epsilina
I don't know what it would be like to be a disciple - to follow someone in their teachings, to continue with their ways. I have never believed in god, and I wonder what it was like for Jesus's disciples at the time, believing in just a man.
We experience so many losses during life, that we often fail to recognize the steps forward we take, and the things we gain. We focus on what brings us down - they seem darker than the good seems bright. We mistake ourselves.
It is funny, watching people on escalators. Everyone is separated by a courtesy stair or two - so afraid of getting to close, or being forced to be in contact with another human being. If we step into an elevator we go for close door before we'd think to wait - we want to be alone, even though all of us so badly want the contact we're avoiding.
There is something about us, as human beings, that always causes us to try to separate, when we need each other most. We push people away when we want them, we yell want we want to hug. We all feel too intensely individual in some core way to recognize that separation isn't necessarily the best option. That maybe we should hold on, instead.
It is the feeling on my skin that I can't quite get rid of - it isn't there, more like a stain. It is what is left behind, and possibly always will be, like a disgusting side effect or something I never wanted in the first place - a residue.
There are too many things in life that are bland. There are bland foods, bland people. There are bland life experiences. I think too many of us are satisfied living bland lives that we get little out of - I think I am guilty of this also. I hope to experience things that are more than that.
My friend Michelle has had too much dessert today, or that is what she says. She finds the sound of sweets revolting at this point - I suppose you can have too much of anything. I understand how she feels. I can't stand to eat more than a bite of fudge, and I don't like cake. People think you are weird if you don't like dessert, but I think most people prefer they didn't.
I repeat music over and over and over again. I try to repeat feelings when I do it, repeat memories. It is like if I remember hard enough I feel like I can repeat events. I sometimes like to live in repeat for a while, even if I know it doesn't work. I'm a dreamer, I guess, in that aspect.