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You wanted to get me into cookies again. Do you remember when we were children, and the only thing you ever wanted from my house was the box of vanilla wafers? I remember watching you fight the dog for the crumbs on the floor. Remember seeing my mother walk in on us, me in the chair, peering down at you as you licked your fingers and dabbed up the little crumbles. I remember she wasn’t happy with me for egging you on, and I remember you wanted to start up the whole cookies thing again this summer – But I didn’t tell you I’m moving on. I’m an ice cream sandwich kind of gal now.

Posted By Thirteen On 05.23.2013 @ 9:46 am

I had a vague idea when I started today that I was going to be accruing stories to be telling the rest of the world for years. That I was going to become the cave painter, and leave my ideas behind the same way Hansel and Gretel left behind their breadcrumbs, for someone else to follow, for someone else to be curious about. Or maybe just for some bird to come by and eat, and then go home with a sever stomach ache wondering why pumpernickel always seems to do that to you…

Posted By Thirteen On 05.06.2013 @ 7:21 pm

This isn’t about abandonment or leaving me behind. This is not about the five stars peeled down to three. This isn’t even about the way you don’t look at me in the mornings anymore. It’s about the moments when you look through me because I’ve gone so easy in your eyes, so soft, so preciously invisible that you can’t possibly find me to pin the blue ribbon to my chest; the I choose you gets frozen in your throat because you can’t see me, can’t rate me your best, and then I’m gone, like the rest of your breath, expelled from a chest with no heart left over for me.

Posted By Thirteen On 05.04.2013 @ 8:56 am

this isn’t what i wanted to feel like this isnt what i had in mind when i said yes i wanted to have safety and caring not this control this exertion over me this bit of me ripped out and kept caged even though you say its for my own good my own safety even though you swear youre not trying to hurt me that this is just another aspect of love im beginning to squish into odd shapes and im falling apart and maybe this is the failing the failure for faith in others

Posted By Thirteen On 04.07.2013 @ 3:08 pm

youre a melody i didnt want to have to sing twice but i guess i can for the sake of the carbs because i remember how well i liked you before we were separated this whole distance thing just aint working out so dear donut without the sugar dear happiness sans cream cheese dear little round shigamajig that used to make my days so pleasing we’re breaking up im going gluten free

Posted By Thirteen On 04.04.2013 @ 9:47 am

I keep thinking that Kiera might not appreciate chocolate – because that was my first thought, that we’d get a bunch of Godiva and then sit together and chillax as we munched pizza and such. But there’s this whole gluten free thing, and apparently chocolate has wheat in it. So she’d get sick. And so instead I went to the second K in my life, (because you can always have too much chocolate and I’m approaching my limit) and used it as a bribe for Kiersten to keep her from being mad at me for too long.

Posted By Thirteen On 03.29.2013 @ 1:02 pm

I’m on the phone and I just want to talk with someone and this blasted music is just playing, and playing and suddenly there are lyrics and I can’t understand them. These songs… I can’t believe it. Still busy? How many people use Teavana’s service? How long am I going to have to hold? What IS this? What’s funny is that it’s not funny. What’s funnier is how easily ticked off I am. Tickled, my dad might say. I prefer pissed.

Posted By Thirteen On 03.14.2013 @ 12:56 pm

Sometimes I pretend to fall asleep, just to see if you’ll hold me when I twitch. It’s not because I don’t trust you, but the director who has been in charge of my life has messed with me often enough to make me wonder every once in a while just how much longer this will last. It’s like how you say I Love You whenever we talk, before we say goodbye. Because you want to hear it back, and need the affirmation. I just need your arms around me.

Posted By Thirteen On 03.12.2013 @ 6:52 pm

I want to find you and hold you, close, close, closer than I’ve held any story I ever told before because you’re not just a story anymore – you’re a legend, a little weaving of tiny tales of bits of words that maybe create something more and babe, I want to keep you close. Close, closer than anything has ever been to me, or my heart, I wanna be wrapped up in your stars even as you begin to realign and tell me the story of how we first met in some other time.

Posted By Thirteen On 03.11.2013 @ 7:09 pm

You’re the same woman who you used to be, all those years ago, and even that little girl, still, but all they see when they walk by is an old woman, now, one with hands that are as twisted as the roots of the tree outside your porch. You are still the same woman who you used to be, all those years ago, and still when these boys walk by, they throw taunts and they throw jeers, and they mime speaking, but you have had more years of practice not listening than they have had in loving with all their withered little hearts.

