Snail
Sometimes it's just the tone of her voice that will set off my anger. How can it be that the roll of her eyes or the slant of a mouth can instantly cause a reaction from me? I love her so much but sometimes just the sight of her face makes me want to scream.
We watched The Great Pumpkin last night. That cartoon was created the same year I was born. Snoopy was a WWI flying ace. John said that, when it was first shown, WWI was the same distance in history as the cartoon is from us now. The kids were amazed by that.
I figured out the source of my unhappiness, I thought. I thought it was you and I began to pile the reasons onto a bonfire of resentment which I lit with my anger. Is it too late? Can we fight this fire before it engulfs what we've built over 30 years?
What does it mean to be the provider of the family? We always think of it as the one who makes the money. Or the most money. But, is it? What if J was thought of as the provider? She brings this family joy and frustration. Anxiety and order. Predictability and uncertainty. Confidence in the future. Worry that we won't be part of it. All this at 10 years old. A lot to provide.
I have been an expat since I was 22. This life is strange and makes associate with a nationality in a skewed way. I am American. How many times have I said that over the years? And, because of it, people think of me a certain way. And yet, how many times has someone said to me, "But, you don't really seem American." I used to wonder why that was. Then, I went back to the States to live for a year and realized that I am just as much an expat there as I am anywhere else. I don't fit there, either. I don't fit anywhere. I am american rather than American. I am patriotic and do not want a different nationality. Yet, I am fundamentally changed and am no longer blindly an American. When we move back to live there permanently, will that change or have I been changed fundamentally?
I gave her the sealed envelope, hoping she wouldn't open it. I thought she might but if she did, what could I do? Those words would break her heart and make her hate me forever. Yet, it was too late to change my mind now. Soon, I wouldn't have a mind to change anyway.
Why is it that scientists are disparaged? Silly, really. Of course, they can be biased, but they set up every safeguard they can to avoid that bias. And then, completely biased people who have agendas and beliefs that are completely unproven speak with the same authority as scientists who spend a lifetime quietly studying matters in an unbiased structure.
In the 90's when we lived in Rome, the immigrants from Africa (the Sudan? where?) sold knockoff purses and scarves on the bridges throughout Rome. I know they worked in other Italian cities and they still do, but it was something that was very noteable at the time. I was young and idealistic and knew that these guys were doing the only thing they could to make money and to survive. And, yet I hated what they were doing and I hated being accosted just when I wanted to cross the bridge into Trastevere.
My life now always has an audience. Once I had children I found that I monitored my actions so much more than I ever had before. I gauge actions through their eyes. I have a sense that whatever I do cannot harm them and, if possible, should help them.
Sheila put the roast in the oven. It never failed that she was the one who had to host these family gatherings. She resented it and yet put up with it, a form of passive aggression that her brother would comment on after his second glass of wine. She began chopping the ends off the green beans, the knife pounding the board harder than need be for the slim stems.
Of course, he would comment on that and her controlling ways, saying that she held things at her house so that she could control the movements and interactions of the family.
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