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Hector threw the horseshoe at the peg and failed. It He walked 40 feet, picked up the horseshoe again. He threw it toward the peg and failed again. His mother yelled out the farmhouse window, “Hector! If you’re going to do that, please take it off the horse, first!”

Hector gulped three more anabolic steroid capsules and did just that, taking out a migrating snow goose.

Posted By richpee On 06.24.2011 @ 8:55 pm

History has shown many things. Many, many things. Boy, it sure was a lot. You should look in books. There is history in there. You will learn things. (is my minute up yet?) Many, many, many, many. Things. I really don’t feel like doing this tonight. Does it show? See you tomorrow.

Posted By richpee On 06.23.2011 @ 7:55 pm

Writing everything about a word in the time constraint of one minute is totally intense.

It’s like the Kobayashi Maru when Captain Kirk had to cheat on in order to pass. Cheating is how he got his job, and I’m going to cheat too. I’m going to write for 63 seconds, whether I have anything to say or not. In fact, I have nothing to say, but I insist on stealing those 3 seconds. I win!

Posted By richpee On 06.22.2011 @ 7:02 pm

OK, so there are cells to contain people, cells that make people and cells made of people. I would suggest that of cells of people are collected all over, and I guess countries are the cells they are kept in.

Planets and stars then would merely be cells that make up tissue (solar systems) that form galaxies (organs) that comprise the Universe. Recently, astronomers and quantum physicists have been suggesting that there is more than one Universe. In fact, there are a whole mess of Universes. I guess that would be called a cell too, dad-gum it!

Posted By richpee On 06.21.2011 @ 9:39 pm

There is no possible way to predict whether my Mother In Law will be showing up at the doorstep for Dave’s birthday.” Kendra stirred a spoonful sugar into her tea and looked to Amy. The unearthly screech emanated from the front porch. She placed her spoon down and sipped. “But she has a way of making her presence known.”

Posted By richpee On 06.21.2011 @ 12:16 am

Crying, Helen held her guinea pig tight to her chest. They had been through so many adventures together: stealing lettuce from Ms. Widdup’s garden; putting flaming dog poo bags in the neighborhood grouch’s gas-driven lawnmower, blowing it up; making napalm out of hair spray and Silly Putty and blasting chipmunk nests.

But this last one got the better of Mr. Squeakles, the cherry bomb intended for an anthill had fallen to the ground and blown him across the street, smashing him against the Mrs. Widdup’s curb.

Helen cried out to Heaven, holding the lifeless body drenched in blood and tears, “Why God? Why Mr. Squeakles?!” The clouds parted. A lightning bold crashed down into the guinea pig, bringing him back to life. She welled up with unspeakable joy. She laughed. She swelled with unspeakable joy.

It was the second lightning bold that vaporized Helen as Mr. Squeakles munched on a dandelion.

Posted By richpee On 06.19.2011 @ 9:50 pm

It is my belief that all people who think they are wrong are more likely to be right than people who always think they are right.

In fact, I am absolutely certain of this.

Posted By richpee On 06.18.2011 @ 10:08 pm

I wonder what it is that makes people laugh? Is it the unexpected? Is it the desire to release a withheld impulse? Or do my jokes just make their tapeworms writhe in agony, causing tickling?

Posted By richpee On 06.17.2011 @ 8:24 pm

The photographer pointed to the people and yelled, “Smile!” He giggled and snapped the shot. He ran to the other side and yelled, “Smile!” another giggle and snap. “Oh yes, baby, yes, baby … that’s the stuff … make love to the camera! Make love to the camera!” Snap-snap-snap. Snap-snap-snap-snap.

Finally, Harry had to say something. “Listen, buddy, I don’t know who you are, or how you got into my mortuary, but if you don’t get away from my cadavers, I’ll throw a spleen at you!”

Posted By richpee On 06.16.2011 @ 6:49 pm

Sonia was late for her plane. She stopped to attach the rollers to her high heeled shoes and zipped in and out around the various travelers. She swelled with pride as she cruised by the moving walkway. She deftly got past the ticket counter and amused travelers let her go in front of them at the security area. “Take off your shoes,” said the security officer.

As Sonia took off her shoes, the TSA inspector saw they were out of the ordinary. She was asked to step into the radiation machine, to which she complied. When they found the box stuffed into her bra, (which happened to be an iPod), they pulled her off to the side for an “enhanced pat-down.”

Sundry minutes of groping later, she was allowed to go, but she had already missed her flight back to Washington DC, and thus, she missed the Supreme Court hearing on reinterpretation of the 4th Amendment.

Posted By richpee On 06.15.2011 @ 9:28 pm

“Take me to the nearest train station, fast!” Sharon stepped into the taxi cab. The driver pulled out, a block later, he stopped and said, “here we are.” Sharon handed him a ten dollar bill and stepped out of the car. She ran into the station, stood in line, bought a ticket, ran up to the platform, tore her ticket in half, ran back down to the curb and hailed a cab. “Take me to the nearest mental hospital, fast!”

