loverlymadhatter

loverlymadhatter

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She smiled in the face of the wind. Her hair blew, and she was happy. The young girl breathed, arms open and dress billowing about her legs. She hadn't known that it would be this wonderful. This... this life. Existence. She had dreamed of it for millennia, but only now it had come to her.

I don't know whether I have succeeded or not. I told her. I told her everything. Flushed. Flushed right down to the pit of my soul. All of my feelings, I told her. I can't feel my heart beating. I'm holding my breath. I still don't know. I still don't know. I still don't know...

It lay across my lap, but I did not move it. It had not been touched in a number of years. I had never decided to begin to weave my tale. The pages were open, but they were empty. I had not written a word, not spun the thread. I needed to start again. The words could be pouring from my heart. They used to. I had to finish it. I had to pour my heart out. I had to keep weaving the thread in and out of the fabric of the world in which I had created.

Determination. It's something I'm pretty sure I don't have. I'm not determined. I just don't care. I don't want her anymore. She's not worth it. She's just not. I'm not determined to have her hand held in mine... to have her blue eyes look lovingly only to me. Nope. I'm not. I don't care. Determination is something I just don't have; especially not for her.

I am woman. I am strong. I can do all that the man can do. The man that tossed me into the trash. The man that took me for granted and threw me to the curb. I have as much strength as he. I have more. He cannot hurt me. I am woman. I am strong. He cannot hurt me.

plans

She said no. I had all of these plans... All of them. But she said no. I did it like it was supposed to be done. I got down on one knee. I pulled it out. The ring... it was so gorgeous. And she still said no. No. No. All of my plans. I repeat them over and over again in my head. No.

shape

Curves. That's all it was. Curves. I loved curves. The way she moved around, it was as if the ocean tides were pulling back and forth, back and forth at her. She was not controlling this body. A body given by a god. No, the earth was controlling it. She let go. It was the shape of life, the shape of the god-given curves, the shape of lust. I could not contain it. I never could.

Perhaps it was the way that she held it. Or maybe it was the way the light hit her face every time she moved. I didn't know, but she was beautiful. She was beautiful beyond belief. And that microphone... when she held it to her lips, it was like hell would freeze over. Everything else was no longer important. AIDS, earthquakes, Bono... nothing. She was the only thing. Only her and her microphone.

I wasn't there. I mean, I was, but I didn't feel like I was. I wasn't important. I didn't feel important. They walked by me, just walked by me. They're eyes were focused on one another's, glittering, giggly eyes. I just downcast my own, sad, dull eyes. Looked at me shoes. I was indistinct and unimportant, and I always was.

moon

I looked up and saw nothing but the glowing outline of the moon. It was a new moon that night, but I could still see where the moon was. It's outline was beautiful. I turned my head, reaching my hand out for something that wasn't there. The one that I loved, with all of my heart, was just an outline.

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writing since 2010 · 19 entries · 19 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Mady showed up.

2longest streak

19days written

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on this day 16 years ago

Mady wrote about eternally
“Forever and ever. Eternally we are bonded. That's what I told you, laced up in white, and you, opposite me in black. It was a lie, though. Eternity is a lie. I can't do it anymore. My life …”

the words Mady reaches for

eyescurvesmusiclovedfacehandanymorehearthairsmilehandsrememberlieoutlinemoonbeautiful