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The bubonic plague was nothing, a simple bacterial infection that could have easily been cured if I were around.

That’s right, I could have stopped the damn thing. I have antibiotics in all my bodily fluids.

Okay, not really. I just know not to kill cats when there’s a fucking rodent outbreak in the cities.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 07.13.2011 @ 12:09 am

Somebody once told me that I needed to wear more maroon. Of course it was a woman. Only females know colors.

A man knows only the colors in the rainbow. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet.

Chicks know so many colors. Maybe if they didn’t, they’d have more room in their brains for things like driving.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 07.08.2011 @ 12:06 am

As i cast the line into the lake, I knew I was going to murder something. Just the premonition, the thought, the knowing that a fish was going to bite on it and I was going to reel it in and kill it.

Imagine my surprise when a mermaid hooked herself on it and I hat to follow through.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 07.06.2011 @ 11:15 pm

I was trying to think one day (tough, I know, for me at least). Anyway, I was trying to think of a certain phrase to use to brighten up Christmas.

Then, I suddenly realized. I don’t need a phrase.

What I need is a clause.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 01.04.2011 @ 8:24 pm

Oh thank the heavens and all below them for the death of the typewriter. It’s clunky interface, the permanence of its mark, those endless bottles of White-out, good riddance to them all!

Now I can sit and contemplate a blank screen, rather than a blank page. And you can’t compulsively check Facebook on a typewriter either…

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.18.2010 @ 1:21 pm

Dammit, thirty seconds have expired already. I have no idea what to write. Stick to it, I suppose, keep on typing, get something out there.

Otherwise, the entire world will know what a loser you are and how right your father is. You’ll never amount to anything.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.16.2010 @ 3:24 pm

“If loving Jesus is wrong, I don’t want to be right!” he said as he reloaded the shotgun.

“BANG!” The report echoed through the cubicles of the tech support department, and another IT guy was cut in two by buckshot.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.15.2010 @ 3:39 pm

Between the sheets, I’m a man. Mortal, fallible, easily frustrated.

But outside them, I am a God. Confident, overbearing at times, ready to kick some serious tail without even taking names.

Such is the curse of having such a small piece of manhood.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.14.2010 @ 1:29 pm

My mom was one of those peo­ple who just couldn’t ignore the Home Shop­ping Net­work. Didn’t mat­ter what was being offered, her credit card was always at the ready. She bought worth­less sports mem­o­ra­bilia from those over ener­gized idiots, fake jew­elry, didn’t matter.

And when some third world coun­try would offer new stamps of pop cul­ture trends just to make money, she was there.

Guess some peo­ple get themselves off in dif­fer­ent ways.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.13.2010 @ 1:34 pm

My mom was one of those people who just couldn’t ignore the Home Shopping Network. Didn’t matter what was being offered, her credit card was always at the ready. She bought shitty worthless sports memorabilia from those over energized idiots, fake jewelry, didn’t matter.

And when some third world country would offer new stamps of pop culture trends just to make money, she was there.

Guess some people have sex in different ways.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.13.2010 @ 1:29 pm

John never was one to mince words. All his life, if it went through his brain, it came out his mouth. By the time he was 16 he had a set of fake teeth in the front, a couple broken noses, and more stitches than I can count.

That is, until her learned to control his anger, temper it into something more refined.

Now he’s teaching kindergarten.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.12.2010 @ 11:33 am

Ever think there might be the possibility of combining two awesome deserts into one new, taste bud exploding megadesert? Yeah, I’m sure most every combination has been tried already, hence why Dairy Queen makes millions off Blizzards, but somewhere out there is an unheard of combination of pie and cake that nobody has discovered yet…

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.11.2010 @ 1:03 pm

The universe is immense, I’m sure, but as I have no way of visualizing it, it is only as big as I imagine.

I’m guessing about the size of an elephant. But without the smell. No, I’m sure the universe smells like a fresh-baked cookie. With a dash of paprika.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.10.2010 @ 1:11 pm

I don’t think there’s anything I fear more than a believer. Not talking about church-goers, so you can shut up right now. I’m talking about believers. Don’t matter the belief; all that matters is the intensity behind it.

For example, is a willingness to blow up a city any less because it’s for country rather than God?

Or is there anything taken off it because Robert once punched a guy because he disparaged Ben & Jerry’s ice cream?

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.09.2010 @ 2:17 pm

“Maybe I’m Amazed” was a great song. I just never knew it was Paul McCartney. It was one of those songs embedded in my head from childhood car rides with my mom, but never did I conjure it might be a Beatle singing it.

Then again, into puberty I thought Elton John used to be a Beatle. Billy Joel as well.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.08.2010 @ 12:25 pm

Why do we always think of the wil­low as a sad tree? Is it because its thin branches and plethora of leaves cause it to droop, sad and depressed? Is it because its name is com­posed of only soft, fem­i­nine sounds?

Per­haps we shouldn’t worry about it, and just stop anthro­po­mor­phiz­ing everything we come across.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.07.2010 @ 9:35 pm

Why do we always think of the willow as a sad tree? Is it because its thin branches and plethora of leaves cause it to droop, sad and depressed? Is it because its name is composed of only soft, feminine sounds?

Perhaps we shouldn’t worry about it, and just stop anthropomorphizing every fucking thing we come across.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.07.2010 @ 4:30 pm

My god, how I miss my teeth. Funny how you never take those little shards of extruding bone for granted until you don’t have them anymore. How I lost them doesn’t matter, nor is it interesting. No fight in a Peruvian cage match, no pulling out of them by Viet Cong torturers, they’re just gone.

which sucks when you have to rib somebody’s throat out and you have a denture plate.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.06.2010 @ 2:19 pm

I hate to admit it, but I am not an amazing writer. sure, you’ve been buying my books all these decades, trying to figure out what I saw in a deep philosophical way all these years, looking for meaning in your own lives. But in reality, I’m just pulling it out of my ass.

Posted By Sid McHenry On 12.05.2010 @ 2:51 pm