The cab made a U-turn and went back one block. She handed the driver another 10 dollar bill and got out. She then crossed the street and hailed another cab from the long line that was waiting for her.

Posted By richpee On 06.14.2011 @ 6:32 pm

Jerry finally embraced his true nature and pulled his shoes off his cloven feet. He ran into the middle of the busy intersection at 9th and F Street with his pointed tail pulled through the front of his legs and waved it at the oncoming traffic, so it looked like an elongated, prehensile penis. Understandably, the ensuing gridlock brought two police cruisers rushing down the sidewalk.

Four officers came out and began to bludgeon the arch-demon from hell with nightsticks. One maced Jerry, causing a soul-curdling scream, and one of them kicked him in the eyeball, causing a volcano of invertebrates to spew from the socket.

“That does it,” said Jerry as he disappeared into flames, “all of you can go to Heaven for all I care.”

Posted By richpee On 06.13.2011 @ 10:42 pm

“O beloved slugs,” said the robin, “I wish you were in my gizzard already.” She pecked and gulped as quickly as he could. Then she flew up to her nest and vomited for her chicks. Everybody was overjoyed, except for the slugs.

Posted By richpee On 06.12.2011 @ 9:48 pm

The pall bearers couldn’t stop giggling as they carried the coffin out of the funeral home. As they crossed to the tiny hearse, they packed the box filled with the body into the back, and all six of them crowded into the front seat of the car and three whoopie cushions deployed. There was no way to keep the affair somber when it was the funeral for Binky the Clown.

Posted By richpee On 06.11.2011 @ 10:28 pm

The man at the front of the room cried, “Rise up, rise up to Heaven. Repent your evil ways! Repent your vile sins. The only way you can get to Paradise is through me! Give me your tithing, give me your $40 each, and you will perhaps — just perhaps — be washed of your wicked ways!”

“Jeez,” said Randy in the back of the room, “this Bible Belt traffic school is enough to make me never drift through a stop sign again.

Posted By richpee On 06.10.2011 @ 9:17 pm

Dr. Bachmann stepped into the middle of the rave, the students dancing on the quad with loud, rhythmic music and a couple had set up a couple of variable strobe lights. As a teacher of higher learning, he had charged himself with the task of making sure nobody underage was drinking alcohol at his Family Values Univerisity, so that they may have their minds clear for their schoolwork.

He was happy to state in the morning written report that there was no alcohol being consumed all evening. Not even the Kool-aid tasted of alcohol. In fact, he stated that the Kool-aid tasted of static electricity and abandon.

Posted By richpee On 06.10.2011 @ 12:01 am

“Take me to the corner store and buy me a thousand chocoalate bars, ” andy said the the Djinni who popped out of his lunchbox.”I don’t want to eat this broccoli sandwich my hippie mom packed me.”

The Djinni looked down and said, “You know, your mom wants what’s best for you, and broccoli is very healthy.”

“Then duh,” said Andy, “For my 72nd wish, I would like chocolate to have all the health benefits of broccoli.

He was so happy that for his third wish he decided to wish for 73 wishes.

Posted By richpee On 06.09.2011 @ 7:54 am

Am I forgetting something? Oh yes, it’s time to write something charming and clever. But I’m totally drawing a blank, so I will just chatter aimlessly And keep my fingers moving until something happens. I have to go to the bathroom. Nope, that wasn’t it. I have to walk the dog. Why doesn’t he have to go to the bathroom when he “goes to the bathroom?” Why doesn’t someone take me for a walk so I can make doody in the bushes? Word.

Posted By richpee On 06.07.2011 @ 8:32 pm

Cheri looked in the mirror and painted her eyebrows on. Then she painted her eyelashes, her ruby-red lips and her nose. She was determined to be the cutest clown in the show.

Continuing, she painted comically gargantuan nipples and a clownlike vagina. Mr. Fields, the owner of the circus, was at a loss for words when the comically naked Cheri chased ringmaster Carl into the tiger cage with a cream pie.

Posted By richpee On 06.06.2011 @ 11:32 pm

Edwin pulled down his plaid highwater pants and yelled at the football team. “You’re all a bunch of wimps and are only in this so you can grab each others’ butts in those tight pants!”

Then the stampede began, Edwin turned to run, but tripped face-first with his butt sticking up, and the Beefy Henderson the linebacker tripped, burying his face in Edwin’s nethers.

“Ha! I knew it!” yelled Edwin as his face got pounded beyond recognition.

Posted By richpee On 06.05.2011 @ 8:27 pm

Miss Jenkins peered at her students, throwing paper airplanes around and boys pulling pigtails. “Class! … CLASS!!!” she shrieked at the top of her lungs, “Look at the chalkboard!”

The class quieted down and eyes forward. She pointed with a yardstick, “See this diagram? This is the proper method of throwing a paper airplane. Also, always pull pigtails with your right hand, not your left!”

