Entries By haywirehay
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Sure. Whatever. Go on, knock yourself out.
Such an admission of contrition is what makes these iceballs melt.
Why do I even try? Where can your attitude come from, if not a place from passion? There is something in your eyes even as you look away. Don’t let her say what she means to say.
You have no focus. No drive, no desire. Lazy fool. Sure.
Let the timer tick on for no reason other than your own.Posted By haywirehay On 12.31.2012 @ 8:31 am
It is with a thunderous clash that I arrive onto the scene. Shaking hands, quaking hearts. They are in my head again, the voices, and it is all I can do to appease them.
How are you? I am well. I am FANTASTIC. I could NOT BE BETTER.
If you yell things in your head sometimes the echoes stay with you for a later, more private date.
And yet I see them shrinking away, even as I grow larger within my mind. I see you, I see them, I see me. There is nothing but ripped up shreds of confetti on the floor of your party heart.Posted By haywirehay On 10.15.2012 @ 6:51 am
Hello, old friend, how have you been, just fine, that’s good.
Crying on the inside.
There’s something about biting into the core of an apple that didn’t fall to far from the tree that makes me feel free. There is a world of refreshing “I Told You Sos” out there that we can only imagine.
Stand by me and you’ll see that there’s no other way.
Will you regret it? Probably. But you’ll be leafy green with envy,Posted By haywirehay On 10.11.2012 @ 6:23 am
“Cleverrr,” she drawled, four claws digging into the ceiling. “Clever girl. Clever, clever girl.”
Did she see what I did there? I tried not to look her in the eye. I hadn’t screamed for help, because I knew no more articulate way to say it than to weep.
She had caused so much pain in the span of an hour. There was no way to stop her, or to strike back. I could only watch as she scaled this tower and found no resistance in either my heart or my soul.
From the realm of this city, to the next one. From twin peaks, twin spires, twin towers, I would remember her.Posted By haywirehay On 09.11.2012 @ 12:39 pm
Did you ever wonder why they came for me?
What caused them to drive me down, to spit in my face, though I had done nothing but love you?
It is the way of the world. The law of equivalent exchange, we call it. You put yourself in this mess, and I came for you. I will lead you on the path to freedom, if you will have me.
Such a simple thing you would have to give up, too, my child, my dear, my only.
All I ask is for yourself.
“It is too much!” I cry, curled in the basement of this forever prison. “Without me, who do I have?”Posted By haywirehay On 08.30.2012 @ 9:18 am
Shiny glossy versions of me. Photoshopped beauty in plastic images. My face splayed, put on display, fodder for young girls more vulnerable than me. I see you paging through, I see you caging, caging yourself and wondering why you can’t be me.
I wish I could be me, too. You have no clue what I try to be I just wish you could see.Posted By haywirehay On 08.29.2012 @ 9:25 am
YOU WILL NEVER, he blared, with all the raging tenderness of a runaway freight train, EVER EVER BE ANYTHING WORTH LOOKING FOR.
I wondered quietly, can a search engine find love?
Churning on towards the great unknown. Towards a bus of children, who knows. Unknown. That’s what it is. But you are the great roadblock to this, to me, to where we are now.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER AND EVER. HALLELUJIAH, AMEN.
You spelled that wrong! She said to me, as I stood on the edge of infinity.Posted By haywirehay On 08.28.2012 @ 9:12 am
We are made of the same bits of junk. We are patched together with the spit of our fathers. We are melded, molded, not with care and precision but with the thought that we would fit in the bin better, this way.
It doesn’t add up, how entitled we feel, sometimes, and how easily our lives can be disposed.
Stop being human. Get used to living in fear. Make a change, if you want, but we all cash out in the end, anyways.
You are nothing. We are nothing. You are not anything.Posted By haywirehay On 08.26.2012 @ 9:33 pm
Your arm looped through mine, pulling me to you. I avert my eyes. We walk along the pier. Waves throw themselves against the rock, and I can’t help but wonder if I am much of the same.
