Entries By richpee
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Instead of writing about branch, I decided to draw a branch. I’m a branch drawing maniac. The results are on my tumblr. am I allowed to post the link? It took longer than a minute to draw. I hope I don’t get shot. Don’t worry; I’m a good oneword contributor. The link’s friendly.
link to richpee.tumblr.comPosted By richpee On 04.12.2013 @ 11:45 pm
Ted set down the crust of his bread and overlooked his breakfast bounty. The orange juice fresh-squeezed. The cereal freshly milked, and the grapefruit half freshly fleshed. The only thing missing was the cherries. But it would be weeks before the transport ship would bring them from Earth, and his oxygen would run out by then.Posted By richpee On 06.28.2012 @ 12:00 pm
Gerald pulled the lever on the generator and watched it crackle to life. The monster’s electrodes sputtered and sparked. Eyelids fluttered as the dead flesh reanimated. “I’d like a milkshake” it said. “Vanilla is fine.”
30 minutes later, Gerald returned from the Transylvania McDonald’s with a vanilla milkshake. He presented it to his creation. The monster removed the lid, raised the cup, and threw his head back, since it wasn’t well-attached.
The headless torso shrugged and poured the glop of milkshake down its esophagus and down the back of its neck.Posted By richpee On 02.28.2012 @ 11:47 pm
“OMG, it was epic!” Ashley said to her friends. “You should have been there. Tommy Masterson was walking into the lunchroom and he slipped on a puddle of gravy, his head hit the sneeze guard, he broke his nose and there was blood everywhere!”
Her pause was met with a chorus of “Ewww!” “That’s disgusting!” and “That’s gross!” from Tiffany, Shanna and Charlene, respectively as they ate their expensive imported Blutwurst sandwiches.Posted By richpee On 02.03.2012 @ 1:06 am
“Circle the wagons!” Billy Bob called the other boys to the center of the driveway, “there’s girls approaching!” The other boys pulled their little red wagons to circle around as Becky Bob and Sarah Bob passed by the crabapple tree at the corner. “You ain’t gonna get us with your girlie ways,” Billy Bob shrieked, “We’re protected!”
“Whatever you say,” Becky Bob laughed and spat tobacco juice at him. “But we’re still gonna take your money when ice cream truck gets here.”Posted By richpee On 02.01.2012 @ 11:56 pm
At odds with the Universe due to the Republican primaries, God thought He’d go on vacation to Tuscon. He found a nice little bed and breakfast at the foot of a mountain. On the first day, He had a nice continental breakfast (He loved the nice home made marmalade on rye toast) and spent the day skiing. On the second day, He visited an Indian reservation to learn of their culture. Fascinated, He stayed for a few days, but felt He was wearing out his welcome when He suggested the local shaman keep Kosher. On day five, He stopped by the Scientology headquarters downtown, and of course He spent day six laughing His heavenly ass off.
And of course, on the seventh day, He rested with a jug of tequila and a fruit acid facial.Posted By richpee On 01.29.2012 @ 11:33 pm
The function of a spoon is to get 20 servings, or rather one large jar of Nutella from the jar to my mouth. The function of my mouth is to enjoy the hell out of said nutella. The function of my digestive tract is to break down carbohydrates and fats, absorb nutrients, and try desperately to prevent the explosive sugar shits that will result from such a diet.Posted By richpee On 01.31.2012 @ 12:31 am
“How are we supposed to get into the cabin?” Rex asked Suze.
“I don’t know,” she replied coldly, “did you remember to bring the key?”
“No, I don’t have any pockets,” he said. She shot him an angry look. He continued, “…and neither do you. We’re bears.”
“Oh,” Suze replied, “in that case, we should just eat out of these garbage cans and maul some hikers.”Posted By richpee On 01.27.2012 @ 10:32 pm
“Ring around the collar” cried the woman who was a shill for a multinational laundry detergent conglomerate. Andrew stared at her in disbelief as his wife reached into her purse. Nobody was going to disrespect her prowess in the laundry room if she, and her brass knuckles, had anything to say about it.Posted By richpee On 01.27.2012 @ 1:09 am
My plans? I plan to go to bed. It’s freakin’ 4am. What do you expect? I have a big morning tomorrow. JFC dudes, I shoulda been in bed hours ago, but here you are, asking about my plans. I can’t take over the world tomorrow if I am sluggish of brain. Thank you and good night.Posted By richpee On 01.25.2012 @ 1:01 am
“My head has fallen off,” said H.E.R.M.A.N. the Robot. “Well, you stupid bag of bolts,” said Fred Rubinstein, his friend and inventor, “you shouldn’t have placed your screwdriver in your vertrebral hinge,”
“But that’s what you programmed me for, you brain-impeded meat sack!”Posted By richpee On 01.23.2012 @ 11:09 pm
Twelvefinger Billy tied off his horse in front of the saloon and pulled the accordion off the back of his horse. One purpose brought him into town today and he meant business. He slammed through the saloon doors with a clatter. Pointing a menacing finger at Dirk Dansworth at the bar, he boomed, “Dirk, this town ain’t big enough for the two of us!”
