bertanie
I woke up and i wrote a song, i couldnt write a chorus because i knew if i could it would hurt too much to read, sing, and cry about.
I am determined to be the best mom I can for my daughter. She is perfect, I am the luckiest mom in the world to have her. The reason I wake up every morning, the reason I dont feel empty and hurt every day. I am determined to watch her grow in to a beauitful woman.
Its about everything I have ever wanted. Just to feel connected. I cuddle with a different person every once in a while, just to feel less alone. I know other people do it too, but it doesnt stop me from feeling some sort of guilt. Perhaps I just feel alone in the world, perhaps I am alone in the world. There's no answer to it, but I hope some day that I can feel, less alone and more connected.
Sometimes I wake up, and I wish I didn't have the strength to get out of bed at all. It's not because I am lazy, its because I am afraid of the unknown. This week I met the perfect man. He was smart, fun, charming, rich, sweet, interested, had similar interests... and I didnt have the strength to love him. I didnt have the strength to tell him that I could never love him. I can't love him because I am in love with someone else, my daughter. I am in love with the idea of a family but I only want my two person family. And some day, maybe, I will have the strength to open my heart and let some one in. In the mean time, everyone else is telling me how strong I am doing this alone. If only they knew.
writing since 2011 · 5 entries · 4 days shown up
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the words bertanie reaches for
strengthlovestrongalonewakesometimesmorningdontbedwishgrowperfectdidntdaughterfamilyconnected