ludio
it was a plague of the heart and mind. it was a tear in the skin. it was a slap in the face, a stab in the heart. it was water in my lungs making me heavy. it wasn't fair. it won't happen again.
we were fighting the last time i saw you. we still are fighting as we sit in our separate homes. fighting or not the way the sweater of yours that you gave me wraps around me makes me smile. i love you, babe. for better or worse.
i embraced the thought of you leaving only once before last night and it brought me to tears. last night was no different except for the lingering feeling that these issues were not going to be resolved so quickly. it's ok that we fight, babe. just don't leave me now.
my beloved curled up on the floor. my beloved left when i was out. my beloved couldn't hold out any longer. my beloved did his best for me. my beloved said goodbye. my beloved died alone that day. my beloved left me, but i left him first.
i wonder who will be at my funeral. i hope you will be. i know it's harsh to say that i want to die before you. i also know it's cliche to say that it's because i wouldn't be able to live without you if you died first. young love.
i struggle to rise out of bed in the morning. i fight falling into bed at night. my eyes are heavy and my dreams are few. so young. so exhausted.
i don't know if i could ever be a teacher. when you think about it they really can have an influence on our youth. that and i don't want to deal with bratty kids every day for the rest of my life. what if i don't teach them well? what if i snap and kill one? dilemmas.
not once have i felt good about forgetting. not once. it's always something i needed or wanted, a birthday or event, or even just what i went to the kitchen for. it's a sinking feeling for me when i know i've forgotten something, like my mind has let go of something that it should have held on to. it's not fair to be so young and so forgetful. it's not fair that i lose so much in my own head.
writing since 2011 · 8 entries · 8 days shown up
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