Dirk downed the remainder of his whiskey glass as a hush fell over the room. The gentle clunk as he placed the glass on the oak bar top echoed against the walls. As he got up to face Billy, his waxed moustache twitched. The townspeople knew what was coming next and they upturned every table, cowering behind, but to no avail. Dirk flipped his poncho aside to reveal his road-weathered five-string banjo. Ears were going to bleed in Hoedown Gulch tonight.Posted By richpee On 01.15.2012 @ 10:02 pm
Sitting on the bench, with two minutes left in the game, Alex was certain he would be able to bring his football team back from the 87-0 point deficit. “Coach! Put me in! Put me in!” Coach Howard thought about it for a second and called for a substitution. “Sure, you can play any position you like. What have we got to lose?”
“I’ll play goalie!”Posted By richpee On 01.14.2012 @ 7:44 pm
“It’s my birthday! It’s my birthday!” Brooke said to anyone who would listen. “Mr. Kitty cat, it’s my birthday!” Mr. doggie, it’s my birthday!” Mr. Rock under the tree, it’s my birthday! Mr. ” She had not decided not to go to work at the bakery, but she’d been caught up in the moment.
After seven hours of deranged ranting about her birth, the day she was born, the time of the day she was born, and how nobody could ever take that away from her, Mr. M’Djabi the mailman approached. He was the first actual human being she had encountered all day.
“It’s my birthday!” She squealed, throwing her hands up in the air. “That’s nice,” he smiled, “This envelope looks like it has a card in it.” “I knew it would come! It’s from my mommy!” She frantically tore open the envelope, reached into the card, grabbing its contents and threw the card away. In her hand was a crisp new one dollar bill.”
Mr. M’Djabi smiled and turned away. “Remember, don’t spend it all at once, it’ll be a year before you get another!”Posted By richpee On 01.13.2012 @ 9:54 pm
Josh flashed his sparkling smile as Jennifer threw the pewter engagement at him. It hit his front left incisor and cracked it. He continued to smile and said, “well, if that’s the case, how about a blowy and we’ll go our separate ways?”
Jennifer said, “If that’s what it will take for you to leave me alone, I guess it’ll be worth it.”
Josh smiled and pushed his half-eaten Grand Slam breakfast across the table. He leaned back and blissfully unzipped as she stepped seductively around the table, wrapping her fingers around the pepper spray in her purse…Posted By richpee On 01.11.2012 @ 11:37 pm
Oh, it may be a blander world where thoughts are controlled, speech is censored and people are not allowed to pursue their dreams. It is however, better for society in general if we are disallowed from being individuals. The more we conform, the better off we are. Blandness rules!Posted By richpee On 01.10.2012 @ 9:49 pm
Tony nibbled on a slice of grapefruit that looked a bit like van Gogh’s ear off his breakfast plate. He remarked to his cat, “Miz Tilly, I need you to understand something.” He grabbed one of the lillies that looked like van Gogh’s belly button from the vase in the middle of his breakfast table and chewed on it, spattering spittle and petal pieces as he continued. “Call me deeply closeted, but I ain’t gonna eat that link sausage.”Posted By richpee On 01.08.2012 @ 11:51 pm
I just read nearly three dozen quotes by Rick Santorum that reinforce the idea that he is a frothy mixture of … you know the rest. How can one man be so filled with ignorance and hatred? How can that same man nearly become the supreme ruler of the state of Iowa? Sadly, I have nothing pithy to say. Here are the quotes: link to bit.lyPosted By richpee On 01.06.2012 @ 10:49 pm
Timmy pulled on her apron. “Mommy! Mommy!” he said, “Me wants a cookie!” He looked up from the kitchen’s red onaxe tile floor.
Julia looked down at him in his bonnet and diaper and handed him a fine Cuban cigar and went back to cleaning the dishes.
“Mommy! Mommy!” he said, “Me needs a light!” She pulled out a solid gold Zippo™ lighter, squatted down and lit it for him.
