avaelyn

avaelyn

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A hundred lies I have told you that you don't even know about. They gnaw at my stomach lining lie a caterpillar at a leaf. Soon it will be gone. They are all joined together with crystalline threads, but with no beautiful pattern like a spider's web. It's a haphazard and messy tangle I'm trapped in, and I don't know how I got here.

I am simultaneously in love with people and terribly afraid of them. At a distance, people seem wonderful. I love that guy's hat, that lady is so weird, I want to be best friends with everyone. But when it comes down to it, when they are in front of me, I am stuck, lost. My mind goes blank and I have nothing. I'm pretty sure people think I am slow. I just wish I knew what to say.

begin

It's not so easy to begin, why is it always the hardest part. I don't know where to start, and the pain from my hangnails shoots to my wrists. My mind is a vacuum lacking anything of substance. I have already started, but I don't like where I am going. Someone just let me stop and rest for a while.

She pulled out her backpack, and rummaged through. She knew just the one she needed for the job. "Where is it? Don't tell me I forgot to bring it," She fingered a dozen gadgets before finding jus the one she needed, buried right at the bottom.

Echos. Feel them tremble through by body, down my spine. The note hangs in the air for what seems the most perfect eternity. I look around, and try to see it in their eyes. Did anyone else feel it?

Start me up and let's go. Sell all our things and just drive until we run out. Change our names. Wear clothes that don't match. When was the last time we washed our hair? Who cares. Appearances are nothing. Feelings, passion is everything.

"I can't.." Gasp. "What's wrong, you can't what?" "Can't.. breathe." Gasp. Tears. "Why? Please... calm down and tell me what is wrong." "I can't. I'm..." Gasp. "What?" "I'm... sorry."

Eyebrows drawn, glistening slightly, but much too hard for tears. I knew what I'd done, but wasn't sure if I could accept the consequences. Consequences I knew would be as severe your eyes.

I saw the way he looked at me. Like I was useless, overstayed my welcome. I watched him drift, moving on to something better, something new. I tried to make myself better for you, and I never thought that what I became would be exactly what you weren't looking for.

I want success. I want to be a success. But not in the way it is seen nowadays. I'm tired of success being equated with money and things that you can buy with money. Sure, those things are nice, but why are they measures of success? I want a success measured on my terms.

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writing since 2011 · 14 entries · 14 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Carrie showed up.

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on this day 14 years ago

Carrie wrote about hundred
“A hundred lies I have told you that you don't even know about. They gnaw at my stomach lining lie a caterpillar at a leaf. Soon it will be gone. They are all joined together with crystalline threads,…”

the words Carrie reaches for

successeyesmindpurposesuregaspdeadaudiencewritemoneybettertearsconsequenceswrongloveswept