Emily9
Your eyes appeared sympathetic... they ripped their way into my soul. Your eyes, so deep, so blue, impaled me like steely, January icicles... a toxic blend of feeling sympathetic and nothing, or even hatred all at once melting... horrifically seeping, creeping through my veins. The pain and weight of that stare is heart breaking... bone shattering... The toxicity, excrutiatingly liquifying me... I absolutely cannot bare your sympathy...
I climbed the terrain with nibble feet, stumbling only over those obstacles that proved to high for only a moment. I must continue on this uneven terrain of life, growing ever more strong yet ever more weary. Preparing me for my next adventure.
I feel disfigured on the inside. Mentally... emotionally. I broke down once and it pushed you away. You saw the darkness and deformities within me and ran. I knew in that moment I needed to do the work, go the distance, to reform and be better for you, for me, for us. Your bond to me continued to grow weaker and weaker and I tried to work harder and harder. Things always get worse before they get better. All I asked you to do was just be there. To just hold my hand. To remind me that you were there and you were going to be there... I was going to do all of the work... I just wanted you to be by myside to hold me and love me through all of the good days and bad. You left... reaffirming the beliefs that had made my soul the mishapen thing that it is.. Despite all of the hard work I was going through... I was not even worth enough for you to stand by. Now I am back at square one... possibly even worse than before. I was going to get there, Nathaniel. Thank you for making me feel crazy, thank you for reaffirming how utterly worthless I believe myself to be, thank you for comparing me to your painful past... despite all of the love I gave you... All of the work I did to prove that I found you and us worth working and fighting and changing for. I still am going to get there... I need to prove to myself that I am worth it. I need to show you that you're an asshole and not worth as much as I previously thought.