bolton110

bolton110

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I have had wonderful moments where an epiphany occurred. It seriously does feel like a light bulb just flips on, and suddenly everything is perfect, makes sense, and you can see all around. However, I have also had moments that were terrible epiphanies.... the worst moments of my life were such.

I feel like my life is going along automatically... I mean, I understand that time is automatic, and I hate it for that reason, but I can feel my life just coasting sometimes. I still don't know what I want to do, but I feel I am always moving towards any specific goal. I want to somewhere, but I don't know if I want it to be automatic and straightforward.... I have always lived with strife, why stop now?

I can relate a lot of things to other things in my mind. Maybe that is how I learn so quickly? If I relate something to something else, though, will it necessarily make sense to you? My experiences are different, so I relate things differently. It is so confusing, but it kind of makes sense.

I have always wanted to visit a castle. I think it would be fun to race down the halls, or see just how old the world is by the bricks and structure. All this crap nowadays of making everything new and refurbishing the old angers me. Castles are old, leave them be!

Warfare in my mind. Why can I not get past these things? Why can I not battle through my conscious and do something spontaneous or fun, without getting attached? Why does talking to you feel like warfare, when all you want to do is be friends? ugh... time to end this battle, I have to go draw.

I am compassionate about things that present themselves to me abruptly and alter my life, whether shortly or for the long run. With French Horn, it changed who I was, and I loved the beauty I created with it. With guys, I love the way they touch and smell and feel and taste, and if they are amazing they really make me want to be a better person. With the damn parking permit I received today, I want to murder meter maids for being such assholes.

Spring is lovely time. I always feel amazing after the slumbering nature of winter, but don't really care for the oncoming heat of the summer. It gets bit muggy, but you get over that. The rebirth of life is almost annoying, as I am a pessimist by nature. But, I guess the love and pollen in the air make it unique enough to appreciate.

I try to take every step with conviction. Eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize. But no matter what, I think I about you. ...and I falter. What did I do wrong? Why do I feel so alone? Dear Lord, why can I not just enjoy the peace and quiet of a night with nothing to do; just pick up a book without wondering who you are with, or why he isn't me?

The setting of my story is the world. It is my oyster, and I am fully ready to make the most of everything I am given. I can't take anything granted, and I know I must work really hard to get what I deserve so that what I get is indeed what I deserve. Sometimes the world fucks me over, but that is life, eh? I would do nothing to change this setting.

I suppose I can keep acting like I don't care. I suppose I can keep trying my best and getting nowhere. I suppose I could just get by, and only get good enough grades and study hard enough to only get that A.... But, I also suppose that I could give up my damn vices and go for my education in a way that is even unreal to me. I can give it my damn all and do everything I possibly could to make myself so much better than even I imagined. I suppose I could just... try harder.

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writing since 2011 · 39 entries · 38 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Danny showed up.

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on this day 15 years ago

Danny wrote about near
“Near to me, you are. Close, and I can feel your skin touching mine. Oh, how I love it when we are near. It feels like the world could stop and nothing would really end for me because I would be cont…”

the words Danny reaches for

lovenowbettersupposesometimesthundercarehearthaterepeathoweversensewrongmeanwishalone