waywardlight
One day, I spent hours upon hours cleaning my room. I struggled as I erased the black scribbles on the whiteboard, in hopes I could erase my mistakes --in hopes I could erase my past. I changed the four-hundred count cobalt bed sheets into a floral blanket of silk, in hopes I could change into the person I dreamt of every night. I began to change the light bulb, but as I unscrewed the outdated orb, the room flooded with darkness. Fumbling through the dark, I screwed on the replacement fluorescent and instantly, a magnificent aura lit up my eyes and illuminated the room. But as I turned around to gaze at my accomplishment, I was met with nothing but disappointment. Then it dawned on me. No matter how hard I try to renovate my room, no matter how many times my fists leave cracks in the faded drywall, it'll always be the same room. The same room that crushes my spirit. The same room that keeps me away from the one that I love. The same room that I fall asleep in every night... wishing I'd wake up to her smile.
It all started with a promise. A promise to a girl who would let me borrow her acoustic and learn from it, in exchange for a song. All I had to do was learn it. All I had to do was sing... not just with my voice, but with my fingertips as well. Turned out that learning how to play was harder than I ever imagined. My fingers were blind and deaf, and after every practice session they'd crack and bleed. Yet, the day after I would keep on trying. Failing chord after chord, I fought through the pain. I remember staying up all night, practicing in the dark, and a single tear would slide down my cheek as I realized that even though I was giving it my all, I couldn't do it. I couldn't serenade her with her favorite songs... the ones that so elegantly play on the radio. I'm still trying, but maybe my all just isn't enough.
Words can't describe how severe the pain worsens, day after day. No one sees beyond the fading smile, beyond these chestnut eyes. Your sorrows, your worries. Your words are searing knives thrust into my sides, leaving me gasping for breath long after I'm pierced. It grows as scars that were left to heal burst into gaping wounds. But this pain, this pain urges me awake at night to soothe your soft-voiced pleas for freedom, and swear to myself that I'll become stronger. Strong enough to shoulder your worries. Strong enough to restrain my trembling hands as I turn the jagged edge upon myself. ~Strong enough to keep you safe and happy. Yet, it is the deafening silence that tears my heart in two, burning what remains in a quiet crimson flare. The stifling flames emanate feelings of lost trust... of nothing left to say.
Never before have I wanted the future to become today. For as long as I can remember though, I had been afraid of tomorrow, of the whirlwind of pain and tears it might bring. But you soothed the storm, and every night, we whisper each other the plans of a future yet to come, the plans of a dream that has yet to come true. Shining tears stream down my face, falling onto the keyboard as echoes of your voice, echoes of the future, ring in my ears. There is nothing more in this life that I want, than to spend it with you. Take my hand, and I will protect you. I will ease your burdens. I will share your pain. I will make our dreams come true. If the future fails to live up to our expectations, don't worry. Just close your eyes, and I will dream a better dream for you. I promise.
I've always struggled with who I am. My dreams. My fears. My insecurities. Everyday as I walk through the breaking dawn, I strain myself as I force my ego beneath a mask of faded happiness, of faded joy. A fake smile seals away my pain for another day, like how a lock shackles a prisoner to the brooding darkness --eating away at my insides until nothing is left but repressed anger and heartbreaking sadness. But you came around, freed me, and showed me a whole new world. You brought me to shimmering coasts, and to dreams of a perfect future --but most of all, you brought me into the depths of your fragile heart. You've done so much for me, and yet I have done nothing in return. For you, I will cast away my fears and insecurities. For you, I will block my own shot. For you, I will make your dreams come true.
Twilight falls upon broken skies, casting shadows upon my world. Once shimmering with the bright rays of comfort and affection, the luminescent lake reflects nothing but fleeting images of the night sky --painful memories shine as vibrantly as the stars, while broken hearts streak across the heavens in a fiery blaze of crimson suffering. A stream of tears constantly replenishes the anguished reservoir, pouring down the stricken eyes of the trusted. But the everlasting lunar vigil heralds a new beginning; a new day in the valley of your heart. The sun cannot shine on both worlds; if it means your weary soul becomes guided by the rays of hope and love, then I'll happily live the rest of my life in the darkness.
We both love what is digital. Simple discs would paint majestic worlds beyond our imaginations, captivating our starry-eyed desire for the unreal in a stunning display of pixels and colors. Fictional characters show us the follies of reality as we embark on perilous, awe-inspiring adventures through lush forests, fetid dungeons, and even the darkness within our very souls. Albeit fictional, they are real to us; our hearts would be set ablaze in the flames of sorrow and fury, if ever a tragedy befell our beloved protagonists. At the end of the day however, we struggle to convince ourselves that it was all artificial; that people with such virtuous traits are all just figments of our imagination. However, amidst the renderings of the digital storm, something remains true --our love is real.
I’ve always been afraid of the future. So much so, I’ve spent all of my life searching. Searching, for clues of what tomorrow might hold. If I will be happy a few years from now; if the relationships I have made will make it or break it. But most of all, if my dream becomes reality. I’ve trudged this lonely road for years now, against unbelieving winds, searching for the shape of comfort. The shape, that would relieve my fears and guide my weary self home. Little did I know that you were right there by my side, ready to catch me if I ever fell. The future we dream about every night, the future that encourages us to persevere through the storm of life’s uncertainty — I can see it. I can see my future… with you. And I’m not afraid.
I've always been afraid of the future. So much so, I've spent all of my life searching. Searching, for clues of what tomorrow might hold. If I will be happy a few years from now; if the relationships I have made will make it or break it. But most of all, whether my dream becomes reality. I've trudged this lonely road for years now, against unbelieving winds, searching for the shape of comfort. The shape, that would relieve my fears and guide my weary self home. Little did I know that you were right there by my side, ready to catch me if I ever fell. The future we dream about every night, the future that encourages us to persevere through the storm of life's uncertainty -- I can see it. I can see my future... with you. And I'm not afraid.
I've always knew what I wanted. Clothes. Books. Games. Everything. Especially when it came to girls. All my life, I had a picture perfect image of my dream girl: she'd be tall, with long golden hair which would flow at the slightest breeze, and most importantly, with radiant sapphire eyes. But that all changed the moment I saw you. You staggered into class -- brown hair in a frenzy -- and sat down behind me. It was then and there, where I began to fall for you. Then and there, where I heard you were chasing after some other guy. And it was then and there, where my heart began to sink into nightmare. This, this dream girl of mine, she's nothing compared to you. You make me smile. You make me want to live. You are everything I never knew I wanted. Now... you're all I ever want. You are perfect to me.
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writing since 2010 · 34 entries · 29 days shown up
each square is a day—lit means Wayward showed up.
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