elly80

elly80

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I started to look for something small and insignificant, and accidentally came across your baby photos. The tears that fell onto the paper were an automatic response; I didn't expect to see your smile and small hands, and when my memories came flooding back, there the sadness and joy returned.

There are so many parts of my heart that remain unopened. The secret webs, weeds, seeds, and buds that have yet to blossom. But like a prairie, not every plant is desirable or necessary. Some, given the opportunity to bloom, will choke out the beautiful daisies, petunias, or morning glories. Some, in their natural state, are best to be left unopened.

I should have had him prosecuted. What if he had done this to others? Of course he was the state wresting champion and I was a well known community member. No one would have believed that Mr. Small Town America would be anything but perfect.

Well isn't this appropriate for the truth being unveiled. It has undone the threads of trust, the cords of love, the seams of strength. The words and truth have left me bare, questioning why I ever allowed those threads to be grafted in.

Here I sit...postponing the inevitable as I committed to reading fiction. They lie to my right, slumped over, initially excited that I chose them. Face down, a sense of being used. The same dilemma I feel I am in when my body does what my spirit is against.

Oh I how I crave the predicability of stability. A rock to lean on, food to eat, the sun to shine at the same time each day. To know that each moment I am loved, the blood rushing through my vessels like a stream has run through rocks for the last thousand years. Not much change here.

At the core is where I feel the myriad of emotions, experiences, and eleutheria. However, the peripheral areas are where the rubber meets the road. Where the feeling of love is spread to others, the hatred of the heart is used to hurt others, and where the freedom of the spirit is carried out as wanderlust.

The jungle is a place that has beauty, mystery, damp air, and new life, but is one of the most dangerous places on earth. Some may travel in, but few make it out alive...those that make it out are more alive than when they entered.

So many people look at the beginning of the year, the day, the week, the marriage, the friendship, the month. I think that it is at the end in which we should begin. Where do you want to end up at with all of those? Start there. Work your way backwards to the beginning and reach the goal of the end.

sum

The sum of my pain, the stabs, wounds, joys, loves, sunny days, cloudy mornings, lonely sunsets, praises, poverty, richness, smiles, frowns, have all led me to where I am right now. And I don't regret any of it.

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writing since 2014 · 18 entries · 17 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Elizabeth showed up.

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on this day 9 years ago

Elizabeth wrote about unopened
“There are so many parts of my heart that remain unopened. The secret webs, weeds, seeds, and buds that have yet to blossom. But like a prairie, not every plant is desirable or necessary. Some, given …”

the words Elizabeth reaches for

trailsoftennowloveledreachchangeemotionsheartspiritothersfavoritesolitudehikemountainssouth