breckenschaller
Wouldn't it be nice if I could be more, do more?
Looking on from the outside in, I see the potential
But I am inside out, looking at the big world
With all of its offerings...
With all of its advice...
With all of its challenges...
and I think I don't belong there
and I think it isn't fair
That I should be fighting for my identity
and all that I am passionate about
When it wont get me by in this world
This world...
Their world.
So I am safe in my head
In my lonely world
Everyday thinking
Everyday waiting for
The world to change
Instead of finding the courage
To change it myself or
Just change myself.
Why couldn't she just say no? What about that word is so difficult? Body language clearly doesn't get her point across. She doesn't owe you an explanation, but she still wants to tell you that it has been a very long time since someone has touched her. Her brain is screaming at her, screaming at her heart. Problems. Reasons why she can't and shouldn't let her guard down. She's been through too much to be ok with this right now.
She has been gone for almost 17 years now. I search pictures, people's recollections, and my own memories for resemblances. I can't see them like others can. I want to. I want to see her in myself... But really, I just want to see her.
I'm not your sweet girl. I'm not your naughty girl. I'm not your toy.
Anymore.
I'm not your old lady. I'm not your new gal. I'm not your honey.
I saw your friend. He said you were making time with the girl next door.
I'm not your main squeeze. I'm not your baby. I'm nothing to you.
Anymore.
She waited in the lobby for the car to arrive, stopping just short of the curb. It was dark now. She stepped out onto the wet pavement and searched left, then right. Glistening lights and deep puddles. Glass breaking in the distance. A siren. No sight of the promise she had been so hesitant to welcome just hours before. Why then, standing in the rain, her heart still protected from the storm, did she not feel relieved?
To know what is real and true for me, for my life, for my thoughts, actions, and plans... To know what is real and true for my world, for my heart, for my soul. To know what is real and true... is to feel what is real and true. It is not a knowing like any other. This knowing, this awareness, is always certain. Do not be fooled by your brain. It looks out for you, yes, your best interests in mind... But who is to say what is best for you? Your brain or your heart? Are your best interests even your interests at all? Whose are they? Ponder on that, in your little house, with your little family, with your little routine and your job that you despise... Everyday much like the others. I might want that one day. To live in the "real" world. Today though, I choose differently, because I know that my best life is waiting piece by piece down a different path. A path called adventure. It is time to collect these moments.
The violent sweep of yesterday's phrases could never negate the act of speaking them. No amount of apology or kind words could undo that gaze, the locking of eyes as you fouled the very trust your love was built upon. She will forgive but, no, she will never forget.
Flesh on flesh. Vague promises of home. I will ache for you in the morning still. Your bones are hollow like your words, so weak. I built these walls because of you. I tore them down for you the same. Curtains over my eyes so pretty. I will see what I choose, not the truth. Take shelter in me, temporary love, and I will provide. Leave me with a blueprint in my heart. Leave me with a hammer. I will build again, without you.
He would adopt any opinion that made him seem more radical. I couldnt help but feel sorry for him, even though this was a conscious decision on his part. I simply inquired one day as to his lack of identity, and questioned at what age he forgot who he was. What happened to the boy who climbed trees and stayed there til dusk? The boy who made mud pies and rainwater soup for his friends, and brought dandelions to his momma? He stared blankly and replied; "the world is a dangerous place." I never felt that statement as strongly as I did in that moment when I realized the truth, as cliche as it sounded, was that this world really does destroy us.
Against the odds? I like a good challenge. Yes, that one seems fittng. Yet im somehow at odds with it.
Ratios and algorithms... Mathematical blah blah jargon.
Hmmmm. Evens? Yes! Thats it! That one will do just fine.
What are the odds?
I am so odd.
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writing since 2011 · 24 entries · 24 days shown up
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