Where were you when I needed you most? When the sirens wailed, when the lights dimmed, when everything fell to pieces and fell away? Somewhere on a craggy rock, you said, thinking about who you were and why you mattered.
Yes. Everything is about you. I would cast you into the sea but in your infinite glory you would find some way to turn it back around as spitting oil and erupt to the flame.Posted By haywirehay On 08.24.2012 @ 4:53 am
There were ripped up ticket stubs littered on the floor. She walked slowly through the event room after the hurricane had passed through, after the screaming people had left. After the flashbulbs dimmed.
He was at her side. They weren’t holding hands. There was already something connecting them, something quiet. The makeup had been scrubbed off her face. Her hair was limp, flat, no more hairspray. There was a bus waiting for them outside, to whisk them to the next nightmare, but for now the evening was their own.
“One day,” he said to her, “one day, I will give you this place in gold.”Posted By haywirehay On 08.20.2012 @ 8:20 am
Fingers laced together, connecting only at the tips. She leans forward, ever so slightly, eyes alert, latched onto me, waiting to strike.
She has been following me for some time, body taut, tensed, curved like a blade. I think she means to kill me, or at least slay me with her smile.
It’s nice to see her focused, like this, however. The last time we talked she was curled up on the bathroom floor.
It’s nice to see her living up to that new haircut of hers.
Nice to see that she’s in the zone.Posted By haywirehay On 08.15.2012 @ 1:46 pm
What is a want? Does it fly? Do you have to feed it? Does it whine at you, pull at you, cajole you?
Talent is a dangerous thing to have. Combined with ambition, it has been known to destroy people.
I would jump on a plane and head west or east for this want. I would pull myself apart for days and days, at the seems, paying no mind to the demons that fill me with fear.
A want is a dangerous thing. A dream, however, can be someone’s undoing.Posted By haywirehay On 08.15.2012 @ 4:00 am
Substances. Entrails of thought and being. I’m staring at this plate of food, and the cup full of drink. What is it about these things that we need?
She’s looking me over, with morning after eyes, even though it’s well into the evening. Eyeing me, with some regret, that sort of poignant disbelief that only the hopeful have, once their fears are dashed.
She is my heroine, everything I need to keep me alive and keep me sustained. I stab a piece of meat with my fork, scraping through to the plate.Posted By haywirehay On 08.09.2012 @ 4:56 am
“I dare you,” she said, “to jump off that cliff, spread your wings, and fly.”
Her words were first hilarity, now they drive me on as I soar and spit against the sky. What did you think would happen, witch? Did you think you would see me dashed to bits against the rocks far below? Did you think you would finally be rid of the one person who can see past the marble mask?
But here I am. There’s something that spikes through you, the adrenaline, of being told to do something you are not meant to do.Posted By haywirehay On 08.06.2012 @ 6:07 am
Hey. I haven’t been here in a while. Won’t you smile for me?
Sleek lenses, cool black cases. Iris rings and pulling focus. I smile back at you from the hidden area between the place where the light and the clouds meet. That’s where your focus is, instead of on me.
“But I loved you,” you said, but it’s too Negative, too Washed-Out for you to be able to do anything with me. If I were a bit of film, you would cut me out, cut me off. You would tango with me on the cutting room floor.
I see things in your future that you can only see through a 35mm lens.Posted By haywirehay On 08.03.2012 @ 7:26 am
What keeps me strong, and what stops me from falling? Faith is fact, they said, when I first grew up. Yet here I am and I can’t concentrate. They keep talking, and I’m afraid I’m going to falter.
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?
I guess I’ve never been somewhere that challenged me so completely. It’s like being a prisoner in your own house, and all the silver spoons are gone. If that makes sense. And if it doesn’t, then I guess I’ve just proved my own point to an extent, huh?
But there are only a few months left now to go, before the cards are up. And then we’ll see if it was a bluff, or a belief.Posted By haywirehay On 03.12.2012 @ 12:20 pm
She saw the light far off, like a beacon. I squinted against the fog, unsure if she was telling the truth or spinning one of her lies, again.