Posted By Thirteen On 03.10.2013 @ 4:25 pm

When you were crossing half the known world to find me, did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn’t want to be found? That maybe all this terrestrial space I’ve erected between us, this dirt and ice, these glaciers and these moments of silence that stretch on as far as the terrain that still carries the weight of moments between us – this might all be because I wanted to escape from you. That maybe, this is over, even maybe never began.

Posted By Thirteen On 03.09.2013 @ 7:16 pm

And then again, you’re here beside me, making me wish my also wasn’t such a limiting word. Making me wish that my also meant including you, not that I’m also going to be out of town, and I’m also going to be away for the next semester, and that also I don’t really much like your family, either. I was hoping that maybe we’d have an also in common, something to bond us over shared time, but that’s also out of the picture because all your alsos have also included the fact that you’ve got another girl in your heart and I’m just the current one in mind’s eye.

Posted By Thirteen On 03.08.2013 @ 4:50 pm

I’m coming back, and you’re coming with me – we’ll have returned like the fire in the breath of a dragon, melting the landscape. I’ve really just begun thinking about you again, and I’d apologize if you ever answered my emails to begin with. I’m thinking about reworking you into someone I could hate, because I never really was able to hate anyone in real life. So maybe if I fictionalize you just enough you’ll be the alter to that rule. My impetus for skipping bedtime.

Posted By Thirteen On 03.07.2013 @ 5:15 pm

I was so tired at the end of the 200 fly, but see, that’s not the thing that’s frustrating. It’s knowing that the 400 freelay was probably beaten because even when I was about to pass out, couldn’t feel my hands, couldn’t feel my face or hear anything, when I could barely see, stand or move, I told Jess that I was strong enough to compete. That I was going to be the rock for my team to lean on, and that it’s okay – I’m going to take this home, just watch me. I was in the race, until I was out of it. And by then, who remembers it anyway.

Posted By Thirteen On 02.17.2013 @ 5:01 pm

We aren’t made to recall what’s been past – just for reference, we’ve been here before, and there, and back there too. The bus driver, just pounding past while the outside rains down, down, down. You’d think that maybe we’d stop, ask directions, see where we are going, but no. We’re careening out of control, heading for somewhere else, someplace that we haven’t been yet, and that we won’t be able to fully appreciate until we’re too far gone in time, and the reference point comes up once again.

Posted By Thirteen On 01.07.2013 @ 8:11 am

There is not a definition possible to encapsulate what “Bad Decision” means. Nor is there one to tell people when you’ve made the best decision under the circumstances. I’d rather there was a word, just a phrase, maybe…enough to get it across – I did what I had to do. I’m sorry if I stepped on your toes, if you’re angry, if you’re sad/hurt/crushed. I’d like to know what’s up next, if it’s possible.

Posted By Thirteen On 10.07.2012 @ 10:17 am

I’m not okay with knowing that this isn’t exactly the way I would have liked things to turn out. It’s just that there are too many options. Too many…possibilities. And this isn’t sitting well with me. I want to know the lay of the land before I determine the shape of my thoughts to suit them. I want to know what I’m up against before I charge into the fray, and the possibilities are endless in this picture. I want to see things I’ve never seen before, and right now the hold out is catching up to me.

Posted By Thirteen On 10.06.2012 @ 11:41 am

I think that I need to get better at reading the signs of don’t get too close. Don’t touch. Don’t…like me. You need to stay away. Back off. Back out. Take the day to yourself. Get away – move away, don’t TOUCH. NO. I don’t think I’ve been doing so well, hearing the voices inside my fingers as they beg me to just participate. One little bit more. And the warnings…escape me.

Posted By Thirteen On 10.01.2012 @ 4:37 pm

This is a reminder – a PSA if you will – that you’ve got a duty to your country to go out there whether you know what you’re doing or not, and mess this system up. Vote. Say what you will, what you want, what people don’t need to hear. Go out and do it. Punch a hole, press a button, exercise your right to fuck shit up. This has been a PSA. Please play responsibly. Thank you.

Posted By Thirteen On 09.30.2012 @ 6:51 pm

I think that you’ve still a million more words to go, that these people you’ve been dreaming of becoming are still just shades to your endless imagination. I think that you have potential – gods, all the potential you have – but that you’re still afraid to stretch with it. Afraid of what others might think, or say. You’re not nearly as alive as you’d like to be, and I’ll blame the rest of humanity for messing up who you could – should be.

