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Her two silver earrings were as long as my pinky finger, swinging above her shoulders like halos to a sitting devil and angel. She smiled at me with thin painted lips, motioning for me to lean closer to her. I smelled rosemary in her hair.
I was stuck in the airport on a two hair delay. Stuck between tired mothers with hyper children, and overweight men trying to sit still I could not fathom a worse place to be. Everything was so rush, rush, rush. Either going somewhere or returning somewhere, like this air I was breathing had only the purpose of filling space before a new destination.
I had never rebelled against her in my life. I was beyond scared of her, for I had heard what she did to other girls who refused her. I had always vowed to stay away from that. i thought I loved her. then one night we were sitting at the kitchen table and I told her I was done. I was leaving. She reached over the table, I thought she was going to touch my shoulder but instead her hand swung forward and she struck me, sending my crashing to the ground.
"Nobody leaves me"
I was always wondering. It hurt a lot though. Wondering if things would happen. It would make my chest tighten and neon pulse behind my eyes but the back of my skeleton was a magnet dragging me in reverse. "No, it doesn't work like that." But I was always wondering, hoping, and it has begun to scar me much deeper than I am willing to admit.
I have a single card, a single set of keys, and a single woman. I have a single goal and a single method. As one it is nothing but when paired with another is becomes an incredible creation.
While a single being is destructive to ones self, it takes two people to share the weight so only then it becomes bearable.
She was not a person people said no to. Declined is different from rejected but in very few ways when it comes to the emotional toll. Declined comes on a typed paper in a sealed envelope which you open with a hopeful and anxious anticipation. Rejected is a hasty text message sent at 3am because he couldn't look at your face as he admits something long overdue.
Mister please come and make me better, Mister that rusty crowbar you keep in the backyard garage if you could just pry open my rib cage I have forgotten what color my heart has turned. Mister don't worry about breaking bones, perfection is not a necessity I only want to be seen.
I was always interested in you. There is something about an interest that could be a cross between love and hate and you were the line lying between both. It was interest. Nothing more and frankly nothing less.
I had an interest in talking and reading and possibly you if you ever belonged in a category like that.
Nobody believes an adolescent.
I say I am in love, I am told I am too young to know what love is. I don't mention that this feeling is like taking a bullet for another person.
I say i am depressed. They say it is hormones and i don't know how hard life is yet. I don't mention that I have cried myself to sleep some nights because I want to kill myself but can't bring myself to do it.
Nobody believes an adolescent because they have forgotten their own past.
Cold nights. Bright lights. Cracking, sparking, melting.A sudden clap. A fuzzy face, blue eyes. Repressed memories, only images left. This was all she could remember.
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writing since 2013 · 31 entries · 30 days shown up
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