britstrain
She seldom thought of herself in terms of endearment, and yet as she stared at her reflection in the grand mirror in front of her, she found it difficult not to. Her face looked soft, and yet severe. A small smile played on her lips, contrasted by her high cheek bones and angry eyes. She looked powerful with her shoulders pushed back, and her hair tied away from her face. And instead of thinking of herself as an insignificant being, she saw herself as unstoppable.
She thinks often about killing herself. She'll be cleaning off tables at work and she imagines sliding a gun gently between her lips and pulling the trigger. She imagines the fantastic spray and her sagging limbs thereafter. She imagines a delicate blade pulling deep thick lines across her wrists, and watching her heart pump her dry. She imagines exploding lights before her eyes after finishing all of her prescribed pills at once. She knows she'll never experience these imaginings first hand; but she thinks of them often.
It was then that she was always at her most scattered. Her thoughts thrown across the room like cheap confetti, her emotions laid out like a drying towel. She had no chance to hide that which she always hoped to hold in for when left alone with them, she was scattered.
And I could never mention these thoughts to any of the people around me. Because while I told them I had missed them, and smiled as I said I was happy to be back, it was a facade. My mind was consumed with dread as I faced the reality that I was back. And this was my routine. And I was stuck in it. And it wasn't changing anytime soon.
They were always off by themselves. And no-one ever questioned, or stared, or wondered why this was so; for it had been since they were young that they remained alone. And so by themselves they stayed. With no-one else to disturb the tranquility they found in each-other.
The boat rocked back and forth, sloshing around the contents of my stomach in a fashion similar to that of the waves all around us. I lurched forward and laid down clutching my stomach. I mustn't vomit. We had no idea how long it would be until we were found. This was keeping me alive, this evil bile that sent me to my knees.