Posted By Thirteen On 09.23.2012 @ 8:12 am

I’m sick and miserable. Sometimes I think these words capture how I’m feeling, because right now people are what I’m lacking. I’m alone at home, and wanting people to be around. I’m just sick, blowing my nose and overdosing on cough drops. Looking outside as the rain falls down and wondering if I have enough energy to get up and go to dinner by myself… At least there will be people there…won’t there be? Hopefully. Maybe.

Posted By Thirteen On 09.22.2012 @ 2:04 pm

I don’t think that I’d see your face at something like this, and want to call out to you. I mean, I knew I’d see you. You’re the murderer, you’re the one on trial for your life, for taking someone else’s life… But I didn’t think that when you walked by me, down the rows in court to take the stand that I’d want to put my hands on your face and kiss your forehead. I didn’t know that a mother could still feel love for a child so deeply in the face of all the wrongs done. I didn’t realize, and I want you to know I still love you.

Posted By Thirteen On 09.21.2012 @ 6:41 pm

Stop thinking of all the things going on around you. Despite what you may think, despite your best efforts to the contrary – it’s done. It’s over. No need to worry about it anymore. It’s the past, dear, doll, silly. It’s all done and over with, and nothing you say, or do, or think, or feel will change it. So let’s move on past the past, and into the future. What do you say?

Posted By Thirteen On 09.18.2012 @ 5:20 pm

Don’t forget the messages you’ve sent me – the reminders in scars and skin of time spent together in a world we used to live in when we were one, not apart but whole like souls that knew what melding really meant. When you could close your eyes and I’d see darkness while you saw the path I tread so lightly – and told me, hey, dear, watch your feet; it’s getting trippy in here. Some once upon a time.

Posted By Thirteen On 09.17.2012 @ 4:27 pm

I want to be alive in my life. The way it feels to be alive the day we first met each other and stepped out on a limb. I wanna be alive for the rest of my life, for just a minute, or a year. I want to talk in rhymes and stylize the way I feel about you and me and the future we won’t reach. I wanna take a walk on the wild side and see what it feels like to flirt with death, because at the end of the days that we’ve got, there’s nothing else like no life to prove when we’re really alive.

Posted By Thirteen On 09.16.2012 @ 3:05 pm

One moment at a time, with hands outstretched, feeling your way down a hall that never ends because you can’t see the conclusion, like a book that never finished because someone stole the last ten pages. You’re like me, I think, and we’re partners in our mutual unknowing – except that you’re actually blind and I’m just willfully enjoying the exclusion of the senses, sitting out on the porch with my eyes closed, rocking in time to the heartbeat of the prairie.

Posted By Thirteen On 09.15.2012 @ 11:56 am

I’ve been telling stories over and over again, until I’ve begun to believe them. These stories kind of tie me to the past. And they aren’t always true. The binding effect though, it’s actually kind of like a blind fold effect, actually… This reconnecting effort, that just keeps you – me – from being able to look back on what’s happened in the recent past and remember the way it actually was. I just… I keep wanting to tie myself to a historical past that hasn’t actually belonged to me, because somehow or other, I assume that’s just better.

Posted By Thirteen On 09.10.2012 @ 12:37 pm

I’m hiding behind the music, inside the headphones again, walking the tracks, under the latest tracks and humming to myself. I feel the same way that singer does, and it makes me wonder if anyone else can hear the greatness and the sorrow. I tilt my head back the way they do in the movies, right before an orgasm, and I cry out loud, just the same way the train behind me does. I don’t hear it coming, I just feel it, under my feet, and I laugh, because this is what they don’t prepare you for in school.

Posted By Thirteen On 09.09.2012 @ 10:42 am

Just take a deep breath and try not to think too much. It’s thinking that gets you into trouble, darlings. You’re gonna want to slow down and hold your air in tight, like a deadlock, and hope with all your heart and head. That’s how we get things done around here. I’m not sure what you’d want in another world, but here, underwater, all we want is air. You’d do anything for it, and so you starve yourself instead. Oh, darlings. You’ve come into the wrong place to love yourselves.

Posted By Thirteen On 08.30.2012 @ 5:51 pm

I don’t want to be held captive any longer, the way the tiny baby birds are by their mother, kept cooped up in the nest while the rest of the world goes on outside. They can’t fly – they can’t unhide themselves, take pride in themselves on the wing just yet. Their mother has cast her net and kept them close, by forbidding freedom, and inhibiting the reaching of their hearts and minds. Don’t look to far away – you’ve got to keep yourself in, stay, stay – they hear her whisper every day.

Posted By Thirteen On 06.09.2012 @ 6:21 pm