phantasmagoria
Turn like a key,
like a cog,
like the burnished apples when you plucked them
when you spit the seeds into the front lawn
and bled your smoke from your nostrils,
I would've loved you forever then,
loved you like a wire in a socket,
sexual and useless,
but god I would've loved you.
Click.
The door swung wide, and she stared into the gloom, her candle barely seeming to reach anywhere at all. Her toes were cold against the hardwood, her nightgown seemed thin and useless when faced with the blackness of the room beyond. A roaring silence seeped out.
She wanted to throw away the key.
Her eyes are all flashes and sparks, and he knows what she is thinking. Yes, he knows, he has to know, because he has always known before and so he must know now. She is bleeding out through those eyes, those violet eyes, and he hates what he knows is coming.
His body bent at a ninty-degree angle, and then he straightened once more. It was near impossible to keep from kissing him.
"I've missed you, madam, if it's not too forward of me to say so." His smile was mischief and mayhem and it rattled her heart.
The laundry, warm, soft, smelling of the dryer still. I burrow deep under the shirts and pants and socks and napkins, savoring the vestiges of heat like a cat in a patch of sun. I should be folding, but this is too safe, too cozy. for now, I'll just lie still and compare my situation to that of an infant in the womb.
Burning. In my throat. Choking me. I don't want to tell you this, but I have to. If I swallow these words, it will kill me. Strike me dead in my sleep.
"I don't love you any more."
And now that I have said it, I'm afraid the truth will kill me too.
The green water is up to my ankles as I turn to call you in. The water is fine. The trees are edging the pond with shade, but the sun beats down, humid and smothering. Come join me, won't you please.
They were grey, gloomy, colder than outside, but that was actually refreshing because the outdoors was at 104 degrees Fahrenheit and rising. He slumped through the barred doors and collapsed on his cot. Relief flooded his body. No further to go. He had hit the wall.
This I believe: that love is the closest we will ever get to god.
Stars. The sky opening up, unfolding all above and around me. Two tabs in two hours and my mind is expanding, my body is ceasing to exist, I am becoming one with all as stars fall around me and splash through the earth. I am chaos, compacted. Nothing could be better.
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