carmelakb
movies......
puzzled is kind of how i am everyday. on broad terms, or simple situations. i'd say im puzzled at why and how i got where i am today. definitely why more than how- and i will forever be puzzled about that because i will never get an answer. im puzzled as to why im sick, and can only answer put pieces together as each day goes by and another person or experience changes my life and the person i am. all i know is that it is a wasted emotion
i'm really determined. really is an understatement. i'm determined to do well in school, value my relationships, take advantage of the good things i have in life. because i know that in a second they can all dissapear. 'm determined to never give up and never say never, to always keep fighting no matter how hopefully i feel because i'm determined to be healthy again.
i wonder how people make a decision on how to approach something. a person, a situation, a relationship, a disease. deciding how to approach how to treat an illness is a huge thing. wrong approaches waste time, and some patients don't exactly have all the time in the world. some approaches fail, and you have to change the angle. some approaches succeed, and when they do, there is no better feeling- for the doctor and the patient.
the first thing i think of is how everyone wants to be wanted. what about the things you want, or wanted when you were younger? i always wanted to graduate high school, go to college and then be a doctor- pediatrician to be exact. i didn't get what i wanted. my mind changed, but so did my reality. i never wanted to be sick, and here i am. but i never necessarily wanted to be healthy either because i never expected there to be a day that i wouldn't be, i always thought it was something so easily maintained.
for the longest time i wanted leopard heels because i love leopard print. everyone knows that. i went shopping on black Friday and couldn't even find a pair. i was exhausted and in so much pain from all the walking around we did. i really noticed the difference between my abilities and the abilities of someone my age who is healthy. it sucks to feel like the downer because people just don't understand. but i finally got a pair for Christmas.
its often that my mind wanders into different worlds. into different times. i wander into times where im not sick. not from the past, but times in the future. i imagine them all the time. i wander into moments where i am happier than i have ever been, and its not solely because im healthy- its because i fought hard and defeated something that could have stolen my life from me. and i didnt allow it to.