“Mommy! Mommy –” “Listen, man,” Julia cut him off, “ye’ve got me for the hour, but if we ain’t had sex by the end of the hour, it’s still gonna cost you the thousand bucks. We clear?”Posted By richpee On 01.05.2012 @ 10:30 pm
Grundo the elephant packed his trunk and loaded it into his Corolla. He had two weeks before Winter Rehearsals for Ringling Bros’ next show and he was going to make the most of his vacation. Tearing down route one toward Key West, he stopped by a roadside shop on Key Largo and bought a peanut butter sandwich. “This crap is Jif!” he proclaimed angrily, “I’m a Skippy man,” as he toppled the display of toothpaste and condoms.
When he got to Key West a couple hours later, he parked on Duval Street with one wheel on the curb. “Seven tequila shots and make it snappy!” he told the man behind the bar at Margaritaville. Twelve minutes later, he stumbled onto the sidewalk and puked on a hippie before passing out in front of a pedicab.Posted By richpee On 01.03.2012 @ 11:52 pm
“Champagne,” Donny thought, “champagne will get me into her pants.” He poured a glass and she did not even acknowledge him. “Chocolate. That’s a real panty dropper,” he grinned. He slid a box of succulent Godiva dark chocolates across the table, which was getting crowded next to the flowers, the perfume and the diamond ring.
“Gosh darn it!” he exclaimed. “If I don’t get some good ol’ fashioned lovin’ by the end of this week, I’m returning this defective Real Doll™!”Posted By richpee On 01.03.2012 @ 12:17 am
There was not a glimmer of hope that Edge would achieve his dream of drinking the entire contents of lake Michigan through a didjeridoo. First, he lived in Toledo with his mother and didn’t have a car, second, he didn’t own a didjeridoo, but third and most obviously, the holes from multiple cheek piercings made it impossible for him to use a straw.Posted By richpee On 01.02.2012 @ 12:19 am
Estate sales for green boxes of sludge. Elbows knowledgeable of dead flowers are extremely flammable. Toast on a bucket of flambroles is a strange thing to say. Now estate sales are a nice place to go on the weekend if you have nothing better to do and like to buy the old underwear of dead aristocrats. Enjoy yourself.Posted By richpee On 01.01.2012 @ 1:01 am
“It’s water under the bridge, Tim” Andrew said. “Don’t worry about it. That whole sleeping with my wife and sabotaging my job promotion so you can get a raise? I can let it go. Wrecking my car and feeding chocolate to my dog till he hemorrhaged diarrhea all over my closet full of Armani suits? I totally forgive you.”
Andrew stared at him for a long time, seemingly waiting for a response. Tim just remained motionless. Eventually, Andrew’s discomfort moved him to begin shoveling wet soil onto Tim’s shallow grave.Posted By richpee On 12.30.2011 @ 5:14 pm
The space ship landed in the middle of the Mojave Desert. It was high noon and no human was around for miles. The landing ramp emerged from the portal on tne saucer’s underside. The cactus people from Aridor Prime were about to make first contact with their Terran counterparts, who were unfortunately drunk on Tequila and not very sentient.Posted By richpee On 12.30.2011 @ 8:24 am
“It was a hot day. The two figures marched on, dragging their feet. The noonday sun blazed down on them in the desert. Dehydrated, dirty, beaten down, the figures trudge onward. Onward they trudge. Trudge, trudge, tr—” Spencer stopped suddenly when Hank pushed him sharply with a hand to his chest.
“If you don’t shut the hell up,” Hank screamed through parched lips, “I’m going to beat you to death with this empty canteen!”Posted By richpee On 12.28.2011 @ 11:19 pm
My dog hass been making some really horrible smells since he got into the christmas desserts. He wolfed down half a dozen oatmeal cookies, cleaned the vanilla pudding bowl, and of course choked down a third of a pumpkin pie. I suspect he wasn’t so much hungry, but an aspiring expressionist painter.
I will contact the MoMA once he finishes his oevre, in an hour or two.Posted By richpee On 12.27.2011 @ 11:56 pm
The elders of the G’kand tribe stood around the tooji tree. Having finished their task, they laid their stone tools aside. It had been five generations since it had been a seedling, planted by fathers of fathers of fathers of fathers. Bag’ji sounded the flute to beckon the rest of the tribe where they could dance to celebrate this day.
In honor, as the throng of dozens arrived, they started beating their drums, the others stripped off their loin cloths to celebrate in the benevolent sunlight as they moved ecstatically to the music, their reverence focused on the carved likeness of Angelina Jolie.Posted By richpee On 12.26.2011 @ 9:54 pm