caitlin30
it's chilly outside and she's in her tiny socks and her first sweater and she watched him at the window as he shovels the snow off the driveway. when he finishes she meets him at the door with a glass of hot chocolate that has made a trail behind her all the way from the counter. she hands it to him as he takes off his mittens and he shrinks down beside her, kisses her on the forehead and says "thank you," as he takes a big sip. turns out she made it for him when he started the job so by now his hot chocolate was luke warm. and as he stands back up and walks to his chair she skates along beside him hanging onto his sleeve
my shoes still fit the same, my eye sight is just as it was, my jeans feel just as warm and tight. but as i think of myself I start to understand differently. I stand taller in my shoes, see clearer through my eyes, and see a new woman in those old jeans. I'm trying to change, trying to live again, I wish you understood, but then again, this is not for you to understand.
and i take your hand and it is dissolved all i stood for and believed in myself is wiped away wiped clean as it shall stay as i step away from your burden and your hurt and into my own dissolved of the life I once had
in a world of grays and browns in breaths filled with exhaustion and fear and a need to relieve the tension that's exactly what i find with you nothing's dull nothing hurts no unknown no loss for words no lack of heart where dancing is normal and laughs come easy never embarrassed never worried always better than the last always... friends.
you'd think i'd been punished. lost alone and worried about what they think of me. they think a lot apparently. and in a single conversation my love for someone could turn to confusion, disgust, fear. what does he think of me? flattered or repulsed that i should be the receiver of such a thing such an idea such a fantasy. who am i? my life surely is not real. surely i've made it up, was intoxicated, dreaming.
surely it's not up to me. surely it's not the three.
and we've done it finally maybe done it conjured up a plan for the ages a new way of living and of trying to be the same as before as friends as people as humans in this place so beautiful and quaint and real this place with the bench by the clock and the giving and the dreams. this place where we met, fell in love, and tore ourselves apart.
startled by the silence of it all by the immediate understanding that something had changed that the world was suddenly turning at a normal pace again life was continuing and i was finally a part of it. i was so startled to begin again.
here i am. moving, loving, leaving things behind. bolting into a new reality a new life a new love for all that surrounds me. i look forward and i hope. above all, i hope for any and everything that lies ahead of me. so so much lies ahead of me.
right now i am anything but stalled.
Isn't that just swell that grin that half truth that fear to just say you can't it's not the right time maybe later remember when we used to be friends we used to try to spend time together we used to be in love. I used to be in love. Where am I now? Who am I now? You have broken me. You promised to change to grow to learn from your mistakes. Did you? You've changed me, did we change you?
and then you realize out of nowhere that it's over all of a sudden it's all gone and used up and finished but you're not ready not prepared to give it all up did you do it all did you see everything did you live and love and feel everything you were supposed to? what now that everything's due?
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writing since 2011 · 150 entries · 150 days shown up
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