to this day. It’s sickening and irritating, and I wish all the memories would dissolve in water like a wafer on the tongue of a sinner.Posted By Marissa On 05.23.2013 @ 10:35 am
I wasn’t ready to leave, and yet I knew everything good had to come to an end. I finally found my place after months of searching; I finally started feeling independent, comfortable, able. I had found plenty of shoulders that would support me without question and hands to pull me up when I fell. But it was all being ripped away for the time being. Next year, it’d come back but in a different form. Because life doesn’t stop for anybody, and people and places change no matter how much you want things to stay the same.Posted By Marissa On 05.15.2013 @ 9:46 am
That one stupid night tainted it all. Sometimes, it feels good to only care about yourself. Ignore friends, ignore messages, ignore the voices. So you go out, you do it for yourself, you drink the auburn colored alcohol, you dance until you forget it all, you fall asleep like a baby. But then you have to wake up and face all the shit you did before the night turned glassy. Never forget that part.
Never forget the people who matter.Posted By Marissa On 05.12.2013 @ 6:10 pm
I was past the grieving stage, past feeling sorry for a broken friendship. Now my mind was just trying to simplify things, pack everything into neat boxes, organize thoughts and feelings so that they didn’t pop up at inconvenient times. It wasn’t something I chose; it happened without thought. And while some people thought it was cold, unfeeling, emotionless–it was just another day in my life.Posted By Marissa On 05.08.2013 @ 6:34 pm
Everywhere, it clung to the wood, the dolls, the books, the clothes. I scrubbed away with tissues, a useless solvent to a vast problem. Two a.m. But I still reached for every corner, every cobweb, to remind the house that I wasn’t dead, that I wasn’t downgrading the rating of the room that rocked me to technicolor dreams before my innocence ripped off like a soggy band-aid.Posted By Marissa On 05.03.2013 @ 10:58 pm
He walks out of the science building, and I know it’s him right away. Hands in his pockets, head bent down. I try not to look, I try to walk past him, but he waves at me, and my sad smile stops me in my tracks. I keep making enemies left and right, it seems because I can’t keep my heart from screwing things up.Posted By Marissa On 04.30.2013 @ 11:01 am
I stumbled toward our lane, freely throwing the bowling ball toward the pins. I let out a howl, and everyone behind me broke into giggles. Tipsy bowling was the best idea we had all week. Then he walked in, but instead of feeling nervous and anxious, I smiled. Nothing was getting me down tonight. I screamed out his name, and as soon as his eyes found me, I held up my hand. Tonight was show and tell.
And my middle finger was on display.Posted By Marissa On 04.25.2013 @ 11:38 am
Walking past the planter, I saw you walking at me. The sun made my eyes squint, but you were still there, still closing the gap, as my eyes tried not to water from the sun or the fact that you hadn’t talked to me in almost a month. And then you were there, parallel to me, and I knew I had to look at you, so I did. You tried to smile, but it was awkward after what happened. And I tried to smile, but the look on my face only read, “What is there to do?”Posted By Marissa On 04.24.2013 @ 5:36 pm
And somehow, in front of these people, I was still defending you. You left me that night, you left me to walk myself out, walk myself home. And I defended your social inabilities, I said they had to really know you. I could have punched myself. But we’re through, so it doesn’t matter anyway. You used me like a pawn, so go ahead and say it.
Checkmate.Posted By Marissa On 04.23.2013 @ 11:34 am
I got the text when sitting in the cafe the next day. Coffee aided last night’s debauchery, in case you ever wondered what really happened. I got tipsy with some friends, went back to my room, and only wanted someone to sit with me. I wanted a friend, I wanted someone I knew, but you weren’t there, and you didn’t care why I texted you at one thirty in the morning. And that hurt more than the meaningless fooling around, it hurt more than your self-righteous claims. It meant you didn’t even care about our simple friendship. And to that, I say
fuck you.Posted By Marissa On 04.22.2013 @ 11:49 am
I wanted us to be like those misfits, the ones who have nothing in common but come together anyway. I wanted to run through a field, hand in hand, toward the sunrise. I wanted to watch the sun set near a campfire on a shitty, quiet beach. I wanted it all. But they weren’t there. And neither was I. So I burrowed down into my blankets and forced my eyes to shut.Posted By Marissa On 04.21.2013 @ 7:58 am
I step onto the metro as he stands on the concrete walkway. The big window separates our hands, and our fingers smudge the glass. The train shakes, and I know I’ll be meters away in a second. I hold onto a nearby pole as his figure shrinks behind me. I try to hold it together.
But then it all falls down.Posted By Marissa On 04.18.2013 @ 8:43 pm
I keep myself from falling down at the news by using the old couch as leverage. I stare into eyes that are glued to the ground. He’s trying not to cry, I know, and my stomach’s trying not to drop onto the floor. We’re stuck here in this lobby together. I could leave, I could do it, but somehow I can’t bring myself to leave him. The silence pours in, and I wish I could bound up the stairs to my room. But this is reality,
and reality sucks.Posted By Marissa On 04.16.2013 @ 10:54 am
Just hearing his voice again gives my stomach shivers, and I take my time rounding the corner. With us, it was always like geometry. I never understood the angles and the degrees or why it was even important in the first place. And that’s us. I still don’t comprehend why we still get thrown together and why we always screw things up. Maybe I should just give us up like ninth grade me dropping out of accelerated geometry.Posted By Marissa On 04.14.2013 @ 6:27 pm
I look over by accident and see him sitting all by himself. Last week when I made that mistake with him, he bragged about how many new friends he’s made. Like he was some fucking tree growing branches left and right, budding flowers and sweet fruit. Like he didn’t need me anymore and I was just there to be underneath him. I smile for his loneliness and look the other way.
