onaajiwan
As I marvel at the clouds, wondering about which ones you had seen the same as me, I thought about when we were good. It seemed such a long time ago that I lay my head upon your chest as we watched the clouds together. Not apart like we are now. It's not right. I can't breath. Suddenly I am crying.
I can't take it anymore.
The everlasting love that I have for you is beautiful. Crippling at times - but beautiful. I never wanted anything as bad as I want you. I need you to open your heart to me, just a little bit wider. I need to know what harmed you. I need to know so I can help you fight it. I just want to be the rock you grip when the waves get too heavy.
I take the stroll from the bus stop to my building, looking up at the skyscrapers surrounding me; I feel so insignificant. Who knew that I would still be here. The Twin Cities, holding me here with everything that's been weighing me down. It's time to release all that I've been gripping on to, all that's been dragging me down.
I look down at my mangled finger. The result of another drinking binge gone too far. I'm walking throughout my sisters apartment, finding trails of my own blood scattered throughout the living room. I wonder what happened. Another blackout. Why am I bleeding? Why is everyone so mad?
I've done it again, haven't I?
You love me more than I can love you. I want to give you all you deserve, but I'm lost. It's like I've been thrown into the deep end of the pool and I'm flailing trying to stay afloat.
I need a life preserver.
You're love just may be enough..
Just once, I want to be able to look at you and not give a shit about you. Ever since you walked out on me, three years ago, it has been harder everyday to think about you. I always see your face in my dreams. I feel your touch still upon me and the smell of the old hoodie you left behind haunts me everytime I see it.
Since you've left me, I've been striving to be a better person.
You came back, and you're exactly the same.
I've changed.
It's been three years, and since then, I have grown up and you have stayed the same.
Goodbye.
the deep winds blowing menacingly through the fall trees, catching leaves on their way through. i walk with my headphones on, ignoring crunching of the leaves that have made their way to the ground. i imagine every leaf is a memory of my past that i am growing stronger for having been through; crushing the painful memories that sting at my heart like a sore throat on a cold winter day. i am always yearning to move forward, away from it all.
i only want someone to stand by my side. to hold my hand and help me through this rough time. to tell me that what im doing now is right. to help me move past all the bullshit and really look towards a brighter future. when i look to my left and my right, all i see are the shadows of mistakes past that i will never forget. thats all i can get by my side.
The events of one night, 3 weeks and 4 days ago, have changed my life forever. I broke promises, I lied, I yelled, I threw a fit - all over nothing. I was taken over by my one and only weakness and destroyed everything I love because of one event that set me off.
The only fault is my own. I am weak.
Because of my weakness, my event will follow me forever.
If I were a shark, my sonar would be hooked on you. You have what I want. What I need. The only thing that I care to notice. You're the only thing on my radar. The little voice inside me that says, "Take him, he's the only one for you."
-Sonar-
I'll embrace it from here on out.
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