Adriana.K.Maxwell
Focus is hard for me. Sometimes I get it, go beyond time and hunger and sound and sight. Nothing exists except what I am doing. I like hyperfocus, it feels good, complete, nothing wasted, nothing scattered. Other times, I feel underwater, everything muddled, having to push myself back through to the surface when all I want to do is float in the silence.
Bundle up now, hat scrunched over your ears, scarf wrapped round and round, frosting at your breath, shoulders hunched up to cover your ears again and double socks in tight boots.
Light flows gentle on the snow, the snow crackles under boots, wiping away the night crystals from windshields.
The hollow tree sits at the edge of the clearing, orange-red dot condemning it, but for now, a squirrel rests in a woodpecker-widened hole and mushroom scale its trunk, rising up from soft moss at its feet.
This year is different than expected, what hopes we get as we whirl around the sun. We mark it, by one sun-spin, I'll be different, I'll be better, I'll be new.
She spoke like I hadn't been there, I could feel all the itchiness of you-don't-belong, you-may-never-belong and I stepped back, relying on my mascara cage to keep my heart back so it wouldn't fall on the floor. I can't lose it again. Push it back down, cover it up with drawings, music, and poetry and Youtube videos I don't care about, just to keep it quiet, just to stop thinking and keep moving. It's near impossible to bury yourself and keep walking.
Daisy chain in meadows green, I sit pressing birthday daisies as I listen to a Chinese church service on Zoom as it is too cold to go out, in what a strange world we live in to be staring at summer flowers while snow blows around my balcony. Even the geese have finally left.
Sometimes the sadness trickles in and you thought you were fine, but it is wearing you, adding weight, corroding like copper
Be brave and courageous. Do not let fear control you. Even with legs shaking, still stand. This is the time. No matter your fear, for five more minutes, stand firm.
Swoop down, curving through the sky, swallows in flight, brushing the grass, then sliding back up, careening carefully and quickly
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