“Surely there can’t be something that bright, that far away from what we know!” I scoffed, but still she plunged on, no doubt promised by the feeling of soft, warm, forever-and-ever light.
Can I say that I blame her? We had found darkness for so many years. And here we were, at the cusp of everything.
WE ARE SOMETHING WE ARE SOMETHING WE ARE SOMETHING.
WE ARE HERE WE ARE HERE. CAST US NOT INTO THE FLAME.Posted By haywirehay On 03.02.2012 @ 7:06 am
Things sparked and snapped and came to life. I watched in awe as you threw the world into motion.
“Here was I,” I shouted against the squall, “thinking that it was done for, that we were finished! ”
You answered not in words, but in soft light. You answered by returning me to where I had been, and I walked to the fridge and took out a class of ice.
Something was missing, though. And I couldn’t quite place it. You watched me as I stood and waved away the fumes, but something was missing. I glanced down and realized I wasn’t wearing any shoes.
“What did you mean when you said I couldn’t come back?” I asked with a frown, and suddenly it all went dark again.Posted By haywirehay On 02.29.2012 @ 9:30 am
We stood there watching the video, just adding numbers to the total views. I had my head tilted slightly to the side, and she was grinning at me, waiting for some sort of reaction.
So there was a future for us after all, huh?
I could write something like that. It’d be odd, it’d be weird, but if it paid for my rent then I guess I’d have to owe it to the Claymation Gods. If those exist. I don’t think they do.
Just taking five minutes to myself, to be myself .. it makes me the closest thing to happy I had been in a while.
And I just wanted a pony, anyways.
BADUMDUM.Posted By haywirehay On 02.10.2012 @ 12:45 pm
Consequently, when I left that foreign place, I had the memory of an earthworm. And yet looking back, it could have been anything besides that.
Am I making much sense? I don’t know. I can see photos from an album, from a book where all the locals are less than I was.
I am not from this place. I am in the world but not of it. I see where I am now, and I have adapted, but worms. Worms are the ones that bend. I will not bend.
He sealed my adoption papers with a kiss. He can undo me, just as simply.
We are listening, we are waiting to be called home.Posted By haywirehay On 02.09.2012 @ 11:37 am
I left you on wings like spun sugar, not thinking of the sun and how hot it could beam.
“No!” I cried, “I will fly among the stars! And they will be like me, and we will be one!”
You watched me go sadly, you, you knowing what ugly thing I had come from. It was you who held my hand in the cocoon of discontent. You knew knew spring would turn to summer, which would turn to fall.
It was I who did not know of winter.
And still, you let me go – something I would blame you for, later, no doubt.
I flew on wings of spun sugar.Posted By haywirehay On 02.08.2012 @ 10:53 pm
So we put up the fences and patted the mortar down. I crawled into my little shell within the confines of everything.
Safe here. Untouchable here.
Alone, here ..
.. But alone I had chosen to be! There was a way to rise up, I’m sure. Some sort of riddle: “A girl, alone, with a ladder and a room with no walls. All she has are the pieces of a broken mind. How does she get out?”
She tears a hole in her heart, and climbs out that way. Climbs beyond it all.
Or she waits for someone to rescue her.
“Fair play,” I said to myself, to no one. “But you’ll have to catch me.”Posted By haywirehay On 02.07.2012 @ 4:50 pm
We were thrust from the trajectory, into some outer space path. I craned my head back and watched the stars as they unfolded in that unnatural way, and it made my head hurt. A lot. So I just closed my eyes and imagined it instead.
We were, as I had decided to recall, somewhere far beyond what now we were trying to be. Where gravity did not affect us and where we could be among the stars, among the souls.
But when I opened my eyes the show was done and the lights were up. Back we were pulled into the satellite dance that leaves us all alone, to planes, and a tearful farewell by the loading dock.Posted By haywirehay On 02.06.2012 @ 4:31 pm
With a snap, the shutter closed and I think she took an imprint of me forever. Plastic smile and dead, blank stare. That’s all she’ll have to remember of me.
