rudegrrrl

rudegrrrl

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trap

I'm being trapped by you. The 27th of this month you'll let me go. But for now your getting ready to go away while you keep me in a shoe box with holes stabbed into the top. You'll keep me under your bed and one night I'll sneak out and chew on the carpet in the corner of your room. You'll punish me and chain me to your bedpost. Then you'll pack all of your things and set me free in the lake. I'll swim away and then sink without you.

quest

Questing myself, launching myself into your body. Falling short of a new relationship with you. Realizing what she said was true. "I just define love on being able to do nothing for a really long time and be completely comfortable, I can do that with him." "That's love, idiot."

maze

The maze in your head was nothing compared to the holes in your pocket. You say you don't care, and you love her. But what happens when I love you? I tried telling myself it wouldn't work. "I saw how you looked at that girl," she said in spanish when she picked me up one day. "Si, Tia, yo la amo..."

dusk

It's my birthday today and all I want is you. I'm a walking-talking cliche, but I don't even know who YOU are anymore. I have any idea shared between a few people but all I know is my stomach is about to jump me and I feel like shit and I just cried after getting off the phone with my father. Fuck you, Dad.

There's this boy that is sneaky. I had heard of him and his ridiculous nickname. Never actually had the pleasure of meeting him and sure as hell not smoking and drinking with him. He stood around the fire in that green sweatshirt and talked about the Occupy Movement. We smoked and drank together and when I interviewed him, I was shaking. He snuck into my line of vision the same way he snuck a kiss in my ear.

The grass and sun is melting all around me, I can't help but think of my new home. The shit I won't ever get tired of. The shit my body longs for. Cheap cigarettes and expensive prides. Fake McDonald's, and real plants. Mud used medically and weeds grown sporadically. Freckles on dark skin and a long body, a smile that kills.

I love you, I love you, I don't love you anymore. You're not what I want now. Cobachi, Sonora, Mexico is my dream. My ridiculous dream. My en-ethical dream. We've fallen in love. From it's caves, to it's ranches, and beautiful people.

You had the likeness about you that people were quickly attracted to and when they found out you had an std they talked shit about you behind your back. They didn't want to be around you anymore. You were a disease in the punk rock scene which wasn't really punk rock of you. I hope I get to see you on my own turf, soon.

Inadequate compassion is what you always held and always denied. You don't believe in anything but you believe in love. You don't understand it, but you still believe in it. Kind of like Santa Claus. I ruined everything because now your sober and now Halloween is over.

Watching Jerry Springer, learning how to compare my life to their shitty ones. Creating new habits and dropping habits. Dropping appointments and keeping appointments. The nicotine in my heart is where you used to be. You're now homeless and hopping my veins in hope for love. I won't give myself up for you. I love you.

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writing since 2011 · 40 entries · 37 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Ellie showed up.

3longest streak

37days written

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on this day 15 years ago

Ellie wrote about boiling
“I was so incredibly nervous on my ride home. I had thought you just wanted to know if I had any pot. I didn't and you offered to shotgun your lucky with me and I agreed without thinking. I missed the…”

the words Ellie reaches for

lovenowanymorenightbodyheaddogfuckingshitsongheardlovedrunningrememberstupidbelieve