annaise
me. i am temporarily in place waiting for a kickstart into gear, i am floating aimlessly with no traction in a vacuum, i am waiting, i am unstable, i am fearful of that prod in that unforeseeable direction, i am nervous and alive and alight with the flame of fear evoking tremors in my limbs that i did not know could feel so real, i am a cloud
the sinewy skin between his jagged shoulder blades expanded and i took my stethoscope away, my job complete. the diagnosis had been almost immediate, but i found more struggle than anything as i attempted to choke out the words:
lung cancer
terminal
as your flesh will continue to wither and your bones become frail, you will segue fluidly from this life to the next, toward the end, there is no looking back.
to have hands and thumbs and joints that move and are capable of holding onto things to keep them near to you, to take something in, to attach it to you, to encompass it, to bring it in, to be able to realize that it's not about what you're able to take in but what you're able to let go; the deep abyss. the sweet darkness. the unending void. the collaboration of light and matter. vibrational frequency. the fractal patterns. the vast expanse of nothing and everything
my body drained and fragile slumping into the corner of a barren room, waiting for the sweet release of slumber, my throat dry and cracking as i try to voice what's been plaguing the forefront of my brain -- i've been running for so long and trying not to think about how bad i fucking miss you but i do, i think about you still and it's been a while but you're lovely and i wish you thought of me
an instrument
a show
in the park
tation
with me
sports
checkers
production
manager
with your mind
with your heart
with your soul
small claims court
kate claims she can't depend on me for anything and i agree
this word brings back a lot of memories
my first twitter name was 'kateclaims'
claims.
ugh.
exclaims would be better.
a claim isn't verifiable
it doesn't sit right --
it's an account.
it's what you're being held accountable for
when you could just be being
instead of claiming at all
words are growing
more
and
more
ineffective
they arrange themselves quickly, not not quickly enough to conceal the initial response -- one of shock and delight, casually construed into a nonchalant smirk. i reach toward you and hesitate, my arm extended, fingers reaching for the secret revelation of your true reaction. i grasp and let it fall as the words escape your lips: "that's cool."
and now is the time in which i should go forth, towards my brothers and sisters and everything i've ever dreamed of, to happen all at once.
but instead i remain a pendulum
to and fro between the most shameful of lives
that i can't bring myself to escape.
i need you like i need fresh air
i need you like i need to breathe.
(tomorrow i will wake up and you will be a perfect dream)
i felt it
you were miles away, but with your every word i knew that there was some vibrant force behind it. just like that, as my eyes danced across the slender helvetica and bore into your soul, splayed out across my screens like a pit of flowers.
is it possible
am i capable
yes
i know i surely must be
but the chances of it happening
are slim
and fleeting
as quickly as the sun set
this evening
as i walked my old beagle
around this deadend
neighborhood
the rays slowly
fading through the
trees
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