We’re through.Posted By Marissa On 04.12.2013 @ 1:33 pm
She taps on the dashboard with excitement, and we jump out of the beat up rental. The sun’s only just rising out from underneath a rocky hill. Running, running. The hill’s no problem for our young legs. And finally at the top, with grass between our toes, there it is. The most astoundingly beautiful sunrise we’ve ever laid eyes on. I look over at them, my two best friends since the beginning of time. It’s the little things.
But there’s nothing little about that orange globe of flames keeping us warm until we die.Posted By Marissa On 04.09.2013 @ 1:23 pm
And it’s all I can do to walk through this hall once again. Last time, we walked together. Last time, I was walking toward something I thought we both wanted. But I know better now. Each time we screw up, I learn an entirely new lesson. My hand rises, holding a white paper with the tape ready to stick the message into his brain. My fingers run over the wooden door, making sure it stays. I smile at the three words before making a swift exit. I hope the phrase remains in his head for the next time.
Don’t flatter yourself.Posted By Marissa On 04.07.2013 @ 6:55 pm
I should have known. I should have remembered from last time. Last time, he consumed my thoughts every waking moment. I wanted to be with him when I wasn’t. I thought we were going to evolve into what I wanted. But we didn’t.
And now his figure lives in my brain every second that I’m not thinking about what I need to do to make it through another day. But I’m not as innocent this time. I’m not as stupid. The conversations weave through my mind like intersecting vines. I don’t want to think about him. But I do. Because I messed up once again, and it hurts like hell all over again.Posted By Marissa On 04.04.2013 @ 6:05 pm
I walked out of his room, trying to keep the tears from rolling. A faint smell of bagels emanated from one of the open doors in the hall. It was nearly midnight, and a small smile crept onto my face. But it left as soon as I forgot how to leave and thought about how he should have walked me out. Hell, he should have walked me back to my room. But we weren’t like that.
At least he wasn’t.Posted By Marissa On 04.03.2013 @ 11:23 am
I stared at the smudge my fingers had left on the train window. Fingers that were saying goodbye to the best friend I ever had. His teeth were so white, smiling at me, waving me off to a new land two thousand miles away.
My teeth were hidden behind a frown that desperately tried to wave off tears. Because I cared so much for him, and I knew it just wasn’t the same on the other side of the tracks.Posted By Marissa On 04.02.2013 @ 1:19 pm
We ran through a plaque of people making their way along the street. I watched the sand run alongside the pavement, and his hand squeezed mine as we rounded the corner and down a set of old wooden steps. The sand enveloped my feet, and I smiled into the salty air. We stopped right near the water, right near the sun. Without any clouds in the sky, our star felt so close that I could reach up and grab it. That’s how he always made me feel.
Like the impossible was within reach.Posted By Marissa On 03.30.2013 @ 6:03 pm
I always loved that water fountain–the one overflowing with coins, bronze and silver and gold. But I don’t love it as much anymore. That’s where the crying started. But not from my eyes.
His face tried to hide the hurt, tried to hide the surprise, but just like the water from the fountain, the water from his eyes poured down, down, down. And my mouth tried not to smile at how beautiful everything was–the sun reflecting off the water.
And the final slap that he had always deserved.Posted By Marissa On 03.28.2013 @ 12:26 pm
Standing under the streetlamp with snow falling into my already wet hair, I think back to those days when the light peaked over the hills until far past nine o’ clock. We parked near a field full of golden wheat and he opened the door for me and my stomach fluttered in way that I’m now too embarrassed to think about for too long. We stayed there until the stars made their appearance, and I thought it could never end.
And now, with the winter on its fourth month, I know the truth. Everything ends, just like the late nights and the warm breezes. It’s natural. At least that’s what I tell myself to get through another night.Posted By Marissa On 03.29.2013 @ 11:33 am
I smile as he walks away, a calm drizzle from before. I remember two years ago when he was like a fresh tornado, rolling right into my boring life. And I thought it was destiny, and I thought it was fate. But storms lift.
Storms are temporary.
And while he left me in the rain before, all I can do now is smile and think of all the memories–the good and the bad–that made an entire year flash before my eyes like lightning.Posted By Marissa On 03.27.2013 @ 5:32 pm
the wind whipped around her house. she looked out the window to see a colossal mess of flying debris. Cows, pigs, fence, and what was that? the mean lady from down the road on her bike. the wind twirled as fast as her mind spun. She squeezed her eyes shut to avoid the chaos.
When the dust had settled she opened her eyes. “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas any longer.”Posted By Marissa On 03.27.2013 @ 2:43 pm