“You should have given me a second!” I said in protest, but the brochures were already in the mail and it was time for me to sit back and watch the rest of my social life crumble to pieces.
UNINSPIRED. WORTHY OF NOTHING MORE THAN SNAP-PAPER AND BROKEN HEARTS.
The headlines were bold and loud and I knew I deserved them, but I could only think of what else I should have said, what I could have told her in the moment that wouldn’t have been just “cheese.”Posted By haywirehay On 02.05.2012 @ 8:19 pm
“You ready to go chief,” he asked with that smirk on his face.
I wasn’t, but I couldn’t say that, could I? We had to win. I couldn’t bear it, I couldn’t bear not seeing them smile at me, knowing that I had made everyone proud. And so I got my gear on, and I went to stand by the door.
“We go in, and we go in hard. Don’t be afraid of them. You hear me?”
“Don’t be afraid,” I repeated, in that soft, slightly-dead tone that meant I was lying.
“You piss out on me, you rabbit, you’ll never get this chance again.”
Even as he said it, I could see my gravestone.Posted By haywirehay On 02.03.2012 @ 8:49 pm
I think when she fell, it was with the sort of grace that leaves have. When she left, though, that was when things crashed and began to rot around me.
I can’t describe the sensation. I truly cannot begin to describe painted skies, the feeling of everything falling asleep, falling to slumber. The rain, the wind, the soaring, and inevitably, the ending. Nope. I have no words for that.
Oh, to have the taste of Summer again! But she is behind us, and it’s just me now. Me, with her, and then something else. Something else off in the future, and it is cold.
But perhaps that is just my own bleak outlook.
Maybe we’ll have one more day of sun ..Posted By haywirehay On 11.07.2011 @ 4:58 pm
She stared at me with that peculiar expression, the peculiar fire.
“You are an odd one,” I said cheerfully, pulling the Nihilists from under their rocks. “You stare and you care, but you try and die right along with them.”
The Nihilists did not fuss, did not become what I thought they would. But still her eyes were locked on, locked fast. Locked away?
“You worry too much, my dear. You have no choice but to watch me chase the secondary.”
“Yes,” she said, and I think I listened to her. “But when the sirens start screaming, you will have nowhere to run.”Posted By haywirehay On 11.06.2011 @ 4:48 pm
She sat there with her eyes closed, thinking about something. I watched from across the room. She has this way of biting her lip and tilting her head to the side as she’s thinking it over. I don’t know what she’s going to say, but I see the wheels turning in her brain.
They’re intricate wheels. Tiny spokes, and I wonder how I fit into her schemes, her thoughts of forever, of never, and then by the time she glances at the clock, I already know what the answer is going to be.
Just two letters. She won’t stay here with me. And she’s biting her lip and I want to do the same, to savage her and make it all go away.
Who knew?Posted By haywirehay On 11.02.2011 @ 11:34 am
Ha! There! An idea like a spark, but a spark sets off a fire, and a fire is doused by tears.
“Tears? Please. Puh-leeze. You are nothing but a loud, obnoxious fountain of nothing. Ideas, chance me not. You are not ideas.”
But the epiphany was real. I didn’t have to listen to you anymore. Your lies, your doubts, your fears. You live in the mirror, Other Me. Other, Louder, Meaner One. I will have nothing to do with you anymore.
“Ha! Look at you talk. You need me! I am you. We are one.”
We’re not. You are just the other me.
And that, was the epiphany.Posted By haywirehay On 11.01.2011 @ 8:38 pm
Look on ahead, with your arm erect. Waving me on, and forward. I’m coming!
What? Where did that come from, for you? Stopped and starting, heart departing.
Fresh trees and greens from all around us. Spying, trying and lying while you end what’s never started.
I’m sorry, did I ask for your input? Did I ask for your opinion?
You stand on a mountain and can see further, farther.
When in reality, it’s just a molehill like the rest.Posted By haywirehay On 10.14.2011 @ 5:54 pm