mrcomatose
Dean has often told me that Classic Rock is the only music I should be listing too. He has told me this repetitively over the years. I remember one particular monologue he made some time back in 2011 as we were traveling around the state of Idaho. The ratio stations were just beginning to flicker out and this was a common topic amongst most of the people, and their common question because of it was, "What will I listen to while driving?" Dean said that this is why he listened to classic rock on cassette tapes. Because they would never brake, and the music would never grow old. I miss the way Dean would smile when he talked about such things.
Before I met Dean Winchester, my entire existence was based on service to Heaven, obeying its structured rules and laws and policies. He changed that, changed my views of almost everything. For the first time in my thousands of years of existence I felt doubt.
I feel like my Father is still out there. Weaving my destiny into that of the Winchesters. I do not think that this is the fate that my Father had originally intended for me, but that this is now the one he wants for me. I can not even begin to fathom why, never would wish to either. All I know is that if it is Gods will, if it is my Fathers doing, then it is alright, then I should not be afraid. That I should have faith. Witch I do, but I no longer think that it is him who I have faith in. I am beginning to think that I have more faith in a damaged soul, and an abomination, than my own Father, and there is the source of my fear.
The 'howevers' and 'what ifs' are the hardest pieces of learning to think for myself. When following orders, it was always assumed that my higher ups had already gone through these, but now they are mine to handle, and the responsibility is terrifying, because I fear that a 'however' in the fine print might come back to haunt me and my friends, and it will all be my fault.
For many, many years I could not comprehend exactly why my father created humans, I simply knew that he did. But, I think that now I am perhaps approaching understanding. I continue to see how these humans are capable of so much, for better or for worse. They are imperfect and they have the potential for so many mistakes, so much failure and so much anguish. Yet, they have potential to choose for good as well, to devote themselves to each other so completely. It is far more than a majority of angels can contemplate, let alone attempt. Though, I suppose there are a few exceptions.
Policy. The line witch must not be crossed. The box witch one must reside in. The Rules witch are never to be broken. As a child I was taught the importance of these Rules. Of following my Orders. I was taught that The Rules are something witch one should never question. Never dispute. For they are The Rules. They are The Orders.
Only recently I have realized that it is some times ok "Draw Out Side of The Lines", so to speak.
Whole. I have not felt completely whole since my grace was torn out of my chest. But sometimes, when I am in the proximity of Dean Winchester, something else is filled, and though I am still aware of the hole in my grace, the emptiness doesn't seem to bother me as much.
writing since 2011 · 7 entries · 7 days shown up
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