jules
I was no politician. I wasn't a scientist or a mathematician or anything that might make my opinion credited. I wasn't anyone smart or important yet I needed you to hear me properly; I needed you to believe my words. I wasn't sure how to make them more legitimate so I just repeated them over and over, my voice cracking because I was no public speaker either. 'I love you I love you I love you'.
They were deep in my bones, pushing me closer and closer to the edge of my skin. I felt like breaking, like breaking until my bones snapped out of my skin and dropped onto the ground like the fragile things they were, but you were there and looking at me, and you wouldn't have let me explode that way. You would hold on to me when my bones were breaking.
You were wrong. She was wrong. Everyone was wrong. I wasn't perfect, I couldn't do everything, I couldn't do this. Especially not this. I had overestimated my abilities just like everyone else and here I was, running away once again. You told me I could do it but you were wrong.
She understood me like no one else. Everyone else sent me weird looks across the lunch table when I talked about it but SHE understood. She understood me and what I was going through and right at that moment I saw exactly what I was feeling mirrored in her face which was moving closer and closer to my own.
I was sinking further and further under the tide of rumours, stares, whispers and emotions.
I had only seconds to write, to spill my guts to the waiting readers and seal my fate. They seemed to go slowly, just like I had all the time in the world when really I only had sixty seconds until my life changed forever.
I was like a sponge at the moment. Everyone's emotions seemed to be leaking into me, leaving me all filled up with no room for my own. I needed to find a way to ring myself out so I could feel again but everytime I did, more people would come and dip me in water again.
I took a furtive glance at the bottle that was being passed arounf the circle. Finally, it came to rest in my hands, considerably lighter than the last time I had held it. I took a mouthful and coughing, swallowed in down.
I was cross at her. I was cross at her. I didn't know why it was so hard to admit that but I was. I was sick of her annoyings quips and sarcastic words and I was just mad at having to live with her for the next six months.
I was sitting on the fence at first. Not sure what way I really wanted, no needed to go. It was the biggest choice of my life but right then it seemed to insignificant. Like my whole future didn't depend on the words I was about to say to the world.
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