maikeru

maikeru

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Is that alright? This way that I'm feeling, is it alright? "Am I deranged?" I frequently asked myself, pushing all the suspicions aside. I did trust you blindly. The happening is not the worst; it is surely not the fact that you did it. Hiding it, lying, pretending and faking was injustifiable. For what sake? All those moments I was feeling glad for knowing you had someone to hold your back and help you, to be there for you while I was far and, let's be honest, alone; they were painful then. They are even more now - like sharp needles poking at a sore point. Was I deranged when I thought we could blindly trust each other? I've been frequently shown that this is nothing but an ilusion - beautiful and convenient illusion, yet a hurtful one. You left my head in a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions. Emotions come and go while thoughts race through the sea of tears. Am I deranged for still trying to make it work? For not being strong enough to end this? Am I deranged for being only sad and not upset? Am I deranged? Am I deranged for loving? Or is it that Love itself is deranged?

The world keeps spinning. Time goes as usual. Lives go on as usual, nothing has really changed. Everything is still the same. Yet, meanwhile, it all seems different: the time goes slowly as expectancies get higher and higher, and it still looks so far, so far. As far as ever even though that is not exactly true. Sometimes it is excruciatingly painful living like this, expecting, hoping. Hope is as much a strength as it is a weakness; I hope mine to be the first, never the latter. Meanwhile he sleeps... Like a sweet baby expecting caress, hoping for someone who is yet to come.

You made it all change, turned everything upside down and showed me the other side. It was an instant; no time for thinking, no time for reasoning, no time for second thoughts. There was no time but to feel. And it feels good here, it feels surprisingly good. You were the typhoon in my life. With your exquisite manners and good will, your affection, your thoughtfulness and caring personality you shook my world and threw me off my foundations. I embraced the change, it feels good here. "Let's build the new foundations together?". My grip tightens, it feels good here. It surely feels good being with you.

The trumpets roared. It was finally time! We started walking, firmly. Unsheathing our swords and pointing them to the sky, the sun rays glimmering on their tips and leaving our opponents squinting. We had no chance, we knew it.But we kept walking together, heads held high. The past decade brought us together and now it was time to show the meaning of a fellowship as high hopes and spirits kept us in our lines, together. Together we were brought once, together we were now and henceforth together we would stay. Forever. Whether we perished on the battlefield or we let the trumpets roar again, as a sign of victory. It was time! It was the time to love.

I imagine the day you'll be with me, when I can look deep into your eyes and finally kiss you. I imagine the day when I'll be able to hold your hand, to feel your arms around me, to feel your heat. You stenciled your heart onto mine. Cut through my defenses and found it inside, deep down there, and eventually you made me love you. And so I do, strongly and deeply. I love you with all my strength and I'll always will.

The Past is gone and buried. It is beyond doubt that we cannot change it, everyone knows it. At least for some. What if it's not true? The Present is a mighty weapon. What if it is only a differente point of view what's needed to change it? Our feelings, our emotions... They can make it different. In the end the past is only a matter of opinion and if our values and opinions change so can change our perception of the Past.

Today I don't feel like writing about the word. It is surely not a mirage what I'm feeling. And I surely do not like thinking it might be. The distance is too much to bear and still we have somehow managed to do it. My heart rate increases whenever our eyes meet, whenever your smile shows, whenever your laugh echoes. I am changed everytime you are sweet, chills crossing my whole body while my inside burns; and I feel warm.... warm as never before. And yet it is cold. It is cold outside, the distance being a tight ice cage around me, the time the shackles around my heart. And you...you are the fire burning inside me attempting to free me from them, but simultaneously pulling them tighter, and tighter, and tighter. My saviour and torturer, are we a mirage?

decoy

You cost me everything I have. Your deceits, false support, you're cunningly exquisite manners. The decoy of my fortune, omen of my despair. Now you shall perish with me, down to the shadows, locked inside the dungeons of Molten Maze.

I am incomplete. I am unfinished. A masterpiece nonetheless, but tremendously incomplete for I cannot understand the basics. I am unable to unable to understand this world, its people, its Nature. Or even myself for that matter.

Trust me, we won't tumble. Just hold my hand firmly and I will protect you from the upcoming dangers. We need to do this together, though, for I cannot do it all by myself. Things may not be as they seem, and you may not perceive the dangers we'll be in, but I have it, perseverance turned me into a fighter and now I have it: the Eye of Foreseeing.

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writing since 2012 · 25 entries · 24 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Ishimimoto showed up.

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24days written

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on this day 14 years ago

Ishimimoto wrote about entrance
“I couldn't sleep and just kept looking blankly at the ceiling. Nothing happened, no sound, no movement or flickering of light. But then, something changed. I wasn't looking at the ceiling anymore. I…”

the words Ishimimoto reaches for

nowchangeinsidedeathderangedhappypastdifferentheartmeanscoldwretchedafraidpassagesurelylove