CraftyCritt3r
I sat before you boneless. One week before you left, my thoughts were never said. The night before your going away party, I spent with a boy. A boy who laughed, hugged, and kissed. A boy who looked at me with almost as much as heart as you do. We ate pizza and drank Crown Royal whiskey and in our drunken state I almost saw you. Yes I see you in every man I meet, a ghost of you. You have been what every love song is about since fall.
He looked at me with an almost smile, the same smile you get when you know a man loves you enough to leave. In that moment I saw you, how your eyes didn't match your smile, and I knew he wouldn't last long. He left because he said my eyes never followed him well enough. Somehow he knew, that my mind was preoccupied with the thought of you. It scares me how you still sneak your spirit into my writings and poems. I tried drugs, I tried alcohol and teas, but nothing drowned you out of my heart.
On the night of the going away party I still smelled of the boy who was too old in mind and body. You grimaced when someone asked me who I spent my time with yesterday for valentines day. The truth is that although I laughed with him, I was laughing with you. I see you and only you.
And so my selective eyes have chose nothing else to let my hands scribble to.
I'm always the mood people push me to become
I sap in the energy of the room
and become
I am the carpet with stains
and the stainless steal wrenching
but also the carrier of memories
the holder of stolen smiles and kisses
and the words that have been said
and should of been said
in my small box
I have seen enough of life within my walls
and now I see you
flick your eyes to the man next to you
who is forcing his focus to the floor
so he doesn't stare at you too much
you say hello
he replies with a soft hi
and a new story has began
I grazed my finger in small circle paths on his spine, breathing in this morning and exhaling only worry. I let my eyes wander over the curvature of his body, inspecting his freckles and hair, and how his muscles laid and I was captivated by the beauty of this man.
But this beauty isn't mine to take in.
I untangled myself from him, peeling him off like my shadow, leaving not completely whole, I know someday we'll be together, but I ache knowing what I did and I know all I have is regret. I heard his timber voice dipping like honey in slow intervals saying her name where mine should of been.
"goodbye" I said timidly
"goodnight" he replied in a daze
The difference between goodnight and goodbye is one means I'm coming back and one means I might.
I haven't talked to him since.
she stretched her arms, the bright amber sun shown threw the window to her white hospital bed. sounds of the sirens and crashing, wrenching metal twisting came threw her mind. her ears abstinent to the noise but her mind full of it. Her chest ached, it froze like the sharp teeth of an arctic hound biting her chest. her friends, family, sisters, dead. She lived and had to live with the guild. 48 years after the accident the sound never left the earth. it hibernated in her mind and body. it sat dormant waiting like a bad dream to terrify her natural being. she wasn't a apart of this world anymore. she was a vessel of pain for those who lay in the dark. she was a vessel for the mistakes of her past and her family. she could feel the alcohol still to this day coursing in her veins. Her life, over but continuing because god decided that she had not met her quota of torture in this life. she had lost 48 years of her life. but will spend the next few reenacting the events of 1987. she could feel the warmth of steering wheel. the pressure of the gas pressing back against her heels. her wedding dress still tight around her waist. it was all over. everything is different.
Christmas time again and
I guess we're still just friends
maybe I write too much about
a broken heart
and failed love
or being sad
but i'm just trying to
drown you out of me
and I'm hoping come the snow
that I'll start dreaming about a someone else
and once it gets warm
the snow melts
and so will you and
the ice in my soul
no i'm not emotionally unstable
but i am so fucking clueless now
don't go
i'm so sorry
You've become the aperture in my heart
and sometimes I find you my reason
other days it's like I'm looking through glass
but I can only see water
slowly trembling into my coffin
I can stop the gap with a mere finger
but on these days to move another inch without you
is to die
so I let the sickness get me before you can
Embellish yourself
stand up straight
pull in desire
without a sinful taste
dress up
never down
said the woman
wiping her hands on the
dishtowel
My heart was caught in my throat.
A girl dangled your hand
as a trophy
with steel grey eyes
she haunted the words
forming at her coral lips
without telling me
"he's mine"
and dragged you
as a chain would,
not a love.
The girl was a past friend I couldn't quite remember.
You were a love I couldn't have.
My lip trembled at the sight of you, quaking in my bones, I felt your sight, your flashing grin through your limp body. You rested in your pine coffin, waiting to see the the lord. I wondered if you still loved me.
When a rock is thrown into a lake, the ripples come out, one by one. In a flash you see it on a screen, on the news, the crying grandmother, the broken parents, and then the small ripple, the one unseen, uncared for, was me. I just couldn't handle it. I still don't know how this happened.
No one knew you would take your own life, except me.
I just didn't stop you.
Lord, can I ask you something, would you still love me, if I hated those who followed your every step? They are not holy, they burn, burn, burn, every day hating ones around them and feeling like without the presence of the lord, that the person is sin. I believe in you, but I don't believe in your people. I may have inked skin and a pierced body, but I respect you.
Wouldn't you still love me?
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writing since 2012 · 25 entries · 22 days shown up
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