Entries By asavas
Displaying 1 To 30 Of 36 Entries
mumbling
Mumbling my actions aloud. It’s a bit of a nervous habit I picked up. If I’m in a room with somebody and don’t have any real conversations to have with them (which is often), I’ll start narrating what I’m doing. “I’m just gonna type up the rest of this email…?” Complete with the upward shift in intonation.
Posted By asavas On 04.16.2013 @ 11:19 am
fabricated
Living a fabricated identity was a miserable rush of beige. At least now, I am true.
Posted By asavas On 04.01.2013 @ 11:13 pm
terrain
As far as the eye can see. Pockmarked, scarred terrain surrounds me– enclosed by invisible forces that drown me in sheer isolation.
Posted By asavas On 03.10.2013 @ 10:29 am
also
An afterthought.
I never really considered myself to be the typed of person who made plans, who said what they wanted to say in one concise statement. Always appendages, always the vestiges of thoughts that I tack on to the end.
Posted By asavas On 03.09.2013 @ 12:53 am
features
It’s a feeling I’m not entirely accustomed to. That desire I’ve never allowed myself to feel–the fantasy of my index finger tracing your features, exploring every contour and every inch of your body.
Posted By asavas On 01.31.2013 @ 2:36 pm
responsibility
Responsibility–a word hammered into my brain so completely that it seems to have almost lost meaning in how frequently it’s been projected onto my future. I may be a responsible person, but do I have any true responsibility?
Posted By asavas On 01.25.2013 @ 10:00 am
sweep
She sweeps the loose bits to the side of the desk. “Somebody REALLY needs to reorganize the place.” Before I can even open my mouth she asks–can she do it? Please? Please? She’s really good at it, she says. She’s O.C.D., apparently.
Is being neurotic supposed to give people the excuse to diagnose themselves with O.C.D.?
Posted By asavas On 01.16.2013 @ 10:27 pm
size
It’s hard to get an objective perspective on my size. I know it sounds strange or vague or mildly provocative, but there’s remained in me an inability to judge my stature. Average height be damned–I’ve felt the same in my body since the third grade. What does that say about me?
Posted By asavas On 01.15.2013 @ 11:19 am
amount
I wouldn’t consider it something that could be measured by quantifiable means or amounts. Rather it’s a bit elusive–a charge of some sort of energy that makes one do things they never thought they would do.
Posted By asavas On 01.02.2013 @ 12:24 pm
fire
I’m going to set the place on fire and not worry about how far it might spread. Let somebody else deal with it. Let my children worry about it. Let my grandchildren worry about it.
Posted By asavas On 12.26.2012 @ 8:35 am
game
I’m not one for video games anymore. Somehow just lost interest, deciding to devote my time to other trivial activities. If I were born years ago, perhaps I would have been forced to take piano lessons or go to Greek school. Instead… I played video games.
Posted By asavas On 12.18.2012 @ 3:42 pm
due
“Every bill comes due.”
Words of wisdom from a religion teacher, herself so volatile that we would never be able to tell if our brand of adolescent crass would drive her up the wall enough to swear at us or give us the bird. Asking her about her thoughts and opinions on sixteen year olds dry humping on a dance floor was enough to get her to go bonkers.
Posted By asavas On 12.16.2012 @ 5:26 pm
library
Hours in the library. Endless rows of stacks, books so old their pages are rotting–spines so rigid they crack and splinter at the first opening in decades. Learning is despair.
Posted By asavas On 11.25.2012 @ 10:55 am
late
Two hours late. By now I should have received a phone call, a knock at the door–an indication that something has gone horribly wrong…
Posted By asavas On 11.23.2012 @ 8:45 am
received
Something out of a dream, probably influenced by the idyllic families and suburbs of 1950s television. The box was pink, the bow was red. I’ll never know the contents of the box I received–some symbolic gift that promised a gift of obligation and devoid of thought.
Posted By asavas On 11.20.2012 @ 11:44 am
employees
As employees, sometimes you’re just treated like garbage because you’re wearing a uniform and a nametag. It can be dehumanizing at times. It pays the bills, but even the customers can get away with murder… No sense of courtesy because they use money to turn us into whores.
Posted By asavas On 11.15.2012 @ 7:47 pm
themselves
They can fend for themselves. We did, after all. Just looking at the example set by the last generation–they really prepared us well.
Posted By asavas On 11.09.2012 @ 7:29 am
possible
Possibility is a myth. I remember when I was a child and each of us was told that achieving anything we set our minds to was possible. Not only possible, but probable. Look where I am… I can’t afford possibility. I’m investing in stability instead.
Posted By asavas On 10.06.2012 @ 9:42 pm
walls
The walls are thin in my house. I hear everything that happens in the next room. Sometimes I press my ears against them, hoping to hear the sounds coming through them… And sometimes I wonder how much these walls have seen.
Posted By asavas On 10.04.2012 @ 12:58 pm
vote
Every vote counts. Bullshit. I am one person a state that will almost certainly side with the straight-laced white guy who vows to extinguish any progress towards accepting people like me. Three electoral votes to the guy who’s gonna lose anyway. Democracy!
Posted By asavas On 09.30.2012 @ 11:56 am
fawn
The more people fawn over me the more I feel like a fraud. Being touted as something above and beyond expectations makes meeting just the bare minimum feel very, very unsatisfying. Somebody please just be harshly critical with me. I’m no snowflake.
Posted By asavas On 09.29.2012 @ 2:59 pm
before
Before I told you, we could interact on the merits of… well, I dunno. Normal things. We made each other laugh, would share deep thoughts, generally enjoyed each other’s company. You are a friend… nothing more.
Posted By asavas On 09.24.2012 @ 9:16 pm
people
Eighteen rooms to a floor. Thirty floors in a building. Eight buildings in a row. I drive past them, and can’t even begin to think of the innumerable stories these people possess.
Posted By asavas On 09.22.2012 @ 5:16 pm
despite
Despite my awareness, I choose not to acknowledge the girl on the scooter. Upsetting her is not a priority of mine, and there isn’t much that I care about today anyway.
Posted By asavas On 09.19.2012 @ 1:09 am
binding
My declaration is so binding that I almost feel limited by it. A free man with no place free to go, as the lovely Neko Case once sang. How can a purely honest and beautiful thing make one feel like such a pariah?
Posted By asavas On 09.10.2012 @ 9:29 pm
miracle
By some miracle they swerved in time. It isn’t pleasant to reflect on the fact that you almost killed someone by your own stupid negligence. I think about it all the time.
Posted By asavas On 09.04.2012 @ 12:58 pm
covered
Covered completely by blankets and sheets, there was no way that an intruder would see me if he broke into my room. Clearly America’s Most Wanted did a number on my imagination, as any night that stirred in the house would cause me such horror that I would breathe out of a small hole that was in my impromptu fort of quilts.
Posted By asavas On 09.02.2012 @ 1:45 pm
darlings
Those darlings aged her beyond recognition. But I could tell that she was still happy, enjoying the company of the little ones that never let her have a moment’s rest. They’re older now, too. And at this point, imagining the two of them apart isn’t even a thought…
Posted By asavas On 08.30.2012 @ 9:49 pm
refuse
Somewhere out in the cosmic networks of time and dimension, my thirteen-year-old self is breathing a sigh of relief, knowing that I didn’t grow up to be a total wimp. I refused to hide, and refuse to apologize for who I am.
Posted By asavas On 08.27.2012 @ 10:55 pm
