katiecat699
i wish i had a mission. something to work towards and distract me from what's really there. i have nothing in my mind and everything in my life. i can't wait for rehersals to start. i'll take any part i'm offered, just to have something to do. it's no mission, but it's the best i can do right now.
last night, i was completely convinced i wanted to kill myself. of course, i didn't, and i don't want to right now. but last night i really really did. it's not fair i have to deal with this right now. i'm fourteen and i'm supposed to decide if i want to take an anti-depressant. i'm so incomplete i don't think it matters one way or another.
suddenly i knew what i could do. it somehow felt right despite the fact that it was inherently wrong. but it was so fascinating. could i do it? could i break the skin? as suddenly as the urge had come, i had succeeded. even today, i still have a pale scar.
it all changed without warning. i thought i had covered my tracks; gotten rid of all the evidence i could. little did i know what she would find in my desk drawer and where it would land me.
i'm driven to tell everyone, but at the same time i don't want to. it's as if my mind consists of two repelling magnets forced together. unable to decide on anything, simply fighting against the invevitable forever.
gleaming in the sun, it caught her attention at once. somehow, no one else seemed to notice it. she moved closer to the place on the sidewalk that seemed to sparkle and looked down. it was a coin. she picked it up, and put it in her pocket. "that's lucky," she thought.
my element is solitude. not parties, not cafeterias, not classrooms. more like the library, or my own home. i can be in my element when i have a piece of paper and a pen. that's really all i need.
tied down and tethered. a dog or a human. a piece of fabric or a mindset. either way, it is a prison.
writing since 2010 · 9 entries · 8 days shown up
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