emily4alwayz

emily4alwayz

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The urge to run automatically kicked her heart into racing gear. Bailey shifted her sights to the skyline. Looking above the building and into the orange of the rising sun. It had been so long since she had felt warmth. Down the hatch she went. Hair whipping around in the harsh winds. Sand stinging her skin as it raced through the city streets, jumping into the tunnel below her. She wasn't sure when she would get the chance to see the sun again. It had been 246 days until today that the opportunity arose. She ducked her head as the latch above her locked into place. "That's what I get for choosing to live through this bullshit apocalypse" she mumbled, "should've ran when I felt the urge." The urge to run was always automatic, but she knew better. They always promised that she wouldn't survive an hour.

clamp

My mind clamps done on the hopes for later down the road. I dream of a house and a husband and a child. I dream of all these things. I hold down tight, but I'm loosing my grip. I can't find the next stepping stone to the solid rock at the end. The house on the hill seems so far away. I'm not sure where to turn or step or go.

Sometimes I'm miserable. Seeing you miserable made me hurt. Like a spear to the heart. I cried-for a moment. And then I was okay. I miss your friendship. I miss your hugs. I miss your smell. I miss your sideways laugh. I miss your sarcastic laugh...and then the squeaky laugh that follows if I get you laughing hard enough. But I don't miss being constantly miserable. I don't miss crying alone. I don't miss falling asleep cold. I don't miss the yelling and heartache-never feeling enough. Staying home alone...trusting that you really were working at 10 at night. Holding your hand, wondering, "is this okay to do?" Having my every move questioned, every text message supervised. Feeling trapped and isolated. Being consistently miserable. Sometimes Im still miserable. But only for a moment. Mostly, I'm happy. Please be happy, too.

Im no longer miserable. I smile, I laugh, I go out at night. I have friends over, sing the wrong words to the songs on the radio without judgement. Never before have I felt so free and so cared for all at the same time. You made me miserable. Now, Im alive.

orb

Stuck in this bubble. I look through the watery glass around me. I can hear laughter, I can see memories being made. I can participate in conversation, make logical decisions, even joke and laugh and dance and sing and live. Or what others think it living. I'm so tired. I walk around purposeless. Making money, spending money. Meeting people, saying goodbyes. Too nervous to open up, dying inside from keeping it in. I asking to take on his burden, thinking I had the tools to get through it...this battle is far more costly than I realized. This strange orb has engulfed every aspect of my life. Is this depression? Is this anxiety? Whats wrong with me?

orb

It glows defiantly in the distance. Dancing and shimmering. I stood in awe. Heard nothing, saw nothing else. Every sound, emotion, worry, memory-all of it gone as I became more and more entranced. All I knew was it was cold. That beautiful orb shone in the distance-and I was too far away to capture its glow.

loss

I lost you. Not just lost you, I twisted you up into a tiny little ball and threw you as far into the sea as I could. I hated the way you restrained me, contained me. How you enraged me, took advantage and deranged me. Drove me so crazy that I thought right was always wrong and I could never be right. Could never do enough. Could never be enough. How ridiculous that in the end, still it is I that feels at a loss. You pummeled through your emotions. Pounding back the alcohol and destroying box after box of cigarettes. Never allowing yourself to taste regret. I gently sorted my emotions. Like cleaning out old drawers: I sifted through the contents of my heart and soul one by one. Drawing them close to my heart, breathing them in, reliving the feelings and sights and sounds. Putting them down. Stepping away when the memories and smiles and loss came in waves. When I could no longer stand it-cramming it all together into a tight ball and hurling it towards the ocean's furthest horizon. But even the empty drawers are a memory. And I refuse to rush to fill them. They are much too precious to recklessly fill with such as memories of you. So day after day, I open the drawers of my heart where my memories are stored. Swallow the knife you placed in my throat and stare into their emptiness. Embracing the loss.

Drenched to my soul. You pour your words over me like sweet honey. Your hands trace rivulets down my thighs. Never before have I felt so refreshed. Every time I see you I blossom. From dying desert flower to dancing dandelion Making wishes in the wind.

You lured me in slowly. Your stormy surface beguiling your strong arms tightening your laugh dark and quick Your words like a whip stirring beneath the surface of the storm was a riptide ripping away my breath tying my hands and laughing at my lack of breath shooting arrows just for fun When the night was over Your witchcraft had won.

Im gonna break his heart. I hugged you, smiled at you, held your hand and kissed your cheek. Slept next to you. Took you to all your favorite places, filled your house with little touches of me. How you turned the chair, where you hung art you hated butI insisted you needed on the walls, showing you how to make sense of a grown up pantry. Encouraged you to get a dog, helped you pick out new bedding, redecorated your room.... knowing that eventually....I would break your heart. knowing we were never meant to be together. knowing we would never spend forever together...but hoping each happy moment would last. I took your hand and led you down Misguided Lane....and you followed me. I broke your heart.

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writing since 2011 · 52 entries · 42 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Em showed up.

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42days written

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on this day 10 years ago

Em wrote about delighted
“I was wrong. You were delighted. We are through. I am drunk. You are stubborn. We are through. I am selfish. You were delighted. We are through. I am hurting. You are neutral. W…”

the words Em reaches for

wordshearteyeslosthopemissmindsmilelovebelievedmemoriesremindedbelievewaitingheadsun