lilybensko
sometimes you need to politely decline
sometimes you need a night to sit at home by yourself
we all do
I do
and that is okay
i never really belonged there
nothing made sense to me
virgins can not produce offspring
i was afraid to speak my mind in such a place
after i left
people asked me why
they meant well
they were nice people, mostly
but not all
and i felt better when i was not trying to fit in
when i was not trying to change my beliefs
since my face does any talking for me
my expressions tend to be overt
and i am learning
to find joy in that
there is something so welcoming
about walking into the barn
the horses stick their noses through the bars on their stall doors
and nicker to say hello
you can smell the hay
and the tack
and the horses
(of course)
and everybody you see wants you to be there
there is something so welcoming
about belonging
i am interested in so few things
i love horses
i love books
i love songs
but lately
even the things i love
have been boring me
who cares about math?
(me)
who cares about the latest book?
(me)
who cares about their grades?
(me)
not me
being this age is so hard
i feel like i'm outgrowing my friends
i feel like i'm outgrowing my town
i feel like i'm outgrowing my house
i feel like i'm outgrowing myself
how will i get through this
when i can barely get out of bed
I am the opposite of motivated
I want to ride horses
and write
and read
and listen to songs
and spend time with my friends
and be happy
and take care of myself
but it is 9:07 pm
and I have yet to start my homework
I do not care at all
but I am supposed to care a lot
My cousin is
hopefully
going to be a veteran
I hope he comes home
okay
it seems like everything i feel needs to be repressed
if i seem happy, people ask me why and they don't let it go
even long after i'm uncomfortable
if i seem sad, there has to be an interesting reason, right?
wrong.
i don't want to constantly explain myself
leave me to my emotions
I feel like everyone is so selective
and I'll never make the cut
my hair is too wild
my face isn't angular
I weigh too much
I'm not smart or pretty or funny or like-able
and I'm never going to be good enough
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