nedyah828

nedyah828

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bland

I think of the many great transcendentalists who isolated themselves to feel the euphoria I practice being alone and I promise myself everything is beautiful I wait for my hopes to elate while I say goodbye and I think this is finally it lonely never felt so good

black tea holding onto death while biting your lip irrelevant whether you live or die you say goodnight

study

You tell me I have developed bad habits. You tell me I am not sick. Tell me the anorexia is long gone. You tell me I have developed the worst habits. But no, no, you say. You are not sick. You are more than the stars in the sky put together in a jar. I then say this. You do not know me. You cannot begin to study me like an exam and tell me what or how I am. You do not know me. You cannot tell the way my bones ache at night, you cannot tell me I am worth the sky. I am not your sky. I am my own. I bleed and cringe at the sight of you. You are not what you say you are. Justifying that I am seemingly dead already. I have to prove, prove, prove. If I don't show it, I must not be it. So you feel. Nightmarish reality now comes down from the altered states. I seem to wallow. It is up to you, you say. To be on your best. You can choose, you say. To be on your best, you say, is to control. I try to prove. prove. prove. I am not in control. I am the paint that you paint over vulgarities with. I am not the night sky. I am a mistake. This is a mistake, I say. You say, a mistake? How could you? I respond with the highest regards. of hatred. of dignity. of passion. How could I? I am not your mistake. I am mine. You groan. You say, You are not yours nor mine. You are the night sky. You are an extremity. An endless pool. Own it, you say. I have nothing to own! I scream. You come to me with no boundaries. No room to talk. Just to force. You force feed me to prove. prove. prove. That I am lost, lost for me. I am my disorder. I am not your extremity. I will sink to the bottom, bringing nothing in return. Only control, I say. You're next, I say. You're sick, you say. I become all the things I never wanted to be. Your night sky. Your endless pool. An extremity. Yours. Yours. Yours. It's too late, I say. Far gone never was an excuse.

body and blood. body and blood. I am the offering.

soar

I have seen many juliettes running from their romeo (remembrance) too many trees shedding their leaves in this falling world I am wistful; you are not lucid I think of the many planes that have disappeared; I think of you. your smile keeps me up in the clouds with them. So I can remember. How I felt, How I felt. soaring above me is the gates to your faith that I try to follow. My own is full of lies and trembling. (remembrance). I try to follow you, try to call to you. The lines ring clear of your voice each time. I am trembling. Calling out to you, you tell me I am lucid. Tell me not to call your name any longer. I always told you I wanted to be Juliette in the school play. You tell me no. I listen. Go along with everyone else until I say I am NOT lucid. I am far gone. No longer do I wish to be a part of your name. (remembrance) and when I arrive you ask me why I am out of breath, I say. velveteen as my heart, I am all too visible.

winter solstices mark one month: i'm tied to you baby through and through with it baby take me out on your crash course take me out just buying time take me out to fill the void take me out every night of your life i'm trying baby crying and crying for you baby kill me euphoria take me out during trying times i'll be there everytime you decide to try we'll mend eventually (x2)

i still love you when you're high/ as you dry my eyes/ I am burning for you/ i want to kiss you with our eyes open/ eyes open/ our hearts only meant it x3/ lips touched once and never again

a working list of things i want to share with you sits by my bed you were the first person to touch me i still feel you in my dreams i think about kissing you on new years the lipstick stains, flushed cheeks i think about your smiling eyes as you dry mine i feel restless. requiem plays in the backround and i start to feel empty again, a new year, a new day starting out whole and ending emptier and emptier you were never mine and most importantly i was never yours

doubt

Sometimes i lay in bed all day and wonder what it would be like to die. Sometimes i stay out all night and wonder why i'd want anything else but to live. Sometimes i doubt your motives, but more often than not i doubt mine.

Staying up talking to you made me realize my worth made me cling to an idea rather than a moment- kept me going for days. Im more thankful for the stars now, but i cry every night when i see them, because it reminds me of who i used to be. She always reminded me: you are made from the same matter as the stars, so infite and spare all at once: You are never weak. For days i tried to make sense of distance, Asked myself whether knowing someone was really knowing them at all. Prayed to the moon's far side that three years wasn't too long. I didn't find an answer, but i started to find hope in the little things. I left a lot of things unsaid, but more things spoke clear over time. Communication and balance came with long walks and swimming in the creek. I always knew it was key, i never told you. I have a new perspective on summer now, how always oppurtunities strike when the asphalt is burning: my brain does too. It makes sense of things for you. Makes sense of them for me.

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writing since 2013 · 47 entries · 42 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Hayden showed up.

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42days written

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on this day 13 years ago

Hayden wrote about canopy
“as a child i was overcome by guilt i found myself laying in bed more often under a canopy of my thoughts, i almost wasted away. these days, i found myself confusing dreams with reality neithe…”

the words Hayden reaches for

nownighteyesprovefarskyhappyfunbestbedsometimeslostsummercryingbloodschool