alecbeattie
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I was told by my doctor - a useless drunk - that I would have to adapt my lifestyle or I'd face an early grave. Naturally I told him I was too old and stuck to change my ways. He'd said fine, on your own head be it, but you'll be dead within the year. I asked him if I could have 2049.
We've got a new boy in to do the garden. His name is Brendan and he's nineteen, Best thing though is he likes to get his kit off when it gets too warm and by God I'd do him in a flash if he wasn't gay (so he said). Damn waste of good pork.
Back in the fifties when I was younger Marion Langland-Bell and I had a feud over that - as it turned out when I bedded him - useless creature Sir Martin Sneddon. Pity, as Marion and I used to such good friends, but I wanted his money. Marion got the chop and Sir Martin got me. I got his money when I divorced 'Mister Floppy'.
'One,' he said, 'contains the elixir of life, of eternal youth, strength, sexual prowess and beauty.'
'What's in the other one?' our hero asked.
The wizard eyed him warily. 'Two litres of my piss. Choose wisely.'
'I think I'll pass...'
'Drink my piss!' The wizard was becoming quite belligerent.
One of my greatest ambitions is to stage my own death. Just to see what happens. To see if people would really miss me. Or if they'd all be glad to see the back of me. Hhmm...
Fangs? Oh, I get it. It's the Hallowe'en connection. Just that you're a whole day late. Hallowe'en was yesterday. And stop bloody well commercialising it! I made a lantern out of a turnip - not a pumpkin - in protest.
'Life is an adventure,' he said.
'Yes,' Parkin replied, 'but you're the one with the gun and you don't have AIDS.'
'Yeah, well. Serves you right for having sex with a monkey.'
'Her name was Danielle and she wasn't a monkey. A bit hairy for a woman, granted.'
When he said he hadn't missed me I asked him what he did in jail to eleviate the lonliness. He said he'd been a bitch for a while but then he'd got a few for himself. I had no idea what he was talking about. I mean , they don't allow pets in jail.
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