ramblingrose

ramblingrose

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He wanted to harness the energy of the sun. He made detailed sketches and solved equations. He became obsessed with power and electricity and heat. The question of how plagued him day and night, and the sun mocked him, far from reach and ever eternal.

There was a big party going on in the other room. You wonder why you aren't inside, laughing and celebrating with the others. Well, it's not so much a celebration, but a huge get-together with friends. And there it is, the truth smacks you in the face. Hard. Are they your friends? Aren't friends supposed to be people you don't feel awkward around? It seems as if every second you spend with them is a second wasted in awkwardness. So now, here you are, sitting alone outside a room full of "friends", and you feel the least awkward you've felt in ages. It's liberating.

level

They weren't on the same level, really. She was a shy, introspective girl who lived her life through books. He was outgoing and friendly, and never hesitated to share his opinion. He lived. They were so different, on so many different levels. But somehow, they clicked.

She had almost reached her boiling point. She swears that she is just this much further away from exploding. There's just so many things happening, so much to do, so much to think about, and come to terms with. She can't stand it. She's simmering, just below the surface, one degree away from burning, but she hides it well, and not many people think to check.

Mmm. She sighed into the water. It was relaxing, letting herself get lost in the bubbles and hot water. She let her thoughts flow freely, and it was a relief not having to keep everything in, not having to hide things, even from herself. She let herself think of whatever came to mind as she slowly closed her eyes into sleep.

She wondered what it took to be successful. Did one need to be charming? Or should one be cunning? Many people would of course say that one should be hard-working and diligent, but of course, a lot of people are liars too. They probably did work hard – at manipulating others and stepping over them in their quest to the top. She wondered if even half of the successful people nowadays got there by being honest. Probably not.

She was breaking the rules just being here. Mind you, these were her own rules so it didn't matter so much. At least, she hoped it didn’t. But really, she knew that if you couldn't follow your own rules, it was worse. While the authorities could arrest her for breaking the rules, she could do a hundred times worse to herself, wallowing in guilt, overthinking everything. But as she watched the figure cross the road, hair swishing in the wind, she felt no regret at all. It was the right thing to do.

She was prone to wandering off – not physically, but sometimes, she gets a vacant look in her eyes and a dreamy expression on her face. She would seem a million light years away, even though she was standing right in front of you. And she would smile – a bright, brilliant smile, and you would leave her be, letting her enjoy her own perfect world where nothing horrible ever happens and war is a distant concept, something that doesn’t even have a name.

You said you would be my friend forever. Back in the gold-tinted days of our childhood, amidst games of hide-and-seek and laughter, you swore we would be best friends forever. And I believed you and your promises of eternal friendship drawn on lined paper. You used to give me drawings proclaiming our unbreakable friendship. But now, we are grown into the years of gossip and awkwardness, and I see you, and I see me, and there are a million other people in between us. I see you, I pass by you sometimes in the hallways, but our eyes just glide past each other, onto new friends, onto more important things. We are strangers, when we were once inseparable. We are nothing more to each other now than another person who walks the earth.We used to ask each other what growing apart meant -- we didn't understand it, never thought it would happen to us. Our pinkie-promises whispered in the corner of the classroom mean nothing now. I doubt you even remember how close we used to be.

She hated this feeling, hated feeling like she was losing control. But she was. Oh, she was. She was losing the little bit of control she had over her life, and she absolutely hated it. It was dizzying and horrifying and slowly, she could feel the constraints on her mind disappear. Losing control was hard for her and doubts began creeping into her mind, but in the end, she loved every second of the freedom losing control gave her.

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writing since 2010 · 23 entries · 23 days shown up

each square is a day—lit means Ady showed up.

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on this day 15 years ago

Ady wrote about boiling
“She had almost reached her boiling point. She swears that she is just this much further away from exploding. There's just so many things happening, so much to do, so much to think about, and come to …”

the words Ady reaches for

eyesfriendsmindnowfeelingthinkingcheaplosingcontrolhardrulesherselfcursesstopwishingforest