Posted By richpee On 06.04.2011 @ 9:10 pm

Dr. Spaztik shouted in the radio: “Mars, can you hear me? Come in Mars! Please respond!”

“Greetings, mortal,” said the bearded horseman as he crashed through the wall carrying an axe and shield, saying, “here I am. Can we start breaking heads now?”

“Dammit, not you!” Dr. Spaztik replied, “I wanted a bar of caramel, nougat and chocolate, gosh darn it!”

Posted By richpee On 06.04.2011 @ 1:05 am

Henry and Roberta had been discussing the prom for months. Roberta understood his tuxedo’s tie and cummerbund would match her purple gown, the stretch limo would have a hot tub, and dinner at the Cordon Bleu would be sensational.

In the end, Henry showed up wearing tuxedo print t-shirt in his dad’s Ford Festiva and took her to KFC, where he dropped a greasy chicken wing on her taffeta gown, leaving a v-shaped stain.

But she still put out under the bleachers. She was cool that way.

Posted By richpee On 06.03.2011 @ 12:40 am

The two hikers walked through the desert, the blazing sun looming over them like an overprotective 5,800ºK mother watching from 92 million miles away. Mary set down her backpack and said, “I’m parched; I must get a drink.”

Tony warned her, “That’s not water; that’s a mirage.”

Mary stooped down, scooped up a couple of hands full of sand and gulped it down. “Nope; this is actually water and it’s delicious.”

Tony stooped down next to her and scooped up some sand and fervently raised it to his lips. Their skeletons were found weeks later by hungry camels.

Posted By richpee On 06.01.2011 @ 8:07 pm

The students sat in the darkened room as their teach,er, Mr. Swenson, showed them a montage of rainforest people and animals being swept away in the clearing for the Brazilian power plant. Before class, they had been chattering abotu Senior prom, which band is great, which band sucks, and whether the prom queen had a big butt.

Seeing images of the indigenous people crying as they are forced from their land silenced the room. The lights went back on two minutes before the end of class. And Mr. Swenson asked if there were any questions. Timmy Myerson cut a loud fart, causing a ruckus and Shane Leary said that sounded like the band they’d hired for prom. Everyone laughed and Mr. Swenson could not get them to settle down before the bell rang.

Posted By richpee On 05.31.2011 @ 9:07 pm

I remember it well,” said Schmendrick. He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “The day we met at the ice cream social; our first date — a picnic by Regent’s Lake; the day I proposed to you by the Albert Einstein statue in Washington, DC. The sweet, sweet memories are making me feel…rather…frisky…”

He moved over to kiss her on the neck when Charlene put her hand to his lips and replied, “Mr. Funkelstein, would you mind? If you stop trying to kiss me, I’ll be finished changing your diaper a lot quicker.”

Posted By richpee On 05.30.2011 @ 10:10 pm

Georgette looked into the mirror in her purple taffeta gown, crying to her mother, “Why do I get a big pimple on the tip of my nose right before the big dance?” She cried, Her mother said, “that’s OK honey; we’ll put a little cover make up on it and nobody will notice.”

Georgette perked up a bit and said, “really? Will that work?”

“Of course,” replied her mother. “And we can apply an extra thick coat to cover your moustache and sideburns.”

Posted By richpee On 05.29.2011 @ 6:33 pm

Elvin sat, dejected, despairing of ever thinking of the right thing to say back to Grack Floansman, high school football hero and taunting bully. Grack had just stuffed him in a garbage can as a number of students looked on and guffawed.

“You…you….” Elvin fumed.

Grack sneered and poured a Pepsi into the can, to the approval of his henchmen.

“You — You — Your mama is so ugly,” Elvin screeched, causing a hush among the crowd, “monkeys won’t throw poo at her because they don’t want to get the poo dirty!” Grack froze. The crowd collectively gasped.

Tears welled up in Grack’s eyes, “Who told you?!” The crowd again laughed, but this time, it was at Grack, who ran into the boys’ room openly sobbing.

Posted By richpee On 05.28.2011 @ 11:36 pm

Fifi strained at her leash, barking and darting back and forth as Mrs. Farnsworth talked on her cell phone. The mint patch was so inviting to such a tiny Schnauzer. She rolled around, dislodging the pink bow on the hair on her forehead. Mrs. Farnsworth yanked the leash, snapping the neck of the poor dog. She picked up the body of Fifi, broke off some mint, and said into the phone, “Yes dear, I’m walking your dog … by the way, I’m making a special dinner for you tonight.”

Posted By richpee On 05.27.2011 @ 10:19 pm

Seth and Igal crawled along through the desert, one empty canteen between them. Their mouths were dry, their tear ducts dry. Then, suddenly, miraculously, it started to rain. “Praise the Lord,” cried Seth. “Yea and verily,” cried Igal, “G-d is certainly looking out for us!”

40 rainy days and 40 rainy nights later, their floating bloated corpses bumped against the wooden hull of an enormous ark.

Posted By richpee On 05.26.2011 @ 11:01 pm