distracted
Proof of my value. It's hard to come by some days. My boss is a sociopath and is running amok with everyone's self esteem. Kids don't provide any validation. They don't have it in them. Their job is to test the boundaries and resist the "no", not to say "oh, you are doing great with me!".
To be continued....
That's what his leaving always felt like. Like there was so much left undone, unsaid. It was always a cliffhanger. She never knew if he was coming back. She never knew if this time was the last time and she'd blown it by leaving something out.
What is my value? I have a hard time some days figuring it out. My work atmosphere is especially hard on my self esteem. What do I bring to the table? Not really sure anymore.
At home, I cook.
I do it best in the shower where no one can hear me. In my car too. I usually need a sad song to come on to have permission to start. I can turn it off on a dime, too. I don't give myself permission very often, but when it do it is heart-wrenching sobs.
Bag of bones. That's what my Mom was when she died. I never really visualized that saying until then. When the funeral home came and wheeled her out on a gurney, there was so little left of her. Tiny and frail and pale and not really there at all.
How can he console me when I am crying for the other man? My lover is dead. The one who sleeps beside me knows I am in pain, but has no idea I am crying for the loss of much more than a friend.
It's a family thing. Synonymous with stubborn, judgement, angry, controlling, and sad.
That is my problem. I constantly waver. I make a decision and it should be done, but it isn't. I wonder if I chose the right option...I wonder